Marigolds of despair

“David it’s time to come down for school!” David’s mother yelled upstairs for him like she did every school morning. This morning was a little different, but she had no way of knowing that. David shortly came down the stairs with his backpack in his hands and the same expression on his face as always. After reaching the bottom of the stairs he held out a piece of paper and handed it to his mother.

“I drew this for you. Do you like it?” David said as his mother was opening the folded paper to reveal a stunning picture of a marigold flower. It was in simple black and white and had tremendous detail.

“David it’s beautiful! You drew this? You’re so talented I love it! I’m going to put it in my office at work.” His mother said it all with a smile on her face. It was odd for him to draw a picture for her; he was 15 and although he did often draw the days of him bringing a picture just for his mom had long been over. His mother neatly put it in her purse so she could take it to work with her. “Okay, are you ready to head to school?” David nodded his head yes and they headed out the door towards the car.

The whole drive to school was the same as any other day. The only difference was that David had just put his plan into action, his mother had zero idea of what was going on but that was normal. David was a generally quite kid, so people usually didn’t pick up on how he was feeling. This was something that never bothered him, but he also made it so easy for nobody to see what he was really feeling.

The school day went on as normal and upon arriving home David went and started to write in his journal for a little bit:

Today was the same as all the other days. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, even I joined in on the laughter and jokes. I even had a girl give me her number so that was nice. Even still I feel like absolute shit. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but despite how well things are going I don’t want to be here anymore. Life doesn’t really seem worth living; the whole purpose of it doesn’t seem clear to me. I gave my mom the marigold picture, I read that it symbolizes despair, but she didn’t seem to put the two together. I don’t want to keep being the burden I feel I am, so I guess I’m going to do something about it. I’m not sure yet, guess I’ll just go do my homework and draw my next marigold for my best-friend tomorrow.

The next day came and things were going the same as always. Maybe it was the monotonous lifestyle that was making David feel so miserable. Honestly, there is no way for us to know for sure because even he can’t figure it out. He walked up to his friend and handed him the picture of the marigold he drew the night before. This picture he made a little different because he knew his friend was really into sci-fi and horror, so he just drew some marigolds around a scene of two men in a fight on an alien planet.

“Oh shit! That’s actually pretty cool. Why’d you draw this though?” His friend had never received a drawing from him, so it was odd for David to give him one.

“We were talking about how it’d be cool if they made a video game in space that was a fighting game. Made me start thinking of stuff to draw so I drew that.” David wasn’t lying but he wasn’t telling the full truth either. He was hoping his friend would notice the oddness of it and ask more questions; that didn’t happen though.

“Oh yeah that’s right! Thanks man.” His friend just left it at that, and their day went as usual. David didn’t want to annoy anyone by talking about how he felt, he wasn’t even sure it was normal to feel that way. The last thing he wanted was to be the weirdo that was always in his feelings. After getting home from school he went back to writing in his journal:

So, I gave Ryan the picture today, still no questions or anything. I must be the only one to feel like this. I really have no reason to feel this way. My life is seemingly perfect, I don’t have to really worry about anything, and my parents buy me whatever I ask for. It must just be me. That girl that gave me her number has been texting with me a lot though, she seems into me. Does that even matter though? Why would it matter. Eh. I’m gonna go to bed.

The next few days went pretty much the same for David. He wasn’t sure why he felt like living was so pointless, but he couldn’t stop feeling that way either. He had seen what happened when a couple other guys started talking about their feelings and he didn’t want everyone to cast him out like that. He also didn’t see the point in that though, things had become increasingly confusing for David this week. He wanted to figure out what was wrong and had no idea where to start or who he could even talk to about it. He didn’t want them to instantly put him in a mental hospital and he also didn’t want them to just say he was being dramatic.

It was Friday, the last school day before the weekend and David was annoyed with all of it. He left school and told his friends he’d walk instead of catching a ride with them. They all questioned it because he never wanted to have to walk home but David just told them he had errands to run and wanted an excuse for being home late. He wasn’t wrong, he had some errands he had to run, and he didn’t want anyone seeing what he was buying. The only downside was he would have to use his bank card his parents gave him which meant they’d see he where he was spending money.

David finally returned home hours later and as soon as he walked in his mother noticed he had a bundle of flowers, they were marigolds. “Oh, hey honey. Who’s the flowers for?” His mother asked not wanting to pry too hard.

“I just need them for something. No big deal.” He didn’t want to say too much to his mother because he didn’t want people knowing how he was feeling.

“Oh, okay then.” His mother quickly dismissed it assuming it was for a girl at school. He was at the age where she knew he would start dating girls and being more and more interested in them. “Well don’t do anything too crazy while your father and I are away this weekend. Also, whatever food you need just use your card we gave you, okay?” His mother was trying to casually tell him to have girls spending the night.

“Yeah, I won’t mom. Thanks for the money.” This was how David normally reacted to things, so it didn’t phase his mother that he wasn’t asking her to stop overreacting or anything. He walked upstairs to his room with his flowers and his bag of things he bought. After placing the stuff on his desk, he went to write in his journal:

Well, I’ve decided what I need to do. After nobody noticed anything wrong by me showing some signs of being miserable, I came to the conclusion that it’s just me, something is wrong with me. I don’t want to keep living like this though…it sucks honestly. Nothing feels fun anymore and I can’t help but constantly think maybe I’m just not suppose to be here anymore. I got the marigolds and with mom and dad going away this weekend it’s perfect for me to go through with my plan. I’m going to play some games and just sleep for now though.

David spent most the weekend playing his video games and when Sunday came, he sat down and wrote his final letter. It was to his parents. He explained how he had been feeling and that he wasn’t sure why he felt like it, but it seemed to just be an issue with him. He told them him killing himself wasn’t their fault and they did everything right as parents, that nobody was bullying him at school, that he simply couldn’t find a reason to keep living because it all seemed pointless.

After he wrote his letter, he went out back to the garden and grabbed the biggest brick he could find. He went into his bathroom and filled the tub all the way. Taking the marigolds, he threw them all over the floor of his bathroom. He then grabbed the handcuffs he bought and placed the key outside the bathroom door. He handcuffed his left arm to the railing connected to the wall. He placed the brick over his neck as he laid in the tub; the water covering his entire body. He then placed his right hand as close to his ankle as he could and used his legs to help handcuff it there. He knew that it was near impossible to drown yourself due to the body instinct to move and get air. It wasn’t long before he felt that panic fill his entire body. Suddenly he started to thrash around the tub, but he had accomplished his goal of making it impossible for him to get himself up. Slowly he drowned and was put out of his constant feeling of despair.