Nothing Here for You

Death marks a change in life for those left behind. The start of life without that person. Depending on the role that person played in your life it can be a slight change, or your whole world can flip over. Stop you in your tracks. Make you rethink everything. Make you feel more despair and hopelessness than anything else.

When I moved 300 miles away from home to start college, I had no idea what was in store for me. Nobody really does. I didn't know that I would start out my higher education journey with my best friend and end not wanting to see her ever again. I didn't know that my heart would break. I didn't know I would lose someone I loved so dearly, and I for sure didn't know that I would find a day I didn't belong in that college town I loved so, so much. That I would have to find a way to move on, and it would lead to something better.

My first day at church, when we introduced ourselves to the college ward, there was one boy that was from the southern part of the state. Just twenty minutes from where my best friend and I were raised. I was so excited to find someone from near home, that I shouted out that we should be friends! He smiled and agreed, and it began. Our friendship. His neck was messed up, and I would soon find out it was from cancer treatments. He had dealt with cancer twice by then, but he was in remission. The scars were a reminder for him to live life to the fullest. YOLO and "Today is a Great Day to be Awesome" were phrases he used often. Our friendship grew that first year of school, and then summer came, and I went back home. He stayed in that college town.

I remember so vividly visiting him over the summer. We were driving around in his car and he brought up that he had a doctors appointment with his oncologist and they found something. He acted like it was nothing, but in my heart I knew it wasn't good. My mind went to the worst case scenario, which was death. In the end, my feelings were correct. Less than a year after that drive he was dead. Cancer came back a third time, and this time he couldn't beat it.

Sophomore year of college came without him. We switched places, I went back to school and he moved home. New roommates, new neighbors, new boys in his old apartment. New year, really. It started out fine, I made friends with those boys and we would spend nights playing Mario Kart or swimming. One of them kissed my best friend and they dated for about 2 days. After that ended, he moved on to me. We had a growing, close friendship before and after he dated my best friend. We started dating Thanksgiving and it was over when we came back after New Years.

That break up hurt because we had been so close. It hurt because of how he treated me after. I wanted to punch him in the throat so bad for so long, but now I can see that everyone is just trying to make it and find someone in this life to be with. We weren't meant for each other and that's just the truth.

This was part of the reason my best friend and I didn't stay friends. I could go into details, but I won't. Not now. All I need to say is that January of 2017 sucked. My boyfriend and I broke up, my best friend and roommate hated me, and the dark winter was becoming increasingly depressing. I missed home. I wanted to move back to my small town. I wanted to find a way to live there, have a satisfying career, own a small farm, raise a family, and be happy. The way life was going at that time didn't show the future I wanted.

Then February came. February 10th, 2017. After a test for my genetics class, I turned my phone on to see a message from my friend with cancer. My friend who was on hospice. One of the nicest and most pure hearted people I knew. He was gone. Dead. It was raining outside. Flooding, actually.

The despair came. The broken heart. I shut myself in my room, quit going to classes, and cried all too often. How? Why? Questions swirled in my head and I felt as if I couldn't go on. So many nights staring at my ceiling in the dark just wondering where life was going to go. I felt as if I didn't have a friend in the world.

That was a big change. A big turning point. What happened after that was a series of small things that got me to where I am today. Small steps. Attempts. Trying. Growth.

Swing dancing every Wednesday night at the Fun Center. I love to swing dance, and even though my friends decided it wasn't for them, I made an effort to go myself. I had to get out. I had to go do something. 300 people every Wednesday night. New faces. New conversations. New experiences. Smiles. Laughs. People just trying to get through life like me. All together, looking for a fun night. I could do that.

I did this for the last few months before summer. Then, of course, summer would come and I would go back home. Away from these people. Away from this town. Away from this life for another few months.

Five weeks before I was to go back home, I remember walking out into the cool night. Spring was finally there and it smelled so good. Dew on the grass, the stars shining bright, a parking lot full of cars. It was also quiet. Nobody was around. I left the Fun Center early because my heart hurt. It hurt so bad. I was thinking about everything. All of it. All the bad in my life and how I was trying so damn hard to make it better. To do my best.

I do believe in a higher power. I believe that someone is looking out for us. Someone who knows what the future holds. Someone who can make the future better.

I felt this that night. After so much bad, I felt a future that was better. As I stared at the stars, my heart aching, tears running down my cheeks, I felt loved. I felt known. Not alone anymore. The distinct feeling swelling within me was this.

There is nothing here for you.

That was it. The town I loved so much. The college I wanted to attend so bad. The place I felt was going to hold my happy future, was no longer for me. I cried, happy and sad tears. Sad because I wanted to stay so bad, and happy because there was another path planned out for me. Waiting for me to find.

Five weeks after that I moved home. Two weeks after moving home, as I was working at IFA (a farm and country store), a man walked through the door to buy barbed wire. He came through my line, check stand 3, and asked for my number.

Five months after that we got engaged. Five months after our engagement we were married. Five years after that we have two kids, are living in my hometown, have fulfilling careers, and a small farm. We also have a love I never thought possible. One that is unmatched by any other. We're happy together.

So, yes, the big things in life can change everything. Usually do, actually. The little things, however, can have just as much of an impact and happen far more frequently. I will remember my friend with cancer forever, the big and small things that he did. I will also always remember that night outside of the Fun Center when I felt that there was nothing left for me there. That it was time to move on. Move away. Find happiness once more.