Hitting the Wall

Here I am, sitting at one of those chain restaurants eating the same meal that I didn't eat in months, because I was in a relationship for shortly three months. Just a simple Long Island Tea with Wonton Tacos at a "happy hour" which brings me not such happiness at being newly "single." Where rows of empty bar stools stays dormant. Where I question myself yet again my value or standing in society as a woman is getting tougher by each heartbreak.

When we aged, the unmarried, the "spinsters," the barren are just placed in the category of being the "leftovers." Where men view us with such pity and such invisibility that it feels that we don't exist in their eyes. No matter how well dressed, or how much time and effort we put into our appearance, the results are the same in every public place (not necessarily has to be in the bar or in the club). We're turned into ghosts.

Like the magic of our youth and our beauty with a dose of spunk of life coming out of from our pores is suddenly dried out. Where our marks of our tragic life, our tragedies, heartbreaks are more noticeable in our tired eyes and blasted through our words. And going out of the revolving door of singleness, while promising to ourselves this would be our last, to then again entering once again as a sign of defeat we just left with two choices: Fight or Plight.

Fight one more time by giving a chance once again into the dreaded perils of online dating. Back into the pool of undesirable frogs looking for just a thrill of the play and "fun" not the responsibility of sharing their lives with another. Always thinking positive in the middle of the negativity, dirty pics and ghosting at the last minute seems like climbing a steep mountain in which you have to reach for at least getting into a healthy relationship. Even we fall tired at all these things when it's repetitive. Meet someone, go on a date, repeat if it didn't click.

Or Plight...

Acceptance is understandable, the broken dreams and hopes for at least having an honest and profound conversation, to have someone who can at least be by our side to protect, sustain, provide and defend is so far of our reach. Where brokenness equals walking away instead of fixing our flaws so that the opposite sex can take notice. Learning to love ourselves even if it kills us in our loneliness and solitude. Where the regrets of not forcing ourselves enough to at least meet the person half way and form a family life afterwards is in our minds constantly. The failure of not carrying our pregnancies full term because of our defective reproductive systems. The failure of at least keep on fighting. The failure of reaching our true identity of being a wife, a companion, a friend and instead opted for being lonely, alone, isolated, focused on surviving is what we don't want.

It's something that I just can't cope it well enough. Should I stay or should I go? Should I have to keep pushing towards marriage, or keep running away and choose isolation? Should I keep regretting my failures for not having kids, or having a healthy relationship or having a wedding I dream of or should I have to look at the future with optimism and learn to adapt? Should I hate myself more or should I start healing to learn to love myself?

A former friend of mine constantly said these words: "If you keep doing what you always done, you're getting what you always got." If we keep doing the same thing, like you break up, you go and get a rebound or end up in a bar, or better yet going head over heals on Tinder to find a replacement, you get the same mediocre result of having yet another messed up fueled drama situationship. If we take a time off, meditate, focus and ask for what ever you believe in to clear your path, perhaps, somehow you will find a way to at least get into a bright solid future.

It is not our end, it is our beginning. As I ended eating my meal, I have this peace and this relief that even though I faced a lot of heartaches, a lot of broken dreams I'm still waiting but at the same time destined to walk away from what doesn't benefit me. Instead of having feelings of fear, failure and regret, I have comfort. Instead, of having a messed up aftermath, I will have my dreams come true in it's time. The wall, as many have said over the years, has been broken for me to go through. I won't stop walking towards my own happiness.