A moment of calming, honest self analysis.
I spend extensive amounts of time rooted in deep thought. There’s something about those pensive moments of introspection that bring my heart and mind great, and much needed sense of calm. Pondering the human condition seems to be one of the only states of mind that brings me joy. I’m not sure if this is because of my reverence for and fascination with energy, and the ways it ebbs and flows. Or if it’s due to my appreciation for the existential struggles that appear in the separate, yet wholistic realities we all face daily. Whatever the cause, I cannot help but find myself totally transfixed on these meditations.
Throughout my life I’ve always been enamored with patterns. It began in my youth, always becoming more attentive whenever I’d hear music. The variety in styles, genres, & melody never ceased to fascinate me. It seemed as though no matter where I went there was always some sort of backdrop of sound that I’d be sure to hear, it turned even the most mundane outting into a sort of mini-adventure. It wasn’t all the time, but miscellaneous sounds, noises, etc. have always caught my attention and made my mind race just listening to the hum of the city.
Now personally, I think being so caught up in losing myself to a world of music does make me a bit of a weirdo, but moreover I take pride in it. It is a quality that reminds me that I’m a dreamer and I love it. Songs can paint pictures in my head so vividly that I can hardly describe it, putting it into words simply couldn’t convey they awe inspiring feeling I get from truly absorbing the vibrations of music that moves me. It reaches out to me on a level I can only describe as spiritual and metaphysical. Listening to music my favorite pastime if for no other than that it speaks directly to my heart & soul unlike anything else can. I don’t know how I’d rather spend my time, growing up we were provided for, cared for, and spoiled to an extent, that doesn’t mean we had it easy though.
Throughout my adolescence my main focus was to put myself in a position to do what I love and become as wealthy as possible. My thinking drifted more towards becoming rich and famous. Unfortunately this line of thought is where I realized I had begun to become blinded by my own ego and building it up. Confidence was tricky for me because I had a hard time distinguishing between being kind and being nice. Eventually I began to conflate the two in my head. My inner dialogue has been one of the only things I truly cannot get a good grasp on. For a long time I felt that I had to sacrifice my happiness and work hard, hypnotized by hustle culture. Looking back, I wish there was a little voice in my head telling me to do what I wanted more often and let the cards fall where they may. I don’t get too down on myself for it though, because without the experience I gained over these last 24, now 25 years especially in these last 5, molded me into who I am today.
I often use my music to express this inner discourse in a medium that is meant to be shared. My inspiration is everyday people and their opposing lifestyles, perspectives, & habits. I see humanity as an enigmatic group, having access to a collection of shared experience that resides within what is referred to as the “collective consciousness” we often require access to the perception and perspectives of others with a similar mindset to affirm our respective positions in life. This is what separates the wise man from the fool. As the fool learns from their own experience, whereas the wise can learn from another. The goal is not to compare or define ourselves for what we are, more often it is to highlight what we are not.
Far too often this line of thought lends itself to what we cannot hope to be. It is this hopeless feeling from being so connected that is the core reason comparison is something to use sparingly. The subjective leaves much up to interpretation which can often lead to confusion in casual and social settings. We struggle to understand where we fit because who we truly are escapes our grasp. That is not to say that this is a fact, as there are many who are securely rooted in self knowing that they have an intimate knowledge of self that allows them to live as their truest selves comfortably.
While I have no issues navigating social cues I find it lost on me, the intrinsic comprehension of how much I’m to conform. To subscribe to the collective subconscious understanding of those around me. As we all know, common sense isn’t. I often hear or see people comment on common sense, yet I wonder if they understand what they’re saying by invoking a request for such a thing. With 8 billion people living on earth it is a wonder how we still call upon the use of common sense so often. It is as though we expect that everyone around us has been exposed to the same things and have grown to have the same experiences as us.
Is it common sense to cook for a guest? Is it common sense to unconsciously follow behind a friend when walking in an effort to watch their back? What about washing your hands after using the bathroom? (if you don’t you can go ahead and just stop reading now young, we don’t condone that) Or sneezing? Or holding doors, the list goes on and there are subsections that continue endlessly. My question is when will we acknowledge that in a world such as ours common sense cannot exist as a unilateral whole, yet it is used in this way.
By any measure the ability to read a room in any social setting is a skill to be refined and valued. I can’t help but wonder to what extent does this ability become more of a hinderance than a help. When does this skill transition from being a courtesy to flat out people pleasing?
As an artist I find that I have quite the time trying to define myself. In the modern world where one’s attention span is on average 7 - 8 seconds it’s easy to understand how discombobulating it can be working with such a demographic. The expectation is that artists and creatives are able to deliver an experience at a faster pace to trigger the dopamine hit we’re all looking for.
In all honesty I think this is because we’re so inundated with a myriad of experiences daily we crave something that can take us out of our comfort zone. Some form of expression that can break up the monotony of the human condition in modern times. On a basic level it’s like we’re trying to neatly define meaning in a satisfying and neat manner. Unfortunately I think this robs us of the genuine appreciation of the experience of life as a whole. As we go throughout our routines we’re always looking for something to satisfy us further, often without adding a significant enough amount of energy to accomplish this. We’re lost in the inexorable March onwards towards progress without direction.
It will take those who are brave enough to dare to be themselves unapologetically to help us see who we are. In an age where it feels like every generation that follows the one before become more and more disillusioned. Where is the meaning that we all seek? Where is the illusive thing that sets us apart allowing us to have confidence in knowing that we are truly unique? These are questions I hope we can address and answer on a societal level to preserve the beauty that we can find in our lives.
About the Creator
“Kuro Silence (Seijaku) is a rapper/producer from Baltimore, Maryland. From trap to experimental, Kuros work defies normative currents of Hip-Hop’s soundscape with his work ethic and forays into Hip-Hop’s many sub-genres.”
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