nightmare and end

30/10/23

I lie on my bed with my thoughts alone. they accompany me every day, following me wherever i go and they never leave. so i sit with them in solitude as they speak to me. they are dangerous, and i struggle to prevent them from taking control of me, but they are already in possession of me.

I drown in my thoughts then, as they assert their authority over my entire being. sitting with me are remnants of last night’s meal, a broken guitar and a notepad. i fixate on the scratch at the edge of the guitar, attempting to distract myself from the thoughts that crawl beneath my skin, as they take custody over every part of my body and compel me to do things. they are dangerous.

I am not in charge anymore. they are destructive, they are relentless and they are seemingly immortal and endless. they reign over me, making me reminisce and reminding me of those who are no longer alive, who only exist as memories. i travel with them through time and i come back to the same place in my abiding mess. make it stop. they are dangerous.

I focus, they make me focus on a recurring memory. 22nd march, 2022, tears fill his eyes as he listens to her favorite song for the first time. he weeps at the beauty of the song and i return back to the stable room as it continues to play. they play another song and they take me somewhere else and they leave me no escape. i am left with relentless thoughts taking me places i wish to never go to. they are dangerous.

I convince myself it will all be over, i close my eyes, hoping to wake up from this nightmare. the day fades into the night. they have not left me yet and i realize the nightmare has turned real. it is not over. it will never be over. so i see only one way out.

31/10/23

they are leaving me as the wind hits my face. finally, i am happy and i see them running away from me. they have finally left me alone, as i leave this world alone. i land on the concrete and they die with me. this nightmare is over. but i do not wake up again.

# end

at the end of the day, i think we all live pretty depressing lives. we all pretend to be happy, pretend like everything is fine and we put on a smile. but nothing is okay, nothing ever is okay and nothing ever will be okay. i think that’s life. we spend too much time trying to be happy, trying to figure out what it is that will get us peace and happiness in life. but the thing is, happiness does not exist. it is a delusion created by yourself, that this is the end of life and you will always be content. we all have voids in our life created by people who are not with us anymore, and we spend our whole lives trying to fill that void, thinking that is what will get us serenity. we live life dissimulating as if our voids are filled, and we are happy. but the real truth is, nobody is ever happy. life is short and life is fast. it does not contain some big thing that will bring you everlasting joy. the small things in your life are the most precious ones, as they are the ones that make you truly happy.