Relationships Can’t Simply Be Classified as Toxic or Healthy

When people talk about taking a break from relationships, it almost always feels like they are talking about taking a break from having to navigate the complexities of relationships.

It would be a million times easier if we could all tell the type of relationship we were in. It would be nice if we could label it as toxic or healthy.

Because in that way, we would know what relationships to keep and which ones to break off without any guilt or reservations.

But nature is smart, designed in a way that doesn’t make its unfoldment so easy.

The principle here being that those who love deeply are equally the ones that have to deal with the deepest pain.

“The man who enjoys keenly, is subject to keen suffering; while he who feels but little pain is capable of feeling but little joy.

The pig suffers but little mentally, and enjoys but little — he is compensated.

And on the other hand, there are other animals who enjoy keenly, but whose nervous organism and temperament cause them to suffer exquisite degrees of pain.

And so it is with Man. There are temperaments which permit of but low degrees of enjoyment, and equally low degrees of suffering; while there are others which permit the most intense enjoyment, but also the most intense suffering.

The rule is that the capacity for pain and pleasure, in each individual, are balanced. The Law of Compensation is in full operation here.”

— The Kybalion

If we all had to choose, I doubt that anybody would sign up for any degree of suffering.

Even now, any sort of underlying value in anything is nothing but that which helps us alleviate some form of pain in our lives.

This is at the foundations of our economies, cultures, and civilizations. It makes sense that it does exist at the foundations of our relationships too.

We avoid suffering. Toxicity causes suffering. Therefore we have to avoid toxicity and toxic people.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I have to repeat the fact that if we are to enjoy our relationships, we must brave the storms too. This is the price that must be paid for enjoying the pleasures of a relationship.

You either choose to partake, stay away, or choose to enjoy but little.

To love someone so deeply almost feels like an attempt to unify two individuals into one.

If we are to accept this as having some element of truth, we need to recognize that unification processes always meet conflict as two individual identities seek to make room for one.

Sooner or later, the relationship that you thought was soul-bound must also face these realities. The realities that would appear more toxic to your being.

The question shouldn’t be about trying to find someone that won’t be toxic to your being. Based on our belief systems and all forms of individualities, we are all toxic to one another in some way.

When toxicity is dangerous

It is important to point out at this stage that there are toxic relationships that are even dangerous.

The reality is that these are also complex relationships because there are many cases of people in abusive relationships for instance that still refuse to break them off for various reasons.

I’ve grown up with toxic relatives for instance that I will never cut off from my life regardless of the pain and suffering they put me through. I’ve also had my share of toxic friendships that I still hold dear to my heart. Or the toxic romantic relationships that still feel me with smiles when I think about the good bits of those relationships. And I believe that there are people out there that think I am toxic too.

I must stress that if someone is in a relationship that they consider a threat or dangerous in some way, they should break it off and get out of there.

Dangerous toxicity in a relationship is devoid of love. That hurts. But it is not the same type of pain that the toxicity of being in love causes. Anyone should be able to discern the difference.

Here is a scientific explanation of what I am talking about. This might clear your doubts.

When I say that excess enjoyment comes with equal pain, I am talking about being in love with someone or having a profound attachment to them in some way.

This is the type of love that exercises no dominance over another. The type of love that respects another and does not intentionally hurt them.

Therefore, when toxicity is dangerous, there is no love there. Get out.

Navigating complex relationships

A complex relationship is one that cannot be classified as either toxic or healthy. Elements of each exist, making it hard to call it either of them.

All relationships sooner or later get to this point. Even those relationships that seem so perfect are littered with sacrifices that have to be made to make them feel that way.

The toxicity and pain in these perfect relationships must be tolerated by everyone involved in form of sacrifices.

And this is the best way we can navigate complex relationships.

It is not about finding the perfect person. You can try and find the most ideal person for you but even then, you will soon find that they are not as perfect as you thought they were.

It is important to recognize the imperfect nature of all individuals. Within those imperfections, you can find individuals that you think are perfect for you but no one is perfect.

The extent of everything we love is nothing but how much we are willing to sacrifice to be a part of these people’s lives. We should always keep in mind that these sacrifices must be made in every relationship we will ever have.

Therefore the solution to all this complexity is only the degree to which we are willing to make sacrifices in order to be with those we love.