My Journey

My Online Journal of 2018

My Journey

So, this year I realized that nothing really ever changes with me. Well it is just March 3, 2018 and there has already been so much that has happened that I feel has defined me as a person. I would like to share my journey with whoever cares to read. Why, you ask? Well, sometimes I really wish I had someone to tell me that I'm not alone, and I feel that maybe.... just maybe my journals will let someone else know that they are not alone.

Let me start with telling you guys just a little bit about me. I am married with four kids. I have been married for just a bit over five years and I am still adjusting to being a wife and a mother. Yes, I said it... STILL adjusting. Like, no one told me this would be so hard!!! Word of advice for anyone who is about to have their first child or considering having kids; know and love yourself. Same advice for those of you who are considering marriage. Man, this is definitely key! There will be things that you say you would never do if you were married or have kids, but then once this becomes your world, you may just find that those very things you swore you would never do.... become your reality.

The end of last year, I started down a very slippery and dangerous world. I cheated emotionally and physically on my husband and I loved every minute of it. You see, every time before was always emotionally, and every time my husband would find out after about a week or so. He would get mad and we would fight, we would say things that at the time we meant strictly because we were mad, and we wanted each other to hurt. But not because we really meant them. This time was different. All those other times, a little bit of me wanted him to find the messages. Wanted him to see that someone else could and would treat me better than him. That someone else would cater to my neediness and they would treat me the way that I felt I wanted to be treated. I wanted him to get mad and fight for me. The best part was always (ALWAYS) the making up afterwards. Our sex life was another area in our marriage that had gone downhill but we will discuss that later (LOL).

Yet this time, I deleted every message and every call. I started spending a lot of time with this guy—let's see, we will call him Shawn. Shawn and I met on Instagram, I was reading through the comments on a video and I saw his picture and I was like, "Yeah, I have got to send him a follow request." So, I did, and a few minutes later he accepted and sent me a message asking if we knew each other. I remember responding that we did not know each other but I would not mind getting to know him.

I hesitated when he asked me to tell him about myself. I was not sure on what I should tell him, because I was not an interesting person at all. Here I was, a stay-at-home mom and I had no friends or any kind of social life outside of my kids and my husband. I didn’t even know myself anymore. So, I just told him that I had four kids. He was intrigued. It didn’t scare him off, and he asked for more. So, I told him that I was married. I will never forget his next message, “Well, damn you have a whole family! That's cool, though!” From there, we texted nonstop for a few weeks. But things changed when he invited me to a sex party that his friend was throwing.

(To be continued)

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