Men, Women and Love

Love has been institutionalized for centuries. Men and women have been inducted into marriage by arrangement for generations. Many marriages have been lived “love-less” for years… This is evidence by the divorce rates steadily increasing over the decades. What part of the “institution of love,” so to speak, does love actually play?

It seems like everyone wants to talk about love these days. Love has become so romanticized as this life-changing, one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime, experience… But, if it’s such an ideal and so life-changing, why is it so hard to come by, or, so easy to let go of? With this statement alone, I can suggest that not many people actually want their lives to change. They may dream of this one and done love of a lifetime, but what does love really mean to you?

I’m not in the habit of speaking for men since I have no experience what it feels like to think like a man (sorry Steve Harvey) but I can only go by observation at this point. To put it frankly, men in my city are much more afraid of catching feelings than bullets. I made that joke with someone I was seeing earlier this year. Men and woman are hardly ever on the same page when it comes to the topic of love or how to feel and experience it. Maybe we (either gender) really do just experience love differently.

Love shows up as protection to some people, as security to others… Comfort, companionship, great conversation, creative intimacy and overall, connection. Those five CCCCC’s mean a lot to me these days and stand as a foundation to just about every friendship and relationship in my life presently. I’m not sure if men in their 30’s (early 30’s) care about these CCCCC’s. Maybe some men care about conversation and connection. I have a couple buddies who are sapiosexual and demisexual, so they need great conversationalists and deep connection in order to feel some level of love, or, sustainable interest in pursuing the woman.

I listened in on a clubhouse room last week that reminded me of the chemicals involved in feeling love. I’m no bioscientist but they are oxytocin, dopamine & serotonin. Getting adequate rest, eating good nutrition and on time, getting enough exercise and engaging in mindset practices can keep our chemical receptors leveled… Love can feel like an addiction. Love can affect our central nervous system, we can switch into fight or flight mode if we anticipate feeling hurt or rejection and it can cause us to say and do things we normally wouldn’t. The feeling of love can ignite fears, insecurities and past traumas. Attachment styles can attract or reject love. There are so many factors that it is impossible to reduce love to infactuation.

Excerpt from the above article: What part of the brain controls love? It may sound strange, but the beginnings of romantic love are associated with the stress response triggered by your hypothalamus. It makes more sense when you think about the nervous excitement or anxiety you feel while falling for someone. As these feelings grow, the hypothalamus triggers release of other hormones, such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin.

Dopamine is associated with your body’s reward system. This helps make love a desirable feeling.

A small 2005 study showed participants a picture of someone they were romantically in love with. Then, they showed them a photo of an acquaintance. When shown a picture of someone they loved, the participants had increased activity in parts of the brain that are rich in dopamine.

Oxytocin is often referred to as the “love hormone.” This is largely because it increases when you hug someone or have an orgasm. It’s produced in the hypothalamus and released through your pituitary gland. It’s associated with social bonding as well. This is important for trust and building a relationship. It can also promote a feeling of calmness and contentment.

Vasopressin is similarly produced in your hypothalamus and released by your pituitary gland. It’s also involved in social bonding with a partner.

Men are generally more seduced by their sight, so the phrase “love at first sight” might apply more to men in the initial attraction than to women. Women generally need to feel desired or need a deeper level of connection to be tuned in or turned on to how the man is showing up. Of course, there are also pheromones and the chemical connectors that go off in the brain and body producing the unseen, sensory experience of attraction. According to some scientists, women choose who to have children with based on the man’s scent… Scent can also be a repellent in attraction. Ever wonder or even wish you were physically or romantically attracted to someone or wished you could reciprocate their feelings but your body just won’t respond? That’s because you have innately rejected their scent and well sometimes you gotta let nature take it’s course. There really is so much on this topic that goes overlooked because of the romancing of love. Storybook and fairytales definitely don’t help…

You can surely admit that men and women’s bodies do not function in the same way. We are literally wired differently, but what part of this (if any) does love play in the equation? Are men and woman’s emotional makeup as varied as our physicalities? Stay tuned for part two of Men, Women and Love- What is Love?