McKallenger

Hello?

Ms. Odin?

Yes?

Mary Odin?

Y-yes… sir?

Hmm, you sound older than twenty-four.

Excuse me?

Ahem, hello, my name is McKallenger and I was inquiring as to your sitting service.

Oh… Ok, yes I do babysitting. Um, I usually work by referral. Who told you about me?

Um-m, so how much time do you need beforehand to be able to sit?

Well, if I have the time available, I'm pretty flexible. When did you need me?

Tonight please.

Oh, tonight… Um, well I guess… actually I could be available tonight but… I'm sorry to have to ask and I hope I don't seem rude, but you sound awfully young. How old are you?

I'm thirteen. Is that a problem?

Oh, uh… No, I mean… Um, is this for a sibling? Are you calling for your parents?

Hell no! They're not around. They've already gone out and I doubt they'll be back until sometime way into the time of night that most people don't call night anymore. And no, I'm an only son, only child, no others. I was calling for myself. I need a sitter for the night.

Oh, I see. So you're already alone?

That's what I said, isn't it?

Y-yes…

So then how about seven o'clock? I could meet you in front of my house before we go out. My address is-

Before we go out? Um, I don't really go out when I'm babysitting.

Well this isn't babysitting, it's just sitting.

Actually it's neither. I'm sorry but, tell me, where are you parents? Why do you feel you need a babysi- uh, a sitter?

I'm a developing young man and I need social interaction to assist in my… development. I need to go out and experience things and I would like to hire you to be with me.

So you're really needing an escort.

No, dear, those girls are prostitutes.

…Right. So, who did you say referred you?

I'm a gentle type of guy and I'm quite strong for my age. I can take care of myself. I can assure you that I will not be a jerk or boring. I know I'm young, but I look older than I am and I'm good looking. I'm tall, too, I promise.

Ha, that's great. It sounds like you don't need a sitter.

Oh, no, I don't need a sitter. I am calling for your company for the evening and that is essentially what you do. You're a very attractive young woman and I would like your company and I'm willing to pay your wage.

Hmm… Well that's somewhat insulting. How do you know I'm an attractive young woman?

Well you are aren't you? I know these things. So, is seven o'clock satisfactory to you?

I think I'm going to have to pass on this one.

Pass? No, you can't… I mean, you already said you're not doing anything tonight, right? Are you just going to pass up a job opportunity?

This isn't a job, kid. I don't know who told you about me but they must have been mistaken. Who was it anyway? Was it Mrs. Patterson? This seems like something she would be behind.

I don't know what you mean. I'm simply asking to go out with you tonight. If you'd prefer not to have to drive your old Maxima, you could use one of my parents BMWs. My parents are very wealthy. They won't even know that you-

Wait, how do you know I drive a Maxima? What is this? Are you making fun of me?

No.

Yes! Who is this? That's not funny. You think it's funny to mess with girls when they're down? Who's there with you, kid? Is it Jason? It is, isn't it? Man! I know how to find the jerks. You all seem to just magnetically fly to me. Thanks a lot, I'm now back to feeling depressed and I was finally having a good day. I'm hanging up now.

Wait! No! I don't know Jason. I'm not lying. You can come and see. In fact, come see. I'm at the last house on-

That's not going to work.

Well, hold on a second… Oh, right… Jason. He's an asshole. Oh, he's a member of Tri-Alpha house. I know people there, I'll have him kicked out. In fact, I could tell them something really bad and he won't be able to get into any of the-

Wait a minute… Are you on Facebook?

Huh? Sure, well, everyone is on Facebook.

I mean right now. You are aren't you? Alright Mr. McKallenger, hang on a sec.

Um, listen it's already five now and there's not much time for you to shower and get made up, so, you know, and I'd like to stop by the Carmike Theater for just a minute, right before seven thirty. I have a quick errand to-

Aiden McKallenger, twelve years… oh pardon, twelve and a half years old, NOT very tall, NOT very muscular either… East Stone Private School… I hate private school kids.

Well, it's not exactly a choice I get to make. In fact, you know, I hate them too. I'm nothing like them. Actually, I'm much more muscular in real life, too. I can see how you would resent them, having to go to Mulbury and all.

Don't you dare go there.

Oh, right, yeah. And you know, you actually did good for coming out of there. Getting through state college… that's pretty good.

Alright you little bastard, you really don't get it, do you. And you never will. You're just some rich brat who gets whatever he wants. You'll get your expensive education and rub shoulders with people who will carry you all the way through your dumb ass ivy league college and right into some long title position that pays you more than you're worth. And you'll never see a single student loan note. You'll never be stressed out about paying for life. You'll never know what it's like to be the youngest person you know with a master's degree, with no decent job and not a single prospect for the future, all moapy with bags under your eyes from stress, running off every prospect of a real date.

…Are you… crying? Sorry, but… I… I think I'm in love with you.

Oh shut the hell up.

Hm, yeah, that's a bit of a stretch. But it's not what you think. Private school, I mean. Although this may be hard to believe, I'm not very popular.

How modest.

Actually, everyone hates me. I don't understand. My therapist says that I have Asperger's syndrome but she's a quack and seems to like giving out that diagnosis. My parents think so as well. Anyway, any important people's shoulders that I might be rubbing against have all grown to hate me, I fear, so that whole scenario is out. Listen, I feel we've gotten off on the wrong foot. Perhaps we could start over… Hello, my name is Aiden.

Aiden?

Yes?

No.

Ok, well, there's not much time before seven, I'd really like to know if you would be interested in taking me out. We could go by the theater by seven thirty and then perhaps eat at Gallenheuz Bistro. How do you feel about desert?

I feel like you're a loser.

Please don't call me that.

Loser.

…That's quite a painful word to me. My father called me loser before he left today. Another guy at school, Randy Baxter, likes to give me that title. That is the reason I'd like him to see me with you at the theater at seven thirty before he and Chet Remus go in to see that new Matt Damon movie. Actually, if you can just make it to the movie, I'll pay you your wage for the whole night.

Oh, the irony. You don't want to be thought of as a loser, so you hire a loser to take you out.

You're a hot loser.

Listen, your therapist is absolutely right.

What do you mean?

I sure wish wish I could afford a therapist. Maybe they could figure out what's wrong with me.

I think you're perfect.

I would rather hear that from someone else.

Someone with more value than me? I see.

Don't do that.

Oh… Sorry.

…It's not really like a private school brat to say sorry… This kid, Randy… I assume he's got rich parents who give him whatever he wants, too?

His dad is the CFO of a corporation. A corporation his whole family inherited a long time ago. His dad's a bigger brat than he is. CFO stands for Chief Financial Offic-

I know what it means, Aiden.

Oh, right. Yes, they actually have an airstrip on their property for vacationing. Randy told a bunch of people the other day that he wasn't even going to learn about his families company or the job he will be handed once he's out of school. It won't even matter, he'll always be rich.

And you won't?

Hardly. My father is so stingy with money I can't imagine him sparing anything for me that I don't meticulously force out of him.

…Hm…Alright seven o'clock, we'll take one of those Beamers. No dinner, though, that's just too weird.

Excellent! I must prepare myself. You don't happen to have anything… how do I say… skimpy to wear do you?

Aiden…

Yes?

No.