Not Fitting In

I’ve sat here for a while, pondering this prompt.

Write a story telling us about that one time you just didn’t fit in.

That one time…

I don’t think I can manage that.

I can tell you about the one time there was conflict, and I was able to articulate my side of the story, so that the person understood, and we both left the conversation feeling better.

I can tell you about the one time I met an acquaintance in the street, and we spoke briefly and continued on our way, and I felt good about that because I had managed to pick up the social cues that said ‘this conversation is over’ and move on, instead of feeling awkward because I’d loitered past the point where I should have moved on, because I didn’t know whether the person had finished speaking and I didn’t want to be rude and leave too early.

I can tell you about the one time I remembered that ‘Come to dinner, but don’t worry about bringing anything’, actually means ‘come to dinner, and bring a bottle of wine, or box of chocolates, or anything at all, just don’t turn up empty handed’.

I can tell you about the one time where I actually did fit in, where the conversation flowed easily, where others asked me about my interests, and I was able to respond in a manner that was interesting enough for them, without boring them to tears, and I left the group feeling confident that maybe I could actually do this socialising thing.

But if you want the ‘one time’ I just didn’t fit in, you wont get it.

There are so many times where I’ve loitered on the edge of a conversation, not willing to push into the group (because isn’t that rude?), and then been accused of being a snob because I stuck to myself in the corner.

There are the times I’ve pushed into conversation (because I don’t want to be the snob, sticking to myself in the corner), and been accused of being rude because I wasn’t invited to join in.

There are the times someone’s asked me how I am, and I answered literally, with the ‘not so good actually’, and learned that ‘How are you?’ is actually just a polite way to say hello, and the other person does not want to hear all my miseries.

There are the times I’ve agonised over what to say, because words have so many meanings and could be taken so many ways, and after finding the phrasing which I believe has the clearest most concise message learning that I’ve still been misunderstood, anyway.

The are the times I’ve desperately wanted to have friends, to be a good friend, and somehow, somewhere along the line, I’ve misunderstood something, and have ended up hurting another’s feelings.

I want to buy you a present for your birthday, but I don’t know what to get. Don’t brush my query off with a ‘don’t worry about it’, when receiving presents is part of your love-language, and not receiving one will hurt. Just tell me what you like.

I’ll never ‘just pop around’. What if you’re in the middle of something important? What if you’re not up for visitors? What if I outstay my welcome? I want to see you, but I don’t want to be a nuisance, and past experience tells me that no matter how much I try to hide my oddities, I am often quite the nuisance.

See, I’d like to tell you about that one time I just didn’t fit in, but I can’t.

Not fitting in is my norm.