Putting myself out there

That one time I did and the regret

Putting myself out there

Okay so first off, everyone should go listen to this song by a friend of mine named Famez. He’s an amazing artist and an amazing person and he’s going to do amazing things with the future ahead of him. With that being said... I would like to ask a question. Feel free to answer at your leisure. My question is..is it wrong or weird to want to love/ fall in love with someone that you know you can’t touch or be with? I ask this because I have done this twice before. I fell in love with my best friend, we’ll call him ‘Jacob’, after four years of complete internet and phone conversations. He and I had mad a pact to get married and have a kid if we didn’t find partners but life gave us lemons and we made our own types of lemonade. I realized I had actually fell for Jacob when I had let a week go by and I didn’t talk to him and it made me sick. When I did talk to him he made me feel so good inside and so happy and warm. So after beating myself up about “going for it” I told him how I felt about him. I was of course a tad bit tipsy but he couldn’t tell the difference. At first he laughed it off and was like “no way.” then I told him yeah way. I started to get upset and cry because he didn’t take me seriously so I said whatever and we argued and stopped talking completely. To this day I’ve spoken to him once. It was a brief conversation about meeting up and catching up on life. The day he came to town I moved 11 hours away. He was the first love that felt real and pleasant. Do I miss it? Heck yes! I miss it so much that I’m finding myself doing the same thing again with someone else but this time I am considering going to see him. I couldn’t see him because of COVID before but now I can travel and I’m thinking of just taking a trip to Florida and meeting up with him. Have I asked him or mentioned it to him? Ha! No. Is that a little sus? Definitely! Especially since we don’t really know each and we aren’t even in the same “reality” if you get my drift. I just want to be a friend of his so that we can share stories and cook food together while singing to each other. Why is my brain so complicated?

dating
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Shaquavia Holloway
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