Love. It's a funny thing now that I think about it. It always makes you want to listen to your heart instead of your head, which is never a good idea really. Your heart is almost always going to tell you what you want, but your head will tell you what is sensible. I know that what I just said is something that every young girl will hear at some point in their life. Trust me though, I have learned from experience.
When I first met my first boyfriend, it was through a church group funny enough. In fact, our group was going to an extremely well known event that takes place every year in our area. This was pretty much the first time that I had ever really had any contact with him. I had always known that he came to the church every once in a while, but I never took much interest considering I didn't see him that often. Things changed though, we had a mutual friend at this event, and he introduced us. Funny enough, it was like we had known each other forever. A few months had past and we were practically best friends. Oddly enough, he was my first guy best friend and my first boyfriend.
Every girl has their first boyfriend, and every girl is a little dumb when it comes to this relationship. Especially if the boy has already been in previous relationship. At the age that we were at the time we were both pretty young, middle school age. Of course, most kids don't really date at this age, the only part of it that is considered a relationship is the title of "boyfriend and girlfriend." However, this "relationship" did not give me a great first experience with relationships. Being best friends to start with gave me the hope that I wouldn't get hurt, but I was wrong.
Within the first couple of weeks everything was going great, he treated me like a little princess. However, not a lot of time had passed by before I didn't trust him and my heart began to break for the first time.
One day I got a DM from a girl that I knew went to school with him and some sort of previous relationship with. At first I didn't believe what she had told me he had done, but she had proof, she showed me the pictures, multiple actually. So I couldn't deny it. No matter how much I wanted to. Of course, because he was my best friend I just thought he would never do such a thing to me. I was wrong though. Of course, still being somewhat smart about relationships I talked to him about it, and we ended up breaking up. Of course, at first he denied it all, until I proved to him that she had proof of what he did. Then, next thing I knew, another girl came to me. With new information... and new pictures. Next thing I knew I was in a field by the church arguing with him. It was only when I started to break down and cry that he admitted what he did. It wasn't but a week after that he was trying to do everything that he could to get me back. Sadly, I turned right back around and took him back a month later. Like I said, at that age you're dumb when it comes to relationships. This time around it was different, but not much better.
This time around it started off really well. He was doing everything that he could in order to rebuild my trust with him. I didn't want to be one of those girlfriends that had his passwords and always checking his phone. Even though he was openly going to let me. I didn't though. However, after about a month, it was time for homecoming. I waited weeks upon weeks for him to ask me. Nothing. Then one day he mentioned it, but not in the way that I thought. He asked if he could bring another girl to homecoming. Now, for anyone reading this what's going through your mind? NO! Right? That's exactly what I said too. Sure enough, this caused a huge fight. It lasted for weeks upon weeks. I still never went to homecoming with him, and he said he went with a group of friends. At this point I didn't believe that though, because who would after everything he's done already. Soon enough it was over again. For good this time. I was heart broken. I never knew why though. Why he did everything that he did.
I mean at that age, and with your first relationship, you never understand. Especially when your first relationship is with someone who you fully believed was your best friend and would never hurt you in that way. You always wonder how do you do that to your best friend? How do you do that to someone who trusted you? How do you do that to someone that already forgave you? How do you do that to someone who put their heart back in your hands even after you already shattered it?
I never got closure. I never knew the truth. I never even knew if I was his best friend like he said. I never even knew if he truly wanted to be with me. To this day we are still good friends. I forgave him, and found peace with not having answers. Yes, sometimes I still wish I could have answers. But it is what it is, and sometimes what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.