My break up with Issa Rae

About a year ago I ended my 5 year long relationship with a man I loved. We tried every solution in the books but to no avail. I watched the toxicity grow, the stagnation intensify and the opportunities we both had flee away from us and so resorted to plan Z, breaking up. I still remember my first night alone, sitting on the edge of my bed trying to remember how to function without another human by my side. Suddenly the world felt so overwhelmingly big and I had no idea how I’d ever make it outside the safety of my four walls again. Being broken up with is hard but I soon learnt that breaking up with someone can be just as hard. I dealt with feelings of self doubt, regret and felt I couldn’t relate to anybody around me anymore.

In the first few weeks I felt like I was on a rigorous treasure hunt, searching desperately for the parts of myself I had left behind when I was in the relationship. This included not only nuggets of gold like my interests, hobbies and friends but also demons like my fears, traumas and unresolved personal issues. It didn’t help that the city I lived in just entered stage 4 lock down, so it was just me, myself and I. I wanted to honor my decision for the happiness of both me and my ex but was beginning to feel like I couldn’t stick to it alone any longer, that’s when Issa Rae came into my life.

It was another long lonely night at the heart break hotel (my bedroom), I was in bed wearing the same t-shirt as yesterday with bags of crisps around me when YouTube recommended I watched Issa Rae’s Awkward Black Girl. I binge watched the entire first season in one night and laughed for the first time in weeks. Watching Awkward Black Girl became a part of my ‘me time’ through the break up and helped remind me of the things that once brought me joy. I felt so inspired by Issa and how she had used her own life to create such a relatable and honest piece of work. I reminisced on all the creative ideas I once had and felt a little spark of hope for all I could create one day.

Once I'd finished Awkward Black Girl (which took about 3 nights) I found out that Issa had created another show, this time with HBO. I was awestruck, up until then Issa Rae was a phenomenal YouTube content creator in my world and now she was a TV screenwriter and producer! Again I felt a surge of inspiration pulse through my body as Issa’s evolution unfolded in front of my eyes. I thought about all the obstacles she would have faced and the determination she would've had to get to where she had gotten. The next night I chose to grow alongside Issa and my bag of chips were replaced with a plate of sliced apples, herbal tea, a notebook and pen.

My new found high was short lived after watching the first episode of Insecure, it triggered me so deeply that I felt betrayed by my new break up buddy Issa Rae. She’d cheered me up with with Awkward Black Girl only to rip my heart out and destroy me with Insecure. Watching the first episode was like watching the past year of my own life. I so desperately needed to know things worked out in the end that I read the summary of all the seasons that were out, just to sleep easy that night (something I usually shun). I steered clear of Insecure for a week, feeling unsatisfied having missing pieces of the story. That one episode left me with so much to think about that I spent that whole week debriefing and telling everyone about how Issa Rae had rocked my world.

A week later, there I was signing up for a free weeks trial on HBO.com to finish what I had started. I watched back to back episodes and cried like I never had before. I yelled at the screen, conversed with the characters and filled out my journals with epiphanies and breakthroughs. Although Insecure brought my emotions to boiling point I was left feeling less isolated and alone in what I was going through. Insecure showed me a really raw representation of how many others may have navigated through what I was going through and I didn’t feel so ashamed for feeling the way I did.

By the end of season one I was back out in the world, there were moments I’d feel shaky and ask myself “what would Issa do?”. She was my new arch-type and I channeled her often as I moved forward and out of the rut of my breakup. By season two Issa was not only inspiring me to build a solid life around me beyond the remnants of my past relationship but also reignited my passion for making music. Having such a familiar story painted for me on Insecure gave me the zoomed out perspective I needed to get out of my own way. I kept thinking to myself that if Issa hadn’t believed in her ideas, her dreams and her vision, her art wouldn’t have been able to be there for me through my breakup. That was the driving force in reigniting the momentum of my music career “what if my songs need to be there for people? what if I’m being selfish by not sharing my art?”.

By season 4 of Insecure I was my own woman, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I had my own life back, friends, income and dreams, I finally felt separate from my ex. I began reaching out to my friends again and saying yes to plans I had been saying no to for months. I invested in new clothes, some makeup, jewelry, music equipment and began remembering who exactly I felt best being. The last episode of Insecure felt like my graduation, I reflected on who I was when I began the show and how much she’d changed in such a short period of time. I lit some candles, snuggled up with my new favorite tea and watched diligently like my life depended on it. Again, Issa ripped my heart out, but this time it was different. I could handle it, I was ready for it, I was notably stronger, just like the main character.

As the credits played I sat in a mixed state of contentment, grief and inspiration. Although I had made massive progress on my journey in the past few weeks I still mourned for my relationship. While I mourned I also empathized with Issa at how strong she was to share parts of her own life with us and how creative she was to do so in such a magnificent way. I also reflected on the adversities she would’ve faced in the industry, not only as a woman but a woman of color. I remember noticing quite young how various talent directors would place me at the back or on the side because of my darker skin because I was the awkward brown girl. Pushing past the subconscious affects that discrimination can have (especially on a young child) to create the kind of success Issa Rae has, is nothing short of brilliant. So thank you Issa Rae, for being there for me through my first big break up, for reminding me what I’m capable of, for nudging me to pick up my mic and give my passion another go. I patiently await the final season of Insecure, I’m so excited for who I’ll be when it comes out.