Preferences & Blessings

I know you’re thinking I’m about to tell you that you need to let your standards go and just throw your “list” out the window. On the contrary, I think standards are necessary, but I do believe we [human beings] are prone to getting in our own way by standing behind our “preferences.”

What is a Preference?

Apple’s dictionary defines preference as the following:

1. A greater liking for one alternative over another or others

2. Favor shown to one person or thing over another or others

3. A thing preferred

Let’s be honest, we all know what a preference is, but I wanted to return to its root because even though we know what it is, it’s not something we’re born with. Preferences are learned and created through experiences, and in some cases, they’re taught. I didn’t come out of the womb knowing that I preferred Snickers over Milky Way’s – I had to try them both first, but I do know that I was taught (or told) at some point to prefer cargo shorts over booty shorts. Often times, when we have a bad experience with something/someone, we no longer prefer that particular thing/person, which is valid.

Before we get too deep, disclaimer…

ALL PREFERENCES ARE VALID. Your feelings are valid, your experiences are valid, and when it's all said and done, you can choose to do whatever you want to do, and you can choose whatever makes you feel safe.

However, we have to be careful not to let our preferences impede upon what is meant for us.

And we're back...

The idea of preference applies to any aspect of our lives. There are dating preferences, often associated with physical features and personal attributes; FCG (Food, Clothes, Goods) preferences (and yes, I just made up that acronym). There are career preferences; and the big one, sexual preferences. For this particular write-up, I am choosing to focus on dating preferences. There’s no point in me sitting here writing to you about changing your food choices – do what works for you. And if I chose to focus on sexual preferences, this could very well turn into a dissertation. So let’s get to it, shall we?

The Dating Wave

How many of you have that infamous list of things that you want your person to have? *raises my hand* How many of you have turned down a guy or girl because they didn’t check all your boxes? *raises my hand* On the flip side, how many of you have completely thrown caution (or your list) to the wind and settled for someone just because you were tired of waiting? *raises my hand* We’ve all done it. Whether you’ve settled into a relationship or just a hookup, we’ve all been there. To be honest, the only reason I’m even able to write this piece is because I’ve walked in these shoes…and ran them ragged.

I’ve lived in New York City for about eight years now. Once I got over my initial excitement about all the potential prospects here, I started to get into a groove of dating and…my list. It comes in waves, though, right? We start off firm looking for people that match up to what we want. We don’t get any action (or the action we’re hoping for) even though we’ve put ourselves out there in a variety of spaces. Keep in mind, the time frame for how long we stay committed to our list is entirely based on our willpower. Some people can last for months, while others can only make it a few weeks before they need “attention.” Then we get the attention we’re desiring, even though they’re not “the one,” and the cycle repeats itself.

For clarity, what I mean by attention is sexual attention, texting attention, flirty attention, etc. We all have needs, and we’re human, so we’re programmed to desire community/companionship/love from others, but where do we draw the line? When are we right for having preferences, and when are we letting our list stand in the way? What’s the middle ground between, “I only date tall guys” and “He needs to have a job,”? Because at the end of the day, we’ve all experienced or heard someone say, “Oh, that’s just my preference,” and it’s never comforting or reassuring.

Preferences In Real Life

We’re dating in a day and age where preference reigns supreme, and people are using their preferences as shields and excuses to treat people poorly. Let’s think about it, the very idea of swiping right and swiping left is all preference. At that moment, a person has chosen to express a snapshot of their life. We get to decide if we want to indulge or not, and then we subject ourselves to the same preference test as the other person makes their choice. Even after these decision making moments, we still have no idea if what we’re reading is true or how old someone’s picture might be, but we take a chance in hopes that it’s Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Let’s just say Tinder, OkCupid, Bumble, Hinge, Grinder, Scruff, Plenty of Fish, Match.com, Chappy, Coffee Meets Bagels, *takes a breath* and the like are all making a killing. They’re profiting off of our need to find someone that matches up or our need to find someone attractive enough to canoodle with. This type of dating culture allows us to sit in our preferences and use them as justifications to never venture outside our comfort zone. A woman (or man) no longer has to say to a guy, “I only date tall guys,” she or he can just swipe left or not respond at all.

Let’s take it a step further. Recently, there was a television show that swept the nation that was in itself a dating experiment. Love is Blind on Netflix. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, the logline is, “Singles try to find a match and fall in love -- without ever seeing each other face-to-face, as emotional connection attempts to conquer physical attraction.” This show is the epitome of both sides of my preference argument. On the one hand, you get to witness people’s preferences stand in the way of them being with someone potentially great. While on the other side, you get to see what kind of love can be born when people can disconnect from their preferences.

I don’t want to ruin the show for those who haven’t seen it, so mild spoiler alert, but I’m specifically referencing the situation with Jessica & Mark and Lauren & Cameron. Jessica was toying with the idea of being with Mark, and one of her main concerns was his age. He’s younger than her. She was also being blinded by someone else that she thought was better because he checked off more of her boxes. Only to find out that Barnett was more interested in someone else.

Meanwhile, with Lauren & Cameron, they seemed to fall for each other instantly, I accredit some of that to TV editing, but overall the connection was there. Once they decided to be together, they were able to meet face to face. After meeting Cameron, Lauren says, “I feel like this environment has allowed me to date outside my race, without even knowing, mainly because Cameron and I’s connection was so strong that I really didn’t care what color he was. It just turns out that he was white.”

Case and point, preferences can help, preferences can hurt. Thankfully, Lauren was given the opportunity to put aside her initial physical preference of dating someone in her race and was able to discover a love she’d never experienced before. Moreover, this is the perfect segue way into my next point – preferences are STILL important.

Preferences Still Matter…

…but they take on a new form. I know it may seem like I’m contradicting myself, but go with me. Lauren says something before meeting Cameron face to face that provides some good insight. She says, “Everything has just been building up to this moment, to meet this man who I feel like fell out of the sky. I feel like he was made in a factory, like he was specifically put together for me.” This is easily overlooked, but she’s telling us that she’s known or has had inklings about the kind of man she wants (or wanted) before the show. What she’s saying is she still had her own personal, emotional preferences (or standards) that went beyond physical appearance. I’m not urging anyone to throw caution to the wind or to be a list stickler, I’m merely urging you to find the middle ground. It looks different for everyone, but it definitely exists.

Up until that last paragraph, I have avoided using the word standard(s) because we often use “standard” and “preference” interchangeably, but I don’t think we should. I believe that preferences occupy a physical realm, while standards inhabit our emotional realm and are more closely related to a non-negotiable. Look, we have to have standards. We have to know what we like and don’t like. It’s the only way we’ll be able to function effectively in a relationship. It reminds me of the quote, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” It’s the same concept. We have to stand by our standards/non-negotiables, or our core values so that we don’t end up in a rundown relationship. But we should be open to how those core values can manifest in someone (that may or may not be what we’ve dreamed of).

Our core values are our guiding light, so if you’re unsure of what those are for you, that’s a great place to start. I don’t want to list core values because everyone’s upbringing is different, but I’ll just say think about the qualities you’d want your partner/possible 'parent to your child' to embody. Along with that, you should personify your core values as well, especially if you’re expecting them in someone else. Once you’ve made that determination for yourself, the Universe/the Law of Attraction/God/whatever you believe in will conspire with you to make that happen. Overall, you can’t be in a healthy partnership without knowing who you are (to some extent) and what you stand for.

Don’t Fall Into The Trap.

My motivation for this piece was the idea that our preferences can block our blessings. If we turn someone down because they are outside of our race, but that was our “soulmate,” do you think they’ll come back into our lives? Or maybe you turn them down because they don’t have a car, or a college degree, or a promising enough career (for you)? What if you missed out on someone that possessed every single quality you were looking for because they had a unibrow, and you wouldn’t give them the time of day?

It’s so easy to get caught up in physical appearance or status or wealth, especially when we’re on the hunt for our person. We must be conscious of the individuals that are just putting on a show with their wealth and power. We have to do our best not to fall for the trap, and keep an open mind to those that may not immediately look like “the one” we envisioned.

My unpopular opinion is that preferences can be idiotic, and they may be what’s standing in the way of the love you’re searching for. Determine your core values and find your middle ground! Your love is out there.

PS - There is nothing wrong with a hookup. A moment of casual sex could save your life, haha. Again, we’re human. We all have needs. Just make sure you’re both in it for the hookup and not to find your soulmate. We get hurt, and we hurt others when we confuse the two.

Peace & Love