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On The Unpopular Advantages Of Marrying Young

A 35-year-old's findings from 16 years of marriage. (To the same woman).

By Tim BoxerPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 5 min read
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April, 2006

Writing this piece made me nervous.

I felt odd, even slightly guilty, for celebrating monogamous marriage as something profoundly good for individuals, families and society. Worse still, that it really might be okay to marry your sweetheart from high school.

Then I thought, What?! Has 'traditional' marriage really become so undervalued that I feel bad for presenting its cause?

Whatever the case, I appeal to the unmarried to at least weigh the advantages of marrying young, versus the very western, middle class normative of post-graduate, post-career, post-identity-crisis marriage.

My question is this: why get married 'post' everything? Why not marry first and go through the formative adventures together?

I'm not trying to prove one is better than the other, but to help balance the narrative a little: there may be very real advantages of getting married young, if you get the chance.

It's worth saying that later marriage is a relatively modern thing. Talk to your grandparents. It's likely they married younger, perhaps very young. It is also far more likely they stayed married until death parted them.

Nowadays, the average age of marriage (UK) is about 35, which has been on the rise since the 1970's, alongside the increase of marriages ending in divorce*.

So if longevity and quality of marriage are important to you, it's worth thinking about.

Here are my top 4 discoveries:

1: THE POWER OF JOINT DECISIONS

There is something about learning on the job; make a commitment and work out the rest as you go.

Collaborating with your spouse about your future, your family, your career, even your education, creates a foundation of shared ownership and responsibility for what is ahead. The more joint decisions you make, the better, and the earlier you do it, the easier it'll be. You have less pride, less me to get over. The result is facing the consequences of your decisions as a team not just as two individuals.

The common objection to this stems from the desire to create an individual identity and sense of direction before marriage. I understand that and maybe there's some logic to it. But ultimately it's a choice - what do you most want to build?

May, 2018

2: KISS GOODBYE TO OPTIONS

Young people are charged: "Keep your options open!" as they rise through the education system. I'm sure there is genuine conviction behind this advice, but rather ironically it only helps with a microscopic part of what you need to thrive.

Narrowing your options actually can be an advantage. There's nothing like focus as a recipe for career success and the same can be true for marriage. Do you really need to wait around because there might be someone better, who ticks more of your boxes? Or could you reduce your options, marry, and move forward?

Of course, there are unhealthy relationships that are rushed, manipulated or even forced, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm challenging the tendency to hold back for fear of commitment.

Commitment is most scary this side of it. On the other side, you can relax and embrace each day having made your choice. You can get on with living and loving.

3: IGNORANCE IS BLISS

To be ignorant of the right things is not only bliss but is entirely responsible.

In the months leading up to our wedding an older couple were counselling us as part of a marriage preparation course. One evening they giggled about the fact they both believed the other was the best lover in the world, because they'd not known anything else. I blushed and wished they would stop talking. But fifteen years on, I'm starting to see and agree with their point. It is a disarming truth.

Once married to Ruth, I no longer had to be 'aware' of other women. I didn't need to check or balance or compare, all of which takes emotional energy.

I have travelled, started new jobs and even been back to school, all as a married man - signed off to the woman of my dreams. My options are closed. I can focus on life ahead, interacting with other women as friends, or in a brother or father role.

4: LOVE ONE, LOVE BETTER

As our older wiser couple said, as far as they were concerned, they were each others' best lovers in the world. You might think that embarrassingly naive in this day and age, when most people view sex with multiple partners as perfectly fine. And I'm not trying to make a moral point here - you can do whatever you like - but it does so happen, the evidence favours the wisdom of our counsellors.

Studies show younger marriage and abstinence from pre-marital sex are contributing factors to the longevity and health of a marriage.** And when you think about it, even without the stats, it really does make sense.

If a life-time marriage commitment is something you want, how would a range of sexual experiences before that point actually help?

So, if you marry your childhood sweetheart before you've had a chance to sleep around, your chance of having a fulfilled and long-term sex life increases.

-

Having said all this, I hope it is obvious getting married young is no silver bullet.

It won't make your marriage work. You and your spouse can make it work whatever age, stage, background or history you have.

And for Ruth and I, we didn't marry at nineteen because we thought it was the most rational thing to do. No way! We fell in love, and there was nothing else more important to get on with.

Only now am I seeing some of the practical benefits in having made that decision early on.

~

READ NEXT:"On Being A Father Of Eight And Why You Should Kiss Through The Crisis"

READ MY BOOK: "SOS Parenting: How to find hope, inspiration and courage to love and lead your family through crisis"

~

*In 1963, 8% of marriages ended in divorce by their tenth year. By 1970, it was 15% and in 2000, 23% of married couples divorced within ten years.

**https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101222112102.htm

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00996.x

Joan R. Kahn and Kathryn A. London, “Premarital Sex and the Risk of Divorce,” Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53 (1991): 845-855.

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About the Creator

Tim Boxer

Tim is UK-based writer of all things family, faith and adventure.

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  • Rowan Finley 10 days ago

    I really enjoyed reading this. I love the picture of you and your wife. I got married young and it ended up being a disaster for many reasons. I fully support people getting married young as long as they determine that their perspective spouse doesn't have NPD.

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