Reflections of the past

Stop looking for “the one”. I decided to turn my attention to work on myself.

I just need to find fulfillment in my life, I have to fulfill my needs not someone elses.

Doing what is right for me means I will be in places, jobs, and near people that are aligned with my life path, and myself.

Just be yourself.

Most of us express only a small part of who we are.

We have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that will resurface, we just need to figure out which characteristics best suit who we are as a whole.

I need to start focusing less on searching and more of letting things develop naturally. Hopefully I’ll start to see all the flakes, narcissists and liars fade into the background. Focusing on making genuine connections with people.

Tumbling through one unhealthy relationship after another. Spending time with those that aren't progressing into something of substance. Something more permanent. Filling time.

No one can see your value as a person if you don’t value yourself first.

Attract people who share your values and are attracted to you based on who you are.

My perfectly imperfect self.

Being able to communicate and express yourself honestly should be well and received. For many people, especially those who have had problems in relationships this is hard. Some much like myself have become jaded about dating. So they put up their guard before anyone has the chance to really get to know who they really are.

I am undeniably guilty of that. When I should be completely upfront and put it all out there.

This is who I am, faults and all.

Everyone has faults. It’s impossible to find someone without some emotional baggage or insecurities.

My mind is clear, my heart is open.

Truth is, I deny myself of the person I am meant to attract by letting my fears get the best of me.

Or on most occasions settling for less than I deserve.

I have a horrible track record. I "dated" so many guys, even my grandmother the other day said she just wants me to be happy. Hoping that I finally find true love. That I deserve more than I have been allowing myself.

She is convinced this is my time.

She also prays for me every night.

I love her!

Nothing happens by mistake, and sometimes you need to accept that you’ve gone through hell and back in the dating world to find someone who deserves you. I desire a more meaningful connection. I don't want another fling; I want to fall in love and be loved deeply in return.

So simple but complicated at the same time.

It wasn’t just about the sex with him; although satisfying, it was a different dynamic, and it freaked me out that I let my guard down and let him get the best of me. I know we have a good foundation, or we did… I enjoyed our time together; I really wanted some normalcy with him…

And after all this time I did find someone naturally, lasting briefly but sparking light into me.

My friends said that he brought out something in me that I had buried deep, he sparked a light in me, my energy changed. When I saw him I always had a stupid smirk on my face after.

He gave me that butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That my demeanor changed.

It was starting to give me hope that I wasn't as broken as people thought.

I have always kept people at arms length.

Never fully letting them in or get to know all of me, never truly feeling comfortable .

I took a break from Tinder and textationships. I took a sabbatical sort to speak. For a few months.

Refocusing on priorities, gaining perspective and leaving the past at bay. Last year was an eye opener. A revolving door of men. I don't want just sex, I crave intimacy, a best friend. Someone who I can be myself with, someone who can make me laugh, smile, someone who makes me a better version of myself, not bring out the worst in me.

I have no regrets.

This was uncharted territory.

He satisfied me like I haven’t been in a long time!

Honestly most men need to be shown, taught.

He was a natural.

A total turn on.

He made me feel like a horny teenager.

I felt comfortable the moment I sat beside him on the couch. I felt the surge of tingles as soon as he touched me.

He makes me vulnerable. Like how Superman reacts to kryptonite.

I am still trying to transition into this adult dating world, this new norm and it is still fucking me up.

Life is all about chances and the roads not taken. Besides I never regret anything that once made me smile.

He unleashed something I buried years ago.

That I never allowed any man to unlock. Especially sexually.

For that I am thankful. He made me realize the girl I used to be back before life got hard. Before I lost my first love, he reminded me that I am still alive inside even if it has been decades.

Being single in your 40's that's what sucks.

I look at it this way at least I know I am capable of feeling again. I just have to be more selective again on who gets what from me.

It will take a while to get his name out of my mouth. Take a while to stop the urge to text him. To stop wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Touch him, See him.

There are those rare moments from your past that someone showed up in it and even though it was brief sparked something inside of you.

If you can still think about them and smile, if you don't have any resentment or hard feelings

Then those people were meant to cross your path.

And only those I will allow to cross again.

I deserve to be wanted, missed and pursued.

I deserve someone to match my energy.

I deserve consistency, communication.

I deserve clarity, without a doubt.

It takes only a few seconds to send a text.

Life isn't that busy. Hectic maybe but there are moments in between.

It wasn't until once again someone unleashed the fire I had buried within. It was only until recently that I realized it wasn't just the sex I was actually craving, It was a real connection.

Completely turned on and craving more, but this time more with the same person.

Sex is like a drug let's be honest.

The more we get the more we crave especially when it is so good, effortless and mind-blowing, which I stumbled upon again. Boy was he delicious.

It occurred to me that some of the guys I hooked up with in the past, I either faked an orgasm or prayed for it to be over more often than not, especially with my ex husband. And if I am being completely transparent I lost track a long time ago, some still remain nameless, strangers sharing a brief moment.

I was always good separating my emotions, sex was sex and I treated it like that. I never got attached.

People might say that I am emotionally detached, that I can get over relationships way too easy, that I have commitment issues.

That I rushed into a marriage for all the wrong reasons. ..

Perhaps...maybe... definitely. I really didn't have solid role models.

As a teenager two weeks of having a "boyfriend" was my limit at a time. Then I met my first, the one who I gave my virginity to at the solid age of 14 and a half.. He was 17. Yes spare me the eye roll... I know I was young. But I actually had real feelings for him. Not just "puppy" love. He made me feel like I was the only one in the world that mattered.

The way we meshed, talked, hung out and how he adored me. Then he moved without warning, and broke my heart into a million pieces although not his intentions.

He then moved back 2 years later and we were set on rekindling what we once had intimately.

We hooked up a few times and decided we would try a relationship again and then the night before our "first" official date since moving back he was killed walking home from work.

He was hit by a vehicle. He was only 19. I don't know if my heart ever repaired fully.

My first "love" was dead, and a piece of me died with him.

After that sex wasn't a big deal it wasn't "special" anymore. And my numbers kept climbing.

My track record isn't the greatest.

I didn't just go out with the intentions of getting laid, it just happened.

Love was a fairytale that I no longer believed in.

I spent years in and out of the dating world, never allowing myself to get too close, too attached.

I had no problem being outspoken with other issues, no problems calling someone out and not sugar coating anything. I struggled with vocally projecting my feelings. Words to me were just empty shells.

I was a firecracker back in the day, with not a care in the world. Charismatic, and confident full of piss and vinegar ....FEISTY.

My past made me hard.

My childhood set me up for disappointment.

I had to grow up way too fast.

My Dad's mental health took a toll on me always walking on eggshells.

My past made me who I am today, and if you kept up

That girl no longer lives inside of me.

Find your calm…

Liberate yourself.

Surround yourself with those who add to your life not deplete from it.

Step back, reboot

Gain perspective.

While each of us struggle with our own quirks. Allowing someone to show up who opens up a new way of order.

With every breath exhaling your old ways, changing your pattern.

Creating a different mindset one that welcomes peace.

One that no more tolerates or settles for. I am conscious of my shortfalls, I keep pushing on.

Sometimes it takes that one person to walk in your life and look at you a certain way changing or showing you something of substance.

Stepping out of our comfort zones briefly and allowing our mind to adjust.

Being able to be myself is huge, being able to speak freely, allowing my softer side to peek out.

Being able to clear my mind and relax, lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.

After years of dating the wrong people,

After years of consuming all that negativity,

After years of tolerating shit I never should have experienced. I’m done fighting and arguing, done with the endless chatter. Done with the past.

Knowing damn well I deserved better.

Knowing but feeling trapped at the same time.

Where jealousy and insecurity, spewed on their part.

Where obsessive behavior made me feel like a prisoner in my own life.

Again not qualities I possess. Rather those of the wrong men.

And not qualities or lack of that I ever want to encounter again. Never again will I be put in that situation. I have no room for uncertainty, no room for chaos, no desire to be angry, so please don’t give me a reason, as this time I’ll just walk away.

No desperation, I have been solo for a long while, by choice. Please don’t push my buttons, I know what I bring to the metaphorical table. Ideally working together to never allow conflict to consume us, rather take the steps to say our peace and be able to resolve it and leave it lie.

I had to work on myself, step back, re-evaluate.

Baby steps.

Like a puzzle when you finally find that missing piece and that feeling of completion. I completed this by changing what was no longer working for me, changing on my own terms and completely for myself, I don’t need anyone to complete me.

Finding those people who just fit naturally was a bonus.

I adapt to situations. Some people will say I’m a bitch and hard , some will say I’m sweet and soft. Some will say that my softer side is more dominant now than in the past. For those who knew me back then I haven’t lost my edge, I just have no use for that side of me to come and play these days. To those who thought they broke me…

I have pieced myself back together better than ever. You can hold on to the old version of me, because this new one deserves respect, you took me for granted assuming I would stick around, fighting your own demons and trying to drag me down.

My intentions are pure as well as my heart.