Negotiating is a tool for success

I recently read Chris Voss's book "Never Split the Difference." Voss is a former hostage negotiator for the FBI. The book is simply amazing. I plan on re-reading it yearly to remind myself of each nugget of wisdom. Prime takeaway is that knowing how to successfully negotiate can reap benefits in almost all facets of life. His students' stories make his advice more useful. He talks about how some of his students have successfully negotiated salary raises, lower monthly rents, and work contracts. Most of us find confrontation outrageously uncomfortable. We prefer ghosting people instead of properly breaking up with them in person. We accept our fate at work even though our salary may be way too low. We accept that life may suck around us forgetting that we do have the power to make a difference in our lives. We easily forget that not everything is unchangeable. Humans can and do change their minds sometimes. It is okay for humans to push back sometimes and use reason to voice their thoughts. Why do we forget such an important truth and push our voices down into an abyss?

I finished reading the book almost disgusted with my annoying tendency to "go with the flow." I have been in situations where the opposing party, whether it be a colleague, supervisor, or someone else, has radically different views than mine. I disagree but frequently find myself fraudulently agreeing to avoid conflict and maintain a friendly relationship with these kinds of people. This has not made me a successful person. Contrary to reason, I am especially likely to act like this in a position where someone else is controlling something that is very important to me, such as my salary, a car I want to buy, etc. Voss' book subjects the reader to commonsense ways to kindly, but clearly, negotiate situations for your benefit. It is surprising how often people will change their minds or consider an alternative view when presented with reason. Here is the key though: make sure the other person feels that they came to the agreement on their own.

No one wants to feel pressured.

It is fascinating that the same techniques he used on terrorists and in hostage negotiations works on everyday people in common situations.

I don't want to give away Voss's techniques/advice because his book is well worth the read, and I would surely botch it. I recommend following Voss on Instagram because he frequently mentions some tips. He also provides his Instagram followers with updates from students that have used his advice to their benefit in everyday situations.

Voss also points to maintaining a healthy state of empathy when negotiating. Strong negotiators do not just give up and think, "this person is crazy." That's a cop out and it removes room to understand the other side's motives. Why not at least try, right? Plus, hostage negotiators are dealing with people's lives, and they cannot just tell the victims' families that they gave up. Unless someone is truly unwilling to get engage in a healthy negotiation or has emotional blinders that are off the charts, I finished Voss's book feeling optimistic. And guess what, I'm not optimistic. That alone is my pitch for the book.

I also found my mind wondering at one point and pondered whether some cynics are the way they are because they often cannot understand others and cannot achieve a "meeting of the minds" often. One is going to feel misunderstood if rarely in agreeable conversations, achieve a big "win" in a negotiation, or get what they want. I would leave a winning situation that Voss describes on cloud 9! Unstoppable vibes. And happy with my fellow humans. His book is fascinating psychologically.

Good luck readers!