Rich Friends

My experience has led me to believe that the vast majority of people have a tendency to have friends who are demographically comparable to them. My understanding is that the exceptions to this rule typically fall into one of two categories: either people of a certain race who have a friend of a different race or people of a certain sexual orientation who have friends of a different sexual orientation. The episode of Modern Family that comes to mind right now is one in which Cameron and Mitchell work very hard to make friends with people of different races, and the bi-racial couple that they end up making friends with is relieved to have finally made friends with a gay couple. Despite the fact that my observation is not based on any kind of scientific research, I am confident in stating that it constitutes a sound theory, both with and without accompanying critical thoughts.

My intention is to discuss something that, strictly speaking, belongs in the category of "having friends who are different from you," but not in the "look, there are all of my black friends" sense of the phrase. In addition, because our differences are related to social status, financial wealth, and prestige, it is somewhat easier to broach the subject with one another. A bit. It is somewhat easier to talk about without getting bogged down in an incapacitating amount of shame, self-consciousness, or extreme delicacy due to the fact that my wife and I are significantly lower class than these friends I aim to write about here. Because of this, I aim to write about here. When they stop to think about it, I frequently wonder if our friends find the same thing to be true. To tell you the truth while also being fair, they are aware of the fact that we belong to the middle class, but they are still largely ignorant of the day-to-day realities of our lives.

We have known this friend, who I will refer to as Kara, since 2002, and we have also known her husband since she got married, which was probably around 2008 (I wasn't able to attend their wedding, so the exact dates are unclear). They both hold executive positions at the same extremely successful and large corporation. But that's where we first became acquainted with Kara. Our lives proceeded to go in completely different directions after that point. Even back then, our friend was the one who was able to quickly win friends and influence people, succeed at community organizing in a second language like no one else had ever seen before, complete projects with gusto, and organize youth sports teams that seemed to always win their games. Certain individuals... man, they just got it. And Kara has it in her possession.

They live in what I refer to as a mini-mansion, with the emphasis being placed on the mansion and the gentle humor being placed on the mini. Despite all of these years passing, we have managed to maintain our friendship, which is truly remarkable to me. Their children are bright and beautiful, but they spend a significant amount of time in day care that costs a lot of money, bring home food that has been bought and packaged (even if it's good), and already participate in more extracurricular activities than I am able to manage. My best guess is that their annual wardrobe budget is significantly higher than our total budget. Even just their basement is larger than our whole house when measured in square footage. As far as I can tell, their home contains a total of three play rooms in addition to the bedrooms.

I won't go into any further detail because I don't want to come across as overly exploitative. Because at this point, the stage has been set, I want to talk about the glue that holds our friendship together and how, despite our individual differences regarding what constitutes enough and how much money to spend, we all really like each other. It completely blows my mind. And the manner in which having the opportunity to observe the interior of a mini-mansion has more than gently challenged me to check my own assumptions about class and power in the opposite direction from where I normally check it. My job as a social worker requires me to constantly challenge the privileges of my own middle class position within the context of a variety of different forms of poverty. However, the fact that I have acquaintances who hold influential positions has taught me quite a lot about the importance of double-checking my assumptions. This has provided me with excellent and well-rounded practice in what it means to judge someone based on who they are as a person as opposed to how they live their life. And this is by no means an easy task.

My wife and I place a high value on leading a life that is uncomplicated and straightforward. We are members of a co-op, host a CSA drop off, garden, and grow our own food during the summer; we rarely fly, own one car, use a metro car share program, bike, and walk when we can; our house is 900 square feet, and we have done the majority of the improvements ourselves; the majority of the items in our wardrobes were purchased through consignment. It should come as no surprise to anyone that we both served in the Peace Corps. We easily and proudly fit the stereotype, which makes my wife and I yawn.

In this scenario, our good friends are the ones who make up the more interesting pair from an objective point of view. Because of the fact that they hang out with people like us, Kara has served in the Peace Corps, and both Kara and her husband are conscious of raising socially conscientious children despite their privilege, technically, it is they who are the ones who are challenging themselves, overcoming stereotypes, and being stretched. Right? It is very possible that it has been much more difficult for me. When I leave their house after spending time there, my brow is almost guaranteed to be furrowed the entire way home. When I first walked in, my first thought was, "Oh my God, their entry way is larger than our living room." Oh my God, their furniture appears to be in a constant state of newness and as though it was purchased from a type of shop that I have never shopped in before. And I'm so horribly conflicted between how freely they use resources and how wonderful they are as friends, as if the two of those things ought to be mutually exclusive from one another. It all seems so inconsistent, and as a result, my first response is to pass judgment and be perplexed by it.

My judgment may never be completely eradicated, but I highly doubt it. My values are yelling at me from behind my polite facade, and my pre-frontal cortex is working very hard to remember that the fact that they are absolutely wonderful people is a great deal more important than how much money they spend.

However, the most recent thing that I heard from Kara was that she and her husband had recently watched the documentary Food, Inc. and then immediately decided to become members of the food co-op in their area. When I first learned that, my first thought was one of immense relief and self-admitted judgment: "See? There is hope."

Perhaps there is cause for optimism for all of us. I'm just making it up as I go along because shows on television don't typically show or model this kind of diversity in friendship very often, and so I'm just making it up as I go.

Do you have any idea what our point of commonality is, our foundation to return to? We are all kind human beings.