Omission is not Love

Omission doesn't belong in love stories. Unrequited love caused my first spouse to betray his heart and settle with me. Had I known this fact, I wouldn't have given him my heart and two children. He hid his past for ten years before his heart betrayed him when she showed up at the restaurant. The moment she showed up, his eyes glistened and never left her. In a ten minute visit with her, his wife and children disappeared as she and he chatted with each other. The blushing beauty chatting with my husband made me realize that he never let her go. He omitted his love for another as he built a life with me.

What is sad, I too was omitting my truth. I had loved once before. He was so smart and he accepted my quirks that comes with my autism. I never felt judged and always felt accepted. Young love drove us to grow together learn new things from each other. We shared everything even our intricacies of our upbringing. After a period of friendship, I joined his church. The congregation knew we were a couple. I was too young to attend the Feast of Tabernacle so I sent him off as I went back to school. He never returned. I was told by his landlord that he moved out without telling me a thing. I broke and spiraled into dark times and hid him away in my soul like my first spouse did in his younger years. Every relationship I had there after came with omission of that young love.

I was married my first spouse even though I loved another. Three years later, he came back to find me already wed. I watched his heart break in front of me as the news of my status became his nightmarish reality of the loss of me. My spouse did not know that he and I were loves at one time. Sabbath days were filled with happiness as I was able to admire my true love from afar. However, I sacrificed my soul that comes with the omission of the truth. Omission of love held me hostage to a marriage that wasn't built on true love.

Not speaking the truth, led me to watched the love of my life date and marry an awful woman in the church. Her name was Karen and she fits the stereo-typical "Karen" that society mocks. She knew my love for him and made my sabbath days miserable. Church became a bullying site. Who would expect one wouldn't be safe in such a setting, but there I was, being taunted and teased by "Their wonderful love." With me as her target, he was safe as long as I was there for her to torment. I, on the other hand, was bleeding from betrayal of love. The truth didn't matter for I was married and in the end, so was he.

Oddly, after I left my marriage and the church. He haunted every relationship I entered. No one could live up to the love I had with my first love. Each man touched parts of him but were never was him. So strange how the soul searches for the smile, the first kiss and the warm hugs he gave. I can close my eyes and I can hear his voice echo through my dreams. Odd how the soul remembers the intricacy of your true love.

Upon my return to my home to care for my mother, I found he still lived here. I had some biblical questions and I knew he could answer them. After great debate and torture that Karen would deal out, I decided to reach out to him to assist with my research. Academia drove me to return to the most brilliant mind in town. I called, made an appointment to talk, and prepared for the conversation. After leaving my mother's home, I drove to his store with my backpack in hand.

In order to deal with his "Karen", he had to adapt. Learn coping skills that were not good. Omission was one of those skills. His love for me threw me into a three party situation. I know he would have to hurt another to return to me. I would not be the other woman so I ended it. If he learned to omit, I couldn't have that in my world. What else would he cover up? "Karen" damage was too large. He adapted instead of healed from her tactics.

Walking away from the love that I remember was the hardest thing I have ever done. Addiction to relationships caused me to be lied to by young love, the concealed embezzlement of a gambler, a closet drunker and hard core narcissist. Therefore, I couldn't let him torcher me using the techniques he used to survive his "Karen". I would rather keep him in my memories as the one who was pure and honest not the one who had succumbed to unhealthy coping methods. I can't have that, so I walked away.

Interestingly, I had the opportunity to let go of the perfection of the idealistic vision of young love. Life changes all. Including me. I have become more discerning and I actively work on healing. One thing I have learned, is to forgive. I forgive him for leaving in the first place but lying through omission is something that ruined past relationships. I wasn't willing to subject myself to more damage to resurrect a love that no longer exists in reality. Letting go was necessary, for I still believe in love. Love doesn't have to be perfect, but I do need to trust the one I love.

Love, built on trust is the one thing I need. Others may need security. Some need devotion. Love shows itself individually in intimate moments in life. What one person needs isn't what another needs. I need deep meaningful conversations. I need long walks in the woods or along the beech side. I need to share memories gleaned on a trip. I need a person to share beliefs. I need to see smiles that I can share in. I want to be the one that my partner rushes home to share his excitement. Love, trusted can bloom in ways that I hope to one day taste.

Omission doesn't belong in my love story. It is a definite barrier that I have set. In my opinion, omission is an easy way to destroy a relationship. To actively alter the truth to best suit one's needs is so actively deceptive. Omission takes practice. I often wonder how many other facts haven't been spoken or hidden. Even more so, one who practices omission is an insulting the other's intelligence. Omission in a love story only brings pain in the end.

Love does come with pain too but one doesn't wake up and say, "How can I hurt my love ones today?" Putting the other's well-being first and making tough decisions need to be owned up to, discussed, and repaired. Omission only covers up and conceals but once uncovered the other is hurt by the lie. Lies happen but if you love someone, you have to fess-up and repair it before it escalates. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. No one intends on hurting the other but it happens. Love should be greater than the ego. Love should heal the pain not cause it.