My Husband Listens To My Tone, and I Listen to His Words

Communication can break down in many ways between two people, as my husband and I have experienced. Even if you speak the same language, you have to make sure you're both speaking the same words and sharing the same meanings. For some couples, having different upbringings can make talking about certain topics difficult.

Do you listen better when someone is speaking in a certain tone? Certain pitch? Certain speed? With certain body language?

What about your partner? How does your partner like to communicate?

Same but different.

My husband and I have a very similar upbringing so culturally we aren't too different. We were both born and raised in Vancouver and our parents are immigrants from Hong Kong.

We don't have a language barrier. I can vent to him about my challenges growing up and how it's shaped me as a person and he can empathize with me.

We create Chinglish words to express ideas and topics that can't be explained in either English or Chinese. So we have that going for us.

However, we are still 2 very different people.

He's is an extroverted talker who's sensitive to the way words are said.

He likes to think out loud. He's an extrovert. He sometimes says things without a filter. He often likes to process information externally and will interrupt me mid-sentence to confirm his thoughts by asking questions or filling in what he thinks I am going to say.

His mind races and jumps around from thought to thought…A to C to F back to B. He's not a big context guy so I sometimes can't follow when he shares a story.

As a listener, he's not focused on my words. He's sensitive to the delivery of them. He is driven by his physical senses. The pitch and tone of my voice and my body language really affect how he responds to me so I try my best to communicate in a calm manner.

I'm an introverted listener who takes words to her heart.

I'm not as much of a talker as he is. I am often conversing with my own thoughts. If you don't know already, I'm an introvert. I am more about the words. I am a technical listener and I take words to my heart, whether you are yelling them at me across the room or whispering them to me on the couch.

In fights, I like to quote his words against mine because I remember what he says. I speak with a naturally condescending tone when I'm upset. I think logically and I speak with a process. I like to provide context and I don't like to make assumptions about what other people may already know. I can be painstakingly detailed when painting the picture which makes me a natural storyteller.

A recent 'fight'

We've been wanting to renovate our basement for the past year. It's been an ordeal, and my husband has taken the lead in planning the entire project.

Anyway, it's the day before the contractor comes in and my husband has spent days cleaning and prepping the basement. He asks me to come and look at it. We take a brief tour and I say (in an over-the-top enthusiastic tone) to him,

"Wow, what an exciting project for you. You're gonna have so much fun doing this."

He looks at me and says,

"Uh…it's been a headache planning this the past year. I'm doing this for us and it's not my project. It hasn't been fun. It's not going to be fun. It's not like you were going to do anything about our basement. I know you don't care about it but don't say it like that."

So I stop and think. I think about the words I wanted to say at the moment. My first instinct was to react immediately to his words, to delve into the flaws of his character, making assumptions about what he said:

"What do you mean I don't care? While you were planning this project, I was also busy doing things for the house. You wouldn't have let me do this anyway because you're so particular about everything….blah blah blah."

But I don't.

Instead, I take a minute to process how he expressed himself, what his intention was and what he expected from me as a reaction when he wanted me to look at the basement the day before the renovations started. I think about how I reacted. And so I respond calmly,

"Yeah, you're right. I appreciate you for doing this for us. The kids are going to have a pretty cool basement to play in. It looks like it's going to be a lot of work but you've done so much already and it's going to be great."

Understanding this difference has made all the difference in our marriage.

I have my way of communicating and how I like to be communicated to. And he has his way of communicating and how he likes to be communicated to. We make an effort every day to communicate effectively with one another.

He has learned to interrupt me less when I'm sharing a story and I've learned to be more patient with him when he does.

I've learned to ask questions in a curious tone when he hasn't provided me with the context and he's learned to cue himself to think about the words he is using.

We both prefer to talk to each other than text. We do text during the workday when we are apart but once we are at home, we try to have a conversation with eye contact. Well…as much as we can without having the kids starting a fire.

The bottom line is that just because you've known someone for so long, never assume they can read your mind.