My Husband Is Not Happy With Me Anymore (My Husband Says I Make Him Miserable)

I have had a couple of friends going through really hard times in their relationships, right now. A couple in positions that just can't be fixed. Terminal as it were. But...there are others who are bickering with each other, ignoring the others needs, and just basically finding any reason to be cranky with each other. The sad thing is, when I ask them point-blank when they last went on a date with their spouse...I get a blank stare or "What the hell? We do stuff together all the time!" At which point I want to bang my head into a convenient brick wall. When I try to get through to them the difference between "doing stuff" and "dating"...more blank stares. Seriously, if this is how the majority of relationships are handled (and, I have to admit many of mine were in the past) then it's no wonder that so few actually survive any length of time.

Between lack of communication and lack of dating - well, how is a relationship supposed to thrive? You need the communication - lots and lots of people already know this and they focus on it. Even to the point of having a mantra that says "communicate, communicate, communicate". And, communication is all well and good. It's certainly a key ingredient in a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Trust, honesty, communication...love...all necessities. Absolutely. I don't disagree in the least. But, in addition to that, you have to feed the spark that makes that relationship thrive. I think at one point I listed trust as the cornerstone, communication the foundation and love the actual building itself. Yet, that is just the framework...what makes it home? What makes it a place you desire to come back to time and again? A place that fills you with joy and peace and happiness? What makes you "in love" with it? You have to take time to make it home.

I keep hearing "well, the kids come first". You know, that's so sad. Oh, dear Lord, I can hear the squealing all the way over here. Seriously, stop for a moment. Calm down and let's get rational. I grew up knowing I was not THE most important thing in my parents lives. My mother was the most important thing to my father - and, vice versa. Let me tell you something, there is no more wonderful thing for a child to know than that their parents are crazy in love with each other. Oh, Julia and I were right on Mom's coattails - it's not like we were way down the list or that we didn't matter. I don't think Julia ever felt less because she knew Mom came first. I know I never did. As a matter of fact, the solidarity of my parents, the love they shared, the passion for each other, the romance they worked so hard to keep alive...all of that was a recipe for a family unit of which I think the world could use many more.

Oh, I'm a horrible failure at relationships. I freely acknowledge I've chosen some real winners...and, the few who actually were good guys - well, I managed to screw those up all on my own quite handily. Yet, with every screw up. With every knock down and set back...I learned. I grew. I dusted myself off, notated my mistake, and figured out how to avoid the same one in the future. I can honestly say that I've never had the same mistake twice. That's a good thing. It's also helped me to be able to understand where people are coming from in ways I never would have been able to if I had stepped right into a solid relationship like my sister has. Don't get me wrong - I envy my sister sometimes. Marrying her high school sweetheart, having a great marriage (which has taken a lot of hard work on their part) and not having to go through the pain and weariness that I have experienced. At the same time, I can't say I'd do anything different because it's brought me to where I am - and, where I am allows me to be there for my friends and others in a way I could not have been able to do otherwise.

What's that have to do with anything? Well, I'm not writing this as an expert on what works. I'm writing it as an expert on what doesn't work - and, an observer on what does. My parents were seriously on to something when they told me and my sister to never, ever stop dating. These are parents who understood that one of the most precious gifts we can give our children is a home where the parents love, admire, respect and are passionately in love with each other - where their spouse comes first because it is the healthiest thing for the family...and, they love their children enough to know that a secure home, a loving home, a home in one accord is the most nurturing thing a parental unit can provide. Regardless of income, regardless of the clothes they wear, regardless of the gadgets and anything else...to have a solid, firm foundation to run to - a core that is solid and united...it's a priceless gift that I wish we could all give to our children.

I am blessed enough that my son is a beautiful soul and he and I have a great love for each other. He's the most precious thing in my life - the best thing I've ever done with my life...and, he knows I feel that way. We have had some tough times because of poor decisions on my part, and miscommunication between us. But, over the years, we have found a way to overcome. My sister, on the other hand, has been a beacon of hope to me that parents and families do stand a chance of giving that wonderful gift to their kids.

My friends that I've been talking to lately...well, I hope they realize soon, what they are taking away from not only themselves, but their children. If they continue to focus on their children at the expense of their spouses (and they are good relationships, and good people)...their relationships are going to die...and one of the things those children count on and rely on and are so drawn to (not all are actually their children, but some neighborhood kids that need a loving place to come)...that precious core that draws those children to it like bees to honey is going to disintegrate. And everyone will be the poorer for it.

I'm not saying that they should be putting each other in a place that neglects the children or their needs. I hope those reading this see that what I am saying is that you have to foster a healthy relationship with your husband if you want your children to have a healthy home. For those of us who are bringing in a spouse after the children are here - it's a much slower process. But, once that person is the partner you choose to share your life with...they need to be number one on your list (within reason - we aren't talking extremes here). They need to be someone you form a solid, supportive core around which the rest of the world exists. A core that draws people to you and makes them say, "Dude, I want some of that."

I would set my parents out as an example of a heck of a lot of hard work and effort at perfecting that line to walk of putting your husband first and yet never neglecting your kids or making them feel anything less than the precious gift they are. My folks would say that a lot of it is due to God's grace as well - but, I know it couldn't have been done without a heck of a lot of effort on their part. They don't just "do stuff" together - though they do. They take the time to "date". They take the time to remind each other how precious and wonderful and blessed they feel to be a part of each others' lives.

I wish each and every one of my friends the joy of that. The peace that comes to their children when the kids see their parents with the person they love and are in love with - and, can almost physically feel the love and admiration their parents feel for each other just by being around them. The joy and happiness that comes when they find a spouse who is willing to work hard to keep that little building with the cornerstone of trust and the foundation of communication - that home that love built - shining bright and warm with the passion and romance of a lifetime...no matter what storms may rage in the world outside.

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