My Gut Pt. 1

October 11, 2016

I read this quote, well maybe it was more than a quote, I will just call it a thing. I read this thing on Facebook about loving someone and knowing whether or not they are the right person. It pretty much said there is no right person, there is no right time, there is just picking a person and loving them. It sounds simple, but it is not. Well, apparently the picking the person is simple. Falling in love is simple. For everyone else that is. For me, I can’t even get past the easy part to get to the real struggle. The scary part that causes divorce rates to go up, heartbreaks to occur, and bent people to break. I can’t seem to get to the hard part because I am stuck at the part that comes easily to everyone else. Everyone. People so opposed to the easy part, the falling part, they doubted the existence of love. People who construct relationship roles that require little to no commitment, communication, or even opportunity to fall in love. Those people, those people have fallen and I can’t even get close enough to the cliff to be in fear of being pushed.

You pick the person, or maybe you don’t, maybe the person picks you but you fall for them. It is an involuntary action and that is what makes it simple, it is just something that just happens to you. You don’t have to do anything, but then after that happens, after the honeymoon, you get to the real part. The part where despite the feeling of your insides trying to crawl out of your chest, and the racing pulse antics, you start to fall apart. The all enthralling love dwindles and fades like a setting sun and you are frantically trying to light candles to keep the brightness alive. That is the hard part, but apparently that is the part where you are supposed to choose. The moment you are supposed to make the conscious decision to be a part of the love and not just fall into it, to try. Apparently, if you don’t make that choice in relationships, all of them will fail. Now, this isn’t some sound advice from a relationship book, or therapist, it is just some shit on Facebook.

What got to me about it though, is the fact that the part that is considered easy, the falling part I can’t get to. I know it is me, it is not one of those you haven’t found the right guy things, it is totally all my own fucked up mess. I want to be in love so bad. I want to have someone love me and be just mine, only mine, forever. I want that all enthralling, burning bright, hard work love. I want it so bad, but I can’t seem to get to it. I date, I date all the time. I have gone on so many dates I don’t even remember some. I go on them, and then my gut screams out to me this is not the one, RUN AWAY! And for the longest time I thought it was right, I thought it was smart to listen to it.

But it is screaming at me and there is this perfectly amazing guy standing in front of me saying all the things I want to hear, being almost all of the things I wanted, and definitely everything I need. He wants me and he isn’t afraid to shout it from the rooftop. I am comfortable with him, he is intelligent, kind, sarcastic, funny, understanding, supportive, talented, sweet but not even in an obnoxious way, in a genuine way. He has that little bit of asshole mixed in that will always make things interesting, and I can talk to him. I can talk to him, when I can’t talk to most people in this world, most of the ones in my life. I can talk to him and he doesn’t run when I do. When my words reveal the caverns and pitfalls of my personality, he falls into them and gets right back up. He is everything, he is perfect, and my gut keeps yelling at me.

I know, I should probably listen, I have probably been right this entire time. But the thing is, my gut didn’t yell the one time it should have. My instinct let me fall for someone who was too busy holding on to someone else to even try and catch me. It lied to me, it told me he would be okay and he wasn’t, and now I am ruined. Not forever and not with everything but with the falling, and with the gut. I mean, I know earlier I said I was nowhere near the cliff, and for a while with this guy I thought I went over, but I kind of jumped in the air in slow motion and tricked myself.

That was scary enough that I backed away completely. My gut told me he was okay to approach the fall for, and my commitment issues stopped me from really doing it. Which I don’t know if I should be happy for, but the point is really that my gut hates this guy, and liked that one. And I don’t know if I should trust it, because I want that love and when I did, when I listened to it last time I got so very close to heartbreak, to death and ultimate doom. I am dramatic I know, but I have had so many things I wanted to go right the first time go so terribly wrong, my first kiss, my first time, my first relationship. I would just…. No, I just need the first love, the first leap, to go somewhat right. But I can’t get close enough to anyone without my gut screaming, anyone but this one guy who still holds enough of my hand that he can yank me off of the cliff before I am ready.