One-Sided

Discarded more than unwanted cards in poker, Raegan felt worthless. Waiting on people, retrieving their every need or want didn't endear her to them. Nor, did spending her days being at their beck and call.

It was years before she realized all her relationships were one-sided. From family to friends, nothing was equal. When they needed help, she was there. If they needed someone to talk to, she was their ear, or in need of someone to comfort them, she was there. She let them cry on her shoulder and sleep in her room while she took the couch.

She spent years patching up her problems the way people patch up jeans. One day, threads came out, leaving the patches to float and hit the ground like confetti. On that day, nobody was there for her. She no longer had a connection with relatives, her friend Jennifer always said she was too busy, other friends vanished from her life earlier, and Sophie didn't answer her call, but her husband did, saying his wife was too busy dealing with problems of her own. Raegan hung up the phone that day, screaming out of anger; she felt betrayed. Pushed down and forced to pick herself back up or slowly fade away.

Did they believe she never had problems of her own during the times they reached out to her? Have they always considered themselves more important than her? Her life struggles as irrelevant?

While she was catering to them, they were oblivious to her behavior and attitude shift; to the fact she was dealing with depression, anxiety, and a co-worker who only did his job half-way, adding to her workload, that getting out of bed was like climbing a jagged mountain without equipment.

For over a year after that, she closed herself off from all of her so-called friends. Relatives were a different story, giving up on them wasn't an option. She has never known the reason for the coldness she feels from them. Deep down, she knew, there was a slim chance it was her anxiety and paranoia making her feel that way, but self-deception was better than racking your insides every night unable to figure out the reason or reasons for the distance.

One day her phone started to go off with text messages:

Sophie: Hey, how are you? It's been a while.

Raegan shook her head as she read it. Something must be wrong in Sophie's world since she took the time to message her.

Sophie: Are you mad at me?

Usually, Raegan would spare Sophie's emotions, saying she wasn't mad, and take the bait, which leads to a lengthy, "Woe is Sophie" phone call.

Sophie: I don't know if you are mad at me and ignoring me or just busy, but please call me. I need someone to talk to.

There it was; Raegan knew it. She was curious why Sophie didn't turn to her husband to listen to her, but she refused to give in to her inquisitive nature.

A couple of hours passed and another message:

Sophie: Look, I know my husband was short with you when you called nearly two years ago. I'm sorry. He was just watching over me. I was going through a lot.

Yeah, I was going through problems of my own and needed you, but you didn't care. My life was in shambles as my husband had just left me, and I had nobody to lean on. Raegan thought as she read the message and tossed the phone on the couch.

A few months later, her phone rang. It was a number she didn't recognize, so she let it ring. It was probably Sophie with a new phone number or using her husband's phone. She waited for a voicemail but instead received a text message.

541-233-4567: Hey, it's Jennifer. This is my new number.

Raegan put Jennifer's name with the number so she would know when Jennifer was calling or texting. Then she closed out of the messages. During the time she shut Jennifer and Sophie out, she realized the importance of finding the solutions to her problems and ways to cope with what she can't change. Taking care of herself needed to be her focal point, for a while. Helping others is impossible when pieces of her are shattering.