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opening up

by josh napper 5 months ago in friendship
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she wanted the real me

Intro: Let’s see here, where do I start. Ya once said maybe I should open up a bit. So, let’s start this thing out nice and easy then down the line we’re go deeper. I got 2 big brothers and a sister. One lives in Oregon; the other is gay while my sis just accuses me of abuse and shit. My daddy only came back for our yearly charity of helping the homeless then off he goes back to Oregon. Momma can’t work, drive or pretty much without her walker thanks to Parkinson’s. my grandma could be called many things, hell my great great aunt is responsible for the train at john ball. For Pete sake my uncle owns two restaurants down in Indiana.

Verse 1: My whole blood line pretty much is in it for themselves, but I aint. One of my aunts lives out in Cali in a nice house, god knows where she got her dough. Speaking of I got my first job while in grade school by asking the janitor if he needed help. Man, I got 3 different jobs just cuz I asked 1 question. As time passed I wasn’t the same as my family I became the rebel I am cuz I seen what living life by the rules can do. I seen good men die young, faithful women get heartbroken, betrayal, depressed and the rest of the book of emotions. Sure, I been jumped a few times. Hell, most of those times were led by folks I went to battle with. I been in my fair share of fights, and to be honest I won some, but I also lost some.

Verse 2: I’ve lost brothers and sisters due to life struggles which is why I’ll always be there for my people when they say they can’t go on anymore. I’ve been in trouble with the 50 a few times to much maybe but hey I'm sure I'm just getting started with that. Sorry mom and dad lol. Cuz lord knows I’ll lie, steal, protect and probably kill to protect the ones I love. I lost the ones I care deeply about. I mean I got so drunk that I sent Kassie texts about how I felt, and she couldn’t look that door faster. Funny thing is I didn’t send her those texts from my heart, more like sent from my drunken mind. I couldn’t face her and tell her the truth like a man, so I skipped and skipped. That might be why it’s so hard for me to actually open up and admit my real feelings. Still to this day I tell her sorry even though I'm talking into the wind which is what I deserve.

Verse 3: Right now, I might only work at target for bout 20 hours a week and spend the rest of my week working on movies, lyrics hell even books and tv shows and more. But one day I’ll stand on the top of the top cuz that’s what I promised my people. And I aint gonna let them down, since to many have already. Sure, I know what’s liked to get my heart broken in a million pieces, hell that just happened back in June. Yet on the 4th I started writing a few sentences each night to the man who I’ll never be worthy to stand face to face to. And despite everything saying stop I’ve kept going on writing. 204 days to be exact. Similar to what I done for probably the last 150 days for a great person/friend of mine. Its just 3 simple phrases that means a lot to me.

Verse 4: So, to her I just wanna say good night, sweet dreams and have a good day. Ya see sadly she hasn’t had a perfect past so til the day I drop I’ll spend my time proving my realness and friendship, since I knew even if the impossible happened and she cared the same way about me that I feel about her I’ll never ever be worthy enough to call her mine. Some nights I even question if I'm worthy enough to call her my friend. And despite me and her number one being in each other faces half the time I gota give that boy credit since he keeps finding a way to get one more shot, while I stand by her side smiling by her side. Lord knows I aint anywhere close to perfect but I'm looking at his blue jacket- the jacket I’ll never be worthy of- my niece Elle the elephant-reminding me of the last fam I have- and those rings that I gave her saying I’ll never leave then I had to hold back tears as her grandpa gave them back to me- now they represent the rest of the promises I can keep. But even though I’ll never be perfect, I can still prove to my people that miracles can happen but first you gota put in the work cuz 2 farmers once prayed for the rain but only one went and prepared his fields. Now if you excuse me I gota go back to preparing my fields.


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josh napper

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