Mother's Book of LuvUs

Mother’s Book of Love

Sitting in front of the Estate Lawyer of Glenn Harris, I wondered what could possibly of much value. My sister and I lived together sharing a small kitchenette, one bedroom apartment, but now as we sat in front of this attorney we seemed further apart.

The tiny space seemed to cramp the oxygen and all that was left was fuming angry hot breath between us. She was giving me the silent treatment because my shower used all the hot water. She doesn’t realize that my job at the 54th Library has equipped me with the ability to go long hours without speaking.

The man walked in with a filing box. His brown skin was clothed in navy from neck to toe. He sat down and introduced himself and began to read my mother’s request aloud.

“ I have two daughters, two queens and they now have two choices- a large sum of money or my little black book.”

My sister jumped out of her seat “Money how much money?! You know we need the money Calli come on.”

The attorney handed the check to Penni and the black book to me.

Penni’s eyes widened as she stared at the amount she mouthed, “Twenty thousand dollars.”

“The check is written to the both of you. Calliope must finish your mother’s book and then you exchange.”

As we rode in the cab home, Penelope couldn’t wait to get to the bank.

“The first thing I’m getting is a home, for you and me, Calli. But an actual house probably comes with a lot more maintenance…. Luxury apartment. How about that?”

“Yes definitely,” I smiled and sighed, “I just want a fresh bath.”

I daydreamed about my first relaxing bath in my beautiful brand new bath tub. My cramping aching muscles were in desperate need of Epsom Salt. Our current kitchenette one bedroom apartment only had a shower stall- a grimy, calcium, rusted, linoleum stained shower stall. Yuck- no matter how I scrubbed and doused that shower tile in bleach there was grey mucky streaked sealant that flaked and turned brown. As simple as it was- I was dreaming of a bubble bath.

I rested my head back in the taxi cab- just a little. I didn’t realize I dozed off.

“Here! Miss We are here! Hello,” the cab driver announced.

I awoke out of my impromptu nap, to see that I’d arrived at our apartment door. My sister was gone.

“She paid your fee and said to go home and rest,” He notified me. I slowly stretched and stepped out of the cab, handing the driver a tip as I closed the door. I rubbed my sore back and walked into our small humble apartment. In our bedroom, we had two small twin beds. I flopped on my bed, and took the book out of the bag to flip through the pages. The plain black journal was gilded with black edges and black siding. It wasn’t old so I know that this journal project must’ve been recent. As I flipped the pages I saw numbers, 1 to 10. I sat up in the corner of the room and began to read the first page of the journal.

“You don’t know that I love you. Not how much-but you don’t know that I love you at all. This is intentional and it is incorrect. I’ve known that I was dying for a long time. Long before you came into my life, I made the decision not to love.

It was a precise deliberate decision. This was a decision born from my first heartbreak or lack there of. One day I do hope that you girls choose to find your birth mothers. I hope then that maybe they can renew your faith in love because I just do not have any. I will pass on with that belief and I am pleased with it.

I suppose maybe I have some explaining to do. Maybe I should explain why your Mama did not have one consistent husband? Perhaps I should explain why the men in my life knew when to come and go? Should I be telling you what it was, how are relationships happened and how they worked? I will address that later, for now if you have questions, you may ask your Uncle Dolla. What I need to give to you now, are my guidelines of love. These are suggestions that I hope you think of as you date and bond along in this world without me.At the end, the choices are always yours, but I want you to have access to more.”

I closed the book and laid asleep for a few more hours. I would have to return to work and school the next day. Just then, my sister burst through the door. She skipped over to my bed.

“It’s real Calli its real! The money is real. I feel like I discovered a hidden treasure chest,” she exclaimed as she hugged me tightly.

“You didn’t spend it all did you…..Pirate Penni?,” I asked worriedly.

“No. I did buy dinner.”

We ate our wonderful dinner on a tablecloth spread on the floor. We sat on pillows and dined with the brand new beautiful plates and cups.

“What’s that bag Penelope?,” I questioned pointing at huge bag in the corner.

“Shoes,” She smiled.

“Please do not spend all our money on shoes,” I pleaded.

“Shoes are how people judge you. Rough working shoes or high class high heels.”

I rolled my eyes. I never liked that thought but I always felt judged.

We were adopted by our foster mother, Glenn at the age of eight. She was sick for years but with her healthy diet and regimen it didn’t show until the very end. Breast Cancer got her in thirties. My sister and I are very different in looks. Glenn always said she had one mission that was to teach us our beauty and our strength. She adopted us together and named us new names, I was Calliope and my sister was Penelope. Her Calli and Penny. Penny’s name was inspired by mother’s best friend, Uncle Dolla. Uncle didn’t look like a stereotypical gay man. He didn’t tell us much about his relationships. I just know that he loved Jesse Williams. When my mother was feeling particularly ill, she’d drink a hot cup of tea, wrapped in her pink blanket and watch Grey’s Anatomy. Uncle Dolla would visit bring snacks and help with her medications. They’d be laughing and the whole time talking about that “fine ass pretty boy Jackson.”

I tossed and turned in my sleep that night, thinking of my mother’s book. I wanted to rush and read as many pages as I could just so that I could have my turn with the money before my sister spent it all. I pulled her book from under my pillow and tiptoed into the living area. The top of the page had scratched out words and written above the crossed out words was this:

Rule No.1 DO NOT LOVE

“Well that’s pretty drastic Ma,” I mumbled. Below written in the lines was what appeared to be the original number one.

1) You are Beauty. Not just simply full of beauty as in beautiful but you are beauty. The concept of beauty is born from the essence of womanhood. We get distracted by the messages thrown at us in this world but as women we are the root of beauty in every sense. You and your sister are breathtakingly beautiful especially. I remember the day that I saw you two girls in the play area at the agency. Everything about Penelope from head to toe was FRAGILE, her skin, her hair, her eyes, her figure. She was the epitome of delicate china and it brought sweetness to her actual sharp stubborn bossy nature. Calliope had this glorious glow of all that is natural and full in the earth. She had an irresistible flow and regal charm, unbelievably blended and toned with luxurious glory of womanhood. The pair of you were stunning. When I looked at you I saw what all women could be, all the possibility. Its fitting then, that I have to leave you as you embark on your first years of adulthood. So I must leave with advice that you need to know. I fell short when I submitted to my own weakness and my own desperation- my need for affection. I brought you girls home with me to wrap you under my wing but all I thought of was my own lifeline, my ticking time bomb. I am sorry. Forgive me I managed to only keep the best of me in this book.

I couldn’t help crying at that moment. This was not the best of my mother. My muffled cries wet my pillow and all I wanted was to feel her tough her hug one more time.

I wiped my eyes and continued to read.

2) Don’t Waste Your Intimacy on Promiscuity- I would say do not have sex, wait to have sex…. But I know my girls. I want you to love yourself and as my favorite Foxy Brown quote goes ‘Love myself and no one above thee, cause aint nobody gon love me like me’. As a woman you have to understand your power, and there is no way you could know all of your power without intimately understanding your inner works. So my rule number 3 is Do Not Have Sex because boys and girls barely know their whole bodes fully. I would say- fuck yourself, until there is nothing anyone could tell you about your own body, then you’ll truly be ready to have sex with a partner. When you wait, hold out just a little longer and prioritize your own personal self-pleasure, you will feel more confident about your body, and appreciate your body. Wait until you are certain that your own body is fully grown before you bring a partner into your intimacy. YOUR INTIMACY because it is yours- no one else’s. Trust me no one knows what will bring you pleasure but you- So STUDY YOURSELF completely.

It is awkward to read your mother’s thoughts on sex, but it actually made me feel better.

3) Everybody has their own brain, body, and experiences. So every single person on this earth, thinks differently. No one has the same thoughts or experience. There is more than one view to perceive.

4) Men and Women have different motives and purposes, not defined by their gender but just by purpose of their Neanderthal bodies. Uncle Dolla does not like when I use that word, but women can be Neanderthals too, driven by primal instincts.

Imagine that every time you were aroused, excited, attracted to anyone or anything your personal private body part poked out and stuck out of your pants like an arrow that alerted everyone you liked something and you couldn’t get it to go down. How painful and embarrassing that must be.

Maybe that’s even traumatizing and men compensate for that adolescent awakening by overexerting themselves.

In general this is why my mother always said “Men have two heads”

Women may only have the head on their shoulders but women do have an extra extension on their chromosome. You’ll hear people say that women are more attentive and detailed. Both genders have strengths and contributions but we don’t accept each other well. I guess we are all too insecure and unbalanced to appreciate each impact. People say men lie a lot because they think with their other head, but women lie better because they pay more attention. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. Our insanity is our brilliance. So whether you or your sister choose a man or a woman, you still cant trust them.

I laughed so loud at that one I almost woke my sister.

5) Mental Shortcuts are real and there is nothing we can do to change that- Adapt. Either fall in line or fight for life. We all eventually make assumptions .It’s sad that we sometimes do this in one second. I think it’s just human nature, a matter of survival instinct. Now a days we are told what to expect and fear so much in the news, entertainment and advertisements. When given the second chance, in that split second be willing to see. In that second second be willing to see more not assume.

6) Men are direct, basic, simple. Most men automatically have this default auto pilot setting of straight precise moves. It is an effective yet narrow view. And just like us- its built off television, music, and movies. I know Calli loves to dress comfortably but some men do the math that your comfort means no interest and no effort. We have been trained that women do all this extra trimming for love, so when its not seen- some can assume that adds up to a disinterest. On the opposite end of the spectrum don’t show too much, don’t give too much, showing men too much adds up to an easy entry, a guard down, a revealing for their picking. I know its not fair. Calliope will get the worst of this. Its rough because you two can wear the same shirt, but when Calli’s breast protrude its taken differently and assumptions are made about her character. Be aware of these things as you live your life. It’s a gift and a curse as Mr.Monk says.

This reminds me of the shoe conversation with my sister. I crawled over to the huge bags of shoes and peeked inside. Many,many heels were in there, and I saw a few I wouldn’t mind wearing and I wondered if Penelope was right.

7) Group date. I want you to go out and date multiple times with multiple people. I want you to find people who enjoy what you enjoy. Go in groups. Don’t be so shy or reserved but don’t feel pressure. Every date as a practice, it may work it may not. People are always going to compete but Fuck that. Be yourself, be unique and you will stand out to the right person. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else, that’s a distraction.

8) Religion. I have raised you girls to be faithful and spiritual. We pray but we don’t use prescribed words. I want you girls to find what suits your future and give it a serious thought about what you need and want in life. No matter what path you find do not abandon each other. Do not shun religion and do not deny a higher power. We all came from a loving higher force.

9) There are millions of fish in the sea but no one fish has everything you want. Find what is most important to you and stick to those values. You may get distracted by charms, looks, and clever words. When they do not have the same values that you value and don’t show the values that you want, its not going to work. Make the lists that all the experts talk about. Think about what is most important for you.

10) Take care of you because no matter what happens in love you need to always be able to get back to your best self. You best physically, emotionally and mentally. When you lose that, it effects how you see yourself and how you treat others.

Rule No. 1) DO NOT LOVE –live. You grew up in fantasies, with romantic stories for children- in retrospect might not have been appropriate but they did have good morals. Tales of dreamed up Utopian worlds with perfectly balanced scales of justice, that’s not real. You grew up learning that these were displays of love, so don’t do what those fairytale characters did- don’t love. Instead, I want you to LIVE. Live and you will find love. Do not love-live.