Product Review (I did NOT write this while I was buzzed!)

so I bought this boxed chocolate cake late at night at a Save-A-Lot, and the first problem was the cart didn’t take my coin!

But, no problem, it moved anyway. I had to kick the shit outta it cause it didn’t move at first in the cart stall. No problem. It was dark as hell outside and no one saw me.

I am slick as 007. Like James Fucking Bond.

Once I was inside, I talked to one of them cute cashier girls and she informed me that I was in a Save-a-Lot… NOT Aldi’s, and there carts did not require a effing coin, so yeah, I felt kinda dumb.

I’m writing this at 1:23am after the fact, so sue me.

Yeah, so I was at this party that my cousin Deidre best friend’s buddy told me about from a Facebook post. We’re all mutual friends and shit.

I’m not drunk, so just bear with me so I get to the details of this boxed cake review okay???

So, I went over to the party, right? Just for shots. Shits and giggles, I mean.

And this guy comes over to me.

And I’m like, what up? What up. What’s upppp???!

And he proceeds to tell me about how Much he fucking loves chocolate cake.

Like adores the shit outta it.

His face was red from how much he really passionately, loved this confectionery dessert made of cocoa and cream and butter and went into details of how to make the PERFECT chocolate cake.

He was high as fuck. I presume? Idk.

He talks about how dark chocolate is better for you than milk, and I’m like yeah dude you know it, but I’m yawning.

But I’m getting hungry as I listen to him.

So, I bounce.

I tell the guy that got me to come I’ll be back layers, I mean, laters, and he nods and throws me a beer.

I put it down, though. I don’t drink and drive!

“See ya, Trent!” The chocolate cake guy says to me. I nod.

How the fuck does he know my name after so much blathering—-I barely got a word in! I’m not drunk, guys!

I’m not even buzzed.

I only had six beers. Shit. And a shot.

Damn, I can’t even find a girlfriend.

Okay. Anyway.

Moving on.

So I’m going through the aisles and the bright lights are pissing me off. That was the FIRST little annoyance, haha Futurama.

Then the fucking cake aisle was missing. Off the map. Off the face of the earth!

But, some old lady helped me.

She didn’t work there.

“Youngsters can’t find shit these days!” She said as she walked away. She was cool.

So, I get the damn cake mix, and it’s not dark chocolate. But, that’s okay. I find some dark chocolate to mix in the batter(the guy at the party said to melt it with butter and fold it in the mix).

It comes out to $2.84. I use my debit card.

I’m three cents short. Some guy helps me out(the cashier).

I feel pretty bad about my life at this point. But—-

I got the cake mix.

I go home to my cat.

I start getting all the little things together to make the cake.

So, I spilled something on the damn instructions but I saw on your company website some instructions to help me! Good customer service follow-up!

I decide to make “Death by Chocolate,” since that damn guy wouldn’t shut the hell up about eating it at that restaurant Bennigan's. The Irish pub place. You know the fucking one I’m talking about.

But it’s lopsided and looks like the mother of Frankenstein creations made by yours truly. I don’t blame you guys! I just am a shit baker.

I think I ate so much chocolate cake…

I Became the cake.

And by extension, myself. And chocolate.

And the leavening ingredients.

Okay cake, guys. For the price, and quantity and quality:

*** stars

Three stars out of my asshole

I mean…

Three out of five stars.

Also, my cat can’t eat it, so, I dropped a star. I might be a bit buzzed. Sorry.