My Search for Love

My Seeking Love

Two days have passed since I texted her. Simply reaching out to see if we could be friends was my goal. But for whatever reason, all I've heard on the other end is quiet.

My love tale was meant to be in this one. My heart jumped at the possibility to get to know her better right away, only to sink farther into the darkness.

The clever banter that always seemed to have us laughing; the common interests and feeling of adventure that made me feel so at ease and as though I could say anything and be understood; these were all such promising beginnings.

What happened? I'm wondering why everything that seemed so promising could have vanished as I stand at the other end of whatever this was.

All of a sudden, it seems as though I don't even know her, that she didn't connect with me, and that all we did and said was just a dream.

We had our first kiss when we met up with each other for the third time. That evening, we had rambled through the downtown festivities as though in a dream. We had a conversation with an elderly Ukrainian man who informed us of his nation's crafts and traditions. After we registered for classes to learn how to make them, she held out a painted egg for me to snap a picture of.

She seemed like someone I had known for ages. We ate Filipino food in a large tent at the end of the night while making jokes about the poster advertising bike gear that was in front of us. It was impossible to escape the sensation that she had "had me."

She would avert her gaze from my kiss a little more than a week later. She stated she just wanted to be friends, and I was at a loss for words.

Since then, our friendship hasn't truly lasted. Once more, we hung together for a few weeks, but this time, it felt like things would start to get romantic. She grew distant, presumably as a result of the thought that there might be more.

I couldn't help but be on edge the last time I saw her, expecting for more for both of us. She acted oddly, steering clear of more in-depth talk at the pub and coming off as wary.

The issue was that I was daydreaming about finding real love, and this was obstructing my vision with expectations and dreams for the future of this relationship.

The Hope of Real Love

Our interactions with others take on the qualities of potential plotlines in the dream of a real love. Will this be the only one that develops into something more? We constantly ponder whether this is the moment when everything comes together, hoping and wishing that the seeds we have planted will bear fruit.

Do you believe that finding true love is a part of who you are and that you were born to look for it when you're in this situation?

I frequently ask myself this question. On the other hand, I ponder whether perhaps there is a cultural component at play. Could the societal myth of true love have manipulated my emotions and steered me into the fool's gold of a fictional relationship?

We all know what happens when our hopes are disappointed and we are left alone, so this is potentially hazardous territory. Pushed by the thought of finding fulfillment in another person and a loving relationship, the fantasy of true love can easily lapse into jadedness and bitterness.

In the end, I'd say a combination of the two. Humans crave solid relationships and the ability to trust someone who accepts them for who they are. At the same time, our culture forces a concept upon us that may not be practical, and as a result, our perception of true love is distorted.

Understanding that true love takes its own course and that we are not in charge can help us keep it in perspective, in my opinion. True love is something we live within of and receive as a gift; it is not something we direct.

If true love is our goal, we can grow it in our hearts and thoughts, becoming prepared for the ideal situation to ask us to pour everything we have into a true love, one that is prepared to be cooked in the kiln of life like a molded piece of clay.

We can accept that some relationships won't work out and that they ultimately weren't worth our time and effort if we don't give up on the idea of finding genuine love. This is the knowledge that develops over time as opposed to the idiocy of hankering after an ex-lover.