NanaH

There is something special about being a mother of birthing daughters.

Perhaps its because I know my time will come in due course and I want to acknowledge the flame that has been lit by an incredible woman... my mother and NanaH.

When I became pregnant with my first child, Auraura Freedom. I asked my mother what she wanted to be called. I felt it was important that she connect with this name, so that she could claim her role... despite the way it all came to be.

Mum sat with that and finally came back with NanaH the H is for Heather.

The reason being is that she wanted to honour her own Nana, Mavis Gaul who she had a great relationship with.

I loved this woven thread of HERstory.

As a first time mother, I had no idea what I would experience traversing the wild unknown...

The sacred initiation from maiden to mother...

In this new territory, there she was.

My mum.

In complete embodiment of service she held it all together when I became completely undone.

She cooked and cleaned and made space for me to rest. She brought me a freezer and a dryer for the cloth nappies.

Without being asked she dove right in to the trenches of primordial wisdom.

Death.

Birth.

Chaos.

Calm...

There she was.

With tears of laughter and pain as my milk came in... there she was.

In the sheer exhaustion of learning the language and pattern of my colicy newborn... there she was.

And as if it were majick... like a fairy godmother she would vanish right when she knew her work was done when the hard yards of walking the floor were predictable she returned back into the demands of her own world.

I'll never forget how I felt the day she left after Auraura was born.

It coincided with the hormone switch of baby blues.

I cried so much.

I felt so helpless, like a newborn.

I was so scared to be alone with this baby... my baby... the daughter that I was (for a while) shunned for wanting to go ahead with the pregnancy... the one where I found my voice and told my mother to fuck off. The one who I KNEW was meant to be, despite the intensity to bring her through...

I wanted my mum to stay, because she helped so much... and I felt so out of my league... so inexperienced that I could never be as good a mother as her. She just has a knack for babies and children.

After she left I bawled my eyes out, because on a deeper level I knew my mother had initiated me into motherhood in a way that on a soul level I felt, but couldn't make sense of at the time.

Though it was slowly revealed.

Each child I have given birth to... there she was... riding the wake of transition with me.

A mother, mothering her child...

A grandmother mothering a mother.

The sacred trinity of wombman.

You see, there she was and there she will always be, a living legacy because in her doing, in her efforts, in her conscious loving and guarding of such sacred postpartum space... she has shown me how to cherish my own daughters if they journey into motherhood. She has shown me how to support birthing mother's in my community.

She has embodied pure love in the most gracious of ways, giving of herself so fully... without any want for something in return but to know her baby has been looked after.

As i write this, almost 6weeks since giving birth to my son, tears cascade down my cheek because of the bittersweet acknowledgement that she did not have this type support... not for 1 child, and certainly not for 4. I realise how incredibly challenging it must've been to rest and heal and for that she becomes a champion.

Now I see her more wholy, holy ... for I am a mother of 4 children just like her...

Now I deepen my understanding of how fucking strong my mother is.

Now I truly see the seeds she has planted.

Now I see the archetype she has created in her own image, and it's fucking powerful and magnificent.

I see this archetype in myself and my sister.

My children all love their NanaH because of her silly playfulness.

She is the type of woman that will create and orchestrate moments that become precious memories.

She'll get down on the floor and roll around with a toddler, not because she wants to... it's because how it connects with and what it creates for the child.

She is the reason I believe in majick, because she was... and she could create it out of thin air.

When there was no money or resources, she could create something out of nothing. By sheer wit, determination and imagination she could conjure curiosity and laughter... and could strike hard when needed to teach lessons hard learned.

I watch NanaH engage and interact with my children and I am touched at the profound and intensely beautiful knowing that these days will one day be precious memories that my children rekindle with heartfelt gratitude and deep meaning... and pass on the stories with immense respect and gratitude

I see my mother as a living legend and powerful matriarch. Like all ancestors, except I get to witness the majick unfold.

It's as though I am touching the ripples and tracing the stories from here into the timelines of the future.

It's mythic to be in this position as a daughter and a mother because being in the middle allows me to see the dynamic of relationship from a very special perspective. I am being imprinted in the ways of NanaH... knowing how precious she is to my children, I can step into that role when the time comes... to keep the flame alive and strong.

What a powerful seed that will bloom with such vivid colour.

What a woman!

My mother and the most incredible NanaH.