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Quitting Relationships Assumptions Will Save You

We know we're wrong for assuming, but we can't help the self-sabotage in romance.

By Ellen "Jelly" McRaePublished 2 years ago 8 min read
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Guessing? Probably best not to. | Image created on Canva

How do people get it so wrong in dating?

I'm not asking for a friend, by the way. I'm asking for my own curiosity. How do human beings who supposedly learn from experience, and grow from their mistakes, keep getting it wrong?

Dating, from finding someone all the way through to marriage and beyond, is another facet we're meant to learn. We stuff up, we don't do it again. In theory, it should be simple.

But there is always this small part of the human condition out to sabotage us. This one action we're all guilty of doing. And like me with a jar of sweets, an action that's impossible to resist.

Assumptions. Even reading over the word sends pangs of dread, regret and confusion through my body.

Because we all know the old saying. Assumptions are the mother of all (polite version) stuff-ups.

On behalf of everyone, this is my campaign to end the most detrimental, outdated, and overused dating assumptions. And to help you better your relationships. 

Dating assumption victim right here

There was this one guy who assumed I had fallen in love with him after our brief and very disappointing one-night stand. Why? Because I called him for a re-do, to see if I could rewrite our horrible night. He assumed it must be love. 

Wrong.

Then there was this girl, who I stupidly kissed after a thousand drinks back in my university days. I try not to live in regret. But my overly passionate display turned around her assumptions about me.

I ended up having to break her heart when I explained it was the alcohol and curiosity controlling me, rather than genuine emotions.

Sure, you could say my actions justify the assumption. We can make a case for anything if we want to justify something enough. There is always an exception to the rule.

But if we were making dating rules right now, dating assumptions set us up for more failure than wins.

Assumption #1: The assumption of making the first move

Here is something romantic fiction of all forms has reinforced to us. When someone makes a move on another person, it means they "like" them.

Believe it or not, this assumption is multifaceted, hence its prevalence in society for so long.

When there is any possibility of confusion, assumptions fester.

This assumption leans on the idea:

One. We all agree on what constitutes a "move" - Everyone thinks they know when someone is flirting with them.

But let's be real here, everyone has their own brand of lust language. Whilst we might think there is a universal code of flirting, the more you date, the more we realise this isn't true.

For example, they might "offer to buy a person a drink at the bar". It's a classic act of affection many can construe as making a move.

But the generous offer is not sexually driven, or because of any desire to be romantically involved with them.

They might offer to buy a drink because:

  • They're lonely and want someone to talk to
  • They think you need it and this is a sign of goodwill
  • They're trying to set you up with someone else
  • They're trying to make a professional connection with you/sell you
  • It's the polite thing to do in that scenario
  • It's part of their culture

Or, it could be because they are making a move. I can't entirely ignore that.

Two. Everyone's interpretation of the term "liking" someone - Another assumption. To like someone means many things. It could mean:

  • You want to date them
  • You have romantic feelings for them
  • You want to go on a date with them
  • You want to marry them
  • You want them as a partner
  • You have a crush on them
  • You exclusively have feelings for them

When we put these two ideas together, there are many assumptions tangling together. We're reading into someone else's actions, taking them at face value and adding our own interpretation to them.

A person who does XYZ means they feel ABC about me.

What a recipe for disaster. In short, making the "first move" (whatever that may be) on someone doesn't indicate they are:

  • Actually making a move at all
  • Sexually attracted to the person
  • Emotionally attracted to the person
  • Looking for love
  • Looking for sex
  • Looking to make a dating connection with you

Assumption #2: Women can't have sex without love

"You can bang your head against the wall and try and find a relationship, or you can say 'screw it' and just go out and have sex like a man."  - Samantha Jones

In case you're wondering, what she meant was:

  • Sleep with a person without falling in love with them.
  • Separate sex from emotions.
  • You can have sex with someone without falling in love with them.

Despite her sage advice, and how most people understand the concept, there is still an underlying belief it's not possible for women like me to turn their emotions off at the bedroom door.

And the assumption is so wrong.

Sure, they are women who can't do this. But it's wrong to lump us all in together. We're smart enough to understand that:

  • Sex doesn't always lead to a relationship
  • Sex can lead to a relationship if both parties want it to
  • You don't fall in love, true, unwavering, all-encompassing real love after one quick romp
  • The need for sex can be purely a physical feeling and has nothing to do with emotions
  • You can sleep with someone simply because of a sexual desire, and not an emotionally driven one - The physical attraction is there but not an emotional one
  • Intimacy and sex are mutually exclusive ideas - The two aren't the same. The juvenile way of looking at intimacy as the physical joining of two bodies is very one-dimensional. Intimacy is far more complex, requiring more than sex to sustain it.

To assume we don't know this is unfair. We aren't like the cliches in movies, who fall in love after the first kiss. We have brains, you know.

Assumption #3: To be in a couple is to feel content in your love life

It's pretty messed up that this assumption still exists, considering everything we know about unhappy relationships. And how people become trapped in their miserable situation without ways of escaping.

Yet, there seems to be this falsity about those in a relationship. If a couple remains together, they're happy. And, in the case of the most damaging assumption, if you're in a relationship, you're happy.

This second assumption I mention works off the accomplished theory. It assumes:

  • People are only looking for "relationships" - Life is about being in a couple, no matter who it's with
  • People are only satisfied when they're in a relationship - Again, no matter who it's with
  • Being in a relationship is the ultimate achievement - You've made it, in life, if you've found someone to be with
  • You can't ever be unhappy if you're in a relationship - You're only unhappy when you're single

What this assumption hurts is those who are in abusive relationships. It makes it impossible for someone to leave their partner, lament about their situation, or seek help from anyone who believes this.

It's the whole reason we have divorces and break-ups. If this assumption were true, no one would ever break up, right?

Assumption #4: The singles are always hunting for a partner

It's like we're back in the 1950's, with women in the kitchen and men bringing home the metaphorical bacon with this assumption.

We have evolved past this antiquated approach to life. Single people aren't always looking to change their situation.

Here's something that might come as a shock to those still believing this assumption. Single people are happy. It's not a hard and fast rule that single people:

  • Hate their single situation
  • Are actively hunting to change their situation
  • Are lonely or wish to include a partner in their life
  • Are single because of their situation (in that they haven't found someone) and not by choice
  • Will change this point of view as they realise how good it is to be in a relationship (which we know from earlier assumptions isn't true)

I will say there are singles who defy my assumption clarification. There are singles in the world who:

  • Completely despise being single and wanting a partner
  • Are looking for a partner all the time
  • Won't feel satisfied until they find someone to be with

I understand how confusing it can be when you meet a single person who loves their unattached life. And then, two seconds later, meet a single who hates their unattached life.

Despite the confusion, you can't assume. 

Because, no doubt, you will get it wrong, offend someone, or make an ass of yourself. Or all the above.

Will assumptions ever go away?

I would love to say this is the end of relationship assumptions. I've inked it to the internet, so it's done, put to bed, everyone move on. 

If only it was that simple.

As the age-old assumptions die, new ones will emerge. As we change our values about the world, and our attitudes towards life, new assumptions will come from the trends.

Once again, we will find ourselves battling what society thinks is the case. And battling what they get so horribly wrong.

We can't change the fact that to assume is to be human. We do it ourselves, despite all our attempts to perfect anti-assuming.

But as long as we don't become hell-bent on living our lives by the assumptions, we will be ok. 

It's our life to live. So let's live it.

lovedating
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About the Creator

Ellen "Jelly" McRae

I’m here to use my wins and losses in #relationships as your cautionary tale | Writes 1LD; Cautionary tale #romance fiction | http://www.ellenjellymcrae.com/

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