Patience

I never understood why she was the way she was. Years ago it likely would have never even crossed my mind. I was oblivious.

I've been through many, many friendships in my lifetime, and yet none have stuck around nearly as long as she has. Going on 8 years now. She's been here through about... 5 other friendships I'd say since we met. Maybe more, I've lost count.

We met in a roleplay group I created back in say, 2014, I believe. That roleplay is still going to this day believe it or not. We had a couple others with us, but they had to leave it years ago. For some reason we kept it going, and somehow the story is still being told. We joke about making AUs when the main storyline is finished, but I think it'll be a little hard to let go and tell a different story.

Throughout the years I've become what a lot of people would label as a disgusting, hateful person, simply for speaking my mind. I've lost friends over this notion, despite them knowing it's nothing but a dumb rumor. I guess it comes with having an online presence. But she's stayed right beside me and picked me up when I've fallen into rounds of self-loathing. I could hardly even begin to return the favor; I may be good with words, but I don't think they're that special. To me, I'm not that great at comforting people.

She's voiced that she doesn't know what to say most of the time, and she's insecure to some degree that her words wouldn't come across well, but if anything they mean the world to me. I don't think she knows how much they mean either. I joke about it, but sometimes she does make me genuinely cry.

I had a pretty heavy talk with her the other day. I was absolutely terrified out of my mind; what if she got angry? What if she blocked me? What if we never spoke again?

What if she hated me?

I was shaking. But I pressed send anyway. Communication was good, it wasn't my fault some people couldn't comprehend that, right? I hoped it would be okay.

The entire time we spoke I was on edge. Over-analyzing every little detail in her messages. I was usually awful at taking criticism, I'm as stubborn as a mule, especially under pressure.

But it all went smoothly. I never found anything off-color; she calmly explained to me what all I might need to correct about the topic. After the conversation I was feeling elated; something I hadn't felt in a good few days because the weight of it had caused a severe depressive episode in me. I was nearly bed-ridden, I didn't want to eat, I didn't really want to shower or brush my teeth. I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay home and sleep.

And yet, talking it through with her helped it immensely. I didn't leave feeling worse than before. She held a completely open mind through the entire conversation, and never once tried to actively make me feel guilty about the issues I was having with the topic. Though there's something else I always feel guilty for.

I feel guilty that I can't be better for her. That I can't just be... normal. I'm constantly overthinking our friendship due to past traumas. It took everything in me to even bring up what was wrong, and it still does, despite her telling me time and time again that it's okay for me to talk to her if I need to. That she's there for me. And while I believe her, I just can't bring myself to say anything.

I don't want to be a bother. She has more important things to worry about like college. I live at least three states away, only contact is through a screen, how do I matter to someone who can't see me most of the time?

I've never understood what she sees in me. What makes me look so good in her eyes. To me I'm a nobody. Surely she has better friends, that can meet more of her needs than I can?

I feel so guilty feeling this way almost all the time, even though I know I shouldn't. It isn't my fault that I ran into a few too many bad eggs.

But I can't help it.

And she knows that. Yet she still sticks around.

Maybe someday in the future I'll be able to understand why. Or maybe not, who knows?

Regardless...

I believe she is the sole reason I'm still on this planet today. And every day I'm incredibly grateful for her patience.

And maybe someday, I can manage to repay her somehow.