My Drug

We met online. I know, how cliche. We were the typical "met online and fell in love" story. Most people don't believe the "fell in love" part, but it doesn't matter if you believe it or not. I fell in love with him and that's that. I lived in California while he lived in Texas. We met on a social media app and couldn't get enough of each other.

My parents were the semi old school type. They did not like the friends I made online but they did not grow up in a generation where the internet has been shoved into our faces and lives ever since we were little, it has become all we know and what we are accustomed to. This only added to what attracted me to him, the "forbidden love" layer. The layer that we all secretly crave and love. The fact that you are not allowed to have them, gave you that adrenaline every time you did.

We had become as inseparable as two could be over the internet. The constant 24/7 texting, the Facetime sessions, the all nighters, the every single night we fell asleep on call with each other, the thousands of screenshots of you that I had in my phone. I had fallen in love with him in a matter of no time. Everything about him was all I had ever dreamed of since I was a little girl sitting in her room thinking about my future husband. We had been going at this for a while and then things got complicated on my end. I had to say goodbye to you... During our last conversation we said we’d "remain friends" but come on... we all know that was bullshit.

Fast forward 5 months to the present. I have had no contact with you what so ever during this time. I re-downloaded the app that we met on, not with the intentions to recontact you, just because I wanted to see if I could handle it and if I could have the app without the temptation of texting you. In fact I did not even tell you that I was back on the app, I made my presence invisible. I did not post on anywhere that you could see, I made my location go away. I was hiding from you in a way because I was scared of what would happen. I did not know how you felt about me, if you despised me because I left so suddenly, if you were mad at me for doing it. I had no idea and it scared me so I didn’t do anything about it.

I was on a drug, I quit, I went through withdrawal. And now it is like I am back on the drug. I had built walls in my mind around any thoughts of you, so I would have no chance of getting hurt.. Yet with 2 simple words, you made the walls come crumbling down and everything come back.

People tell me "just block him "he isn't good for you" "he's just a temptation". No one had any idea how hard it is, how badly I want to block you, how much I KNOW you aren't good for me. How many times I’ve been looking at the “block” button but cannot bring myself to click it. I know you are not good for me but I know that if I don’t have some sort of connection with you then I’d be worse. You are simultaneously the best and worst thing that has happened to me. I sound like such an exaggerator but, you are my drug.