Never Better

I used to love, find love, try to maintain that essence of love at any cost for decades. Instead, of having this love story going for the next step which is marriage, I just got simply put back into the shelf and forget about me for their rest of their lives. Like they came in take me, used me and later when they feel bored and tired they put me back. It has been ever since.

And I trusted them. Hell, I even trusted this last guy. And I thought he was The One who could propose on one knee and show me the ring in front of family and friends. But I ended up with a broken guy, with an agenda of taking advantage of my goodness, of my kind nature and naivety for his own gain. And I couldn't compete with his other love who have children from him.

It's been a month I have been on my own fending for myself where I have to once again pretend that I'm okay, alright and fine with everything and at the same time creating emotional detachment from people. It was a time out every time I have a failure, or a break up or bad news like an unexpected payment or a medical bill.

Every breakup I always question what went wrong. If it's my fault or the other person? Did I let myself go physically, emotionally to the point that he was unable to be intimate with me? Did I got emotional after I got Covid? But the reality is that he wanted a place to stay with hot meals and warm place even thought he rarely slept with me in the winter. He didn't take the garbage, he didn't clean the apartment, he didn't even contribute at all. I was putting the bill. No woman should be treated like that. No matter if she is "independent," have their own shit, a man should provide no matter what. Because what's the sense of a woman taking care of a man if a man doesn't give at least something back?

And so I started looking for love in all the wrong place for decades. Did my share of heartbreaks, accidents and bad treatments. But it all changed when I met this guy and I thought, oh, he is the one, because we were connected or so I thought. My relationship wasn't healthy because now I know how gaslighting can do to women these days and he was using it plenty. He was telling me how freak out I felt when he does things that I told him not to or he don't tell me where he was going. He was always playing video games like a kid instead of moving his ass and find a job to get back on his feet. When I tried to motivate him, not nagging him, to get a job, he packed his things and left.

And I got the audacity of coming back to him because I thought it was my fault and I didn't want to go back into the singles pile. But do I want a relationship like that, were I pay most of the bill? Nope, but my low self-esteem and low confidence was feeling otherwise. Like I was grasping with every fiber of my being to make it work. But the reality of it and what I learned is that YOU CAN'T KEEP A MAN IF HE DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU unless he have a selfish motives to get what they want. YOU CAN'T FIX IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP IF YOU DON'T RECEIVE ANYTHING IN RETURN. Buying a garbage bags don't count. But then that what he did.

All the red flags that I had been ignoring came in full light when he disappeared after we had a great time driving my car 50 miles to the city, to then going to the arcade to then go to a Mexican Restaurant and pay my bill on Thursday. On Sunday, when I texted to end this relationship, he just proceed to guilt trip me: "Is that your choice, that's okay." Followed by, the internet is going slow. Yes, the internet on your phone is going slow... so slow that you landed in a motel room with his kids and the baby momma. And he hesitated on calling me after I told him to answer. He answered the phone by the third time. And my intuition has been in full swing while my spirit was telling me, it's over, let it go! When I asked that question... "Did you have sex with her?" He answered with a sheer no. But I knew he was lying. And I chuckled, I look at my phone and hit the hang up icon. Blocked his number, turn on my Xbox and blocked his name as well. Didn't cry, didn't fuzz, got showered, got dressed and went to church that day. I didn't look back.

It's been a month after that and I learned a lot. The healing process is kicking my ass sometimes because I needed connection at least having a conversation. But being isolated means, I can't force people to spend time with me. If they want to that's fine, if they don't that's fine too. My priority is moving forward, not backwards. If the universe wants me to be married and have a family, so be it, if not I have to take advantage of my singleness the best that I can. With the need for companionship, I have to survive on my own the best the I can. At least, I'm not dying. At least, I'm not asking and at least I'm not begging for scraps for attention.