Make Sense of Your Introverted Friend: 5 Mysterious Behaviors Explained

I outed myself as a bonafide introvert in a recent post on Medium and went on to describe how uncomfortable it is for me to stand in a circle of people I don’t know that well. While the ensuing comments revealed that many fellow introverts found the situation relatable, it made me wonder about how strange an introvert’s behaviors must seem if you’re an extrovert.

It’s especially a head-scratcher if you’re friends with the said introvert. Because when it’s just the two of you, your friend is fun and talkative. They genuinely seem to enjoy being around you.

But go with them to a social event, and they promptly transform into Buzz Killington. Looking withdrawn, bored, and uncomfortable, they invariably make a play for the exit within an hour or two of the festivities.

At best, these behaviors seem perplexing. At worst, they come across as downright rude.

I get it, and that’s why I thought it important to give our strange habits a little context. If you’re an extrovert with an introverted friend, allow me to demystify some of our more common behaviors.

Understanding the Introverted Brain

Before we get into specific scenarios, it helps to understand the significant neurological differences between introverted and extroverted brains.

Possibly the most notable factor is how our brains react to dopamine, a neurotransmitter produced in the brain associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure (among many other things). It’s the feel-good chemical released when we engage in enjoyable activities like eating tasty food, listening to good music, or exercising.

Introverts are more sensitive to dopamine and need less of it than extroverts do. Too many dopamine-creating activities will result in overstimulation, which causes the introvert to retreat from a busy scene before too long.

Instead, the introvert’s neurotransmitter of choice is acetylcholine, a chemical that helps us focus, learn, and relax. These quiet, reflective activities result in a much milder bump in feel-good chemicals, which are more palatable for us introverted types.

So remember that in the following five scenarios, the driving factor behind our actions is the need to limit overstimulation.

1. Bailing on Plans at The Last Minute

Okay, I admit this one is a bit rude, but it’s not intentional. In my younger years, I used to flake out a lot. Even today, if I think I can get away with bailing out at the last minute without letting anyone down, I often will.

It goes like this; when we first get invited to go somewhere, it sounds fun, in theory. And we know that we should be getting out socializing more, so we say yes.

But as the event draws near, we start thinking about all the social interactions involved, and the reluctance begins percolating. The more people expected to be at the upcoming event, the more spooked we get.

Sometimes, we pull through and will make ourselves go anyway. Other times, the prospect of spending that time on a cozy couch with a book or a movie is too tempting to resist, and that’s when you get the bashful, last-minute text that we won’t be able to make it because our cat is sick.

Please don’t hold it against us; we simply didn’t have enough social juice in the tank to make it out this time.

But please, have fun and say hello to everyone for us.

2. Answering Your Texts but Not Your Phone Calls

Ever been texting your introverted friend for 10 minutes and then call them only to get ghosted? Like, they know you know they’re there, and they still don’t answer?

Phone calls feel intrusive to us, especially when it is unexpected. You’re essentially asking us to flip on our “social switch” at a moment’s notice, and it just doesn’t work like that. We need to mentally prepare for phone calls and the inevitable small talk it entails.

Plus, we struggle with conversing on the phone. We like to think things through before we respond to what you’re saying, and that often results in a lot of uncomfortable dead air, which may come across as though we’re not listening or otherwise preoccupied.

If you really need to talk to us on the phone, let us know in advance when you’ll be calling so we can mentally prepare for it. But if you’re calling to shoot the breeze or opine about the latest season of Snowpiercer, then for the love of God, just text.

3. Zoning Out During Group Conversations

Introverts are often pegged as quiet and withdrawn in group conversations. The truth is, when there are a lot of people participating in the same conversion, we are intently listening and observing.

It’s not that we don’t have anything to say, but we also want to hear what you have to say. We’re also not keen on interrupting or competing for our voice to be heard.

But in larger groups, it gets even more complicated for us. There are often multiple people speaking, background noises, and just more activity in general. Sometimes, we’re so distracted by everything going on that we can’t focus on what’s being said or how we should respond.

With practice, we can blend in well enough during group discussions, but it’s only a matter of time before we burn out and fall silent.

4. Declining to Carpool

You might think the reason for this one is that the introvert doesn’t want to be alone in a car with you.

On the contrary, a one-on-one conversation is the introvert’s preferred social scenario. They would probably end up enjoying the car ride with you more than the destination.

The problem is that the introvert desires control over when they can leave said event. Especially if they suspect you’re a “till the last dog hangs” kind of person.

There’s no greater nightmare for introverts than wanting to leave and needing to wait around for two or three more hours because you’re not ready to go yet. We also don’t want you to resent us for cutting your social time short.

It ends up being better for both parties if you just agree to meet there.

5. Leaving Early

That brings us to the next behavior: your introvert’s tendency to leave social events early. Many of us just don’t have the endurance to see parties through to the end.

Even if we have a blast while we’re there, the battery on our social reserves drains away, and by the time a couple of hours pass, we need to make like a Roomba and recharge.

It doesn’t mean we didn’t have a good time!

Leaving social functions early is usually premeditated. We will have our excuse ready and often give it before we even get to the event.

The more self-assured of us will be straight up with you and say we plan on leaving early because if we don’t, our people-o-meter will explode, and you’ll find us huddled in the dark with a blanket over our heads. (Not unlike the sad pug in the title image.)

We will say goodbye if there’s an easy opportunity, but if it’s a bustling event in full swing, we don’t want to compete to get a word in and are more likely to slip away without saying anything.

Final Thoughts

Hopefully, these explanations helped you understand your introverted friend a little better and dispel the misconception that they are an antisocial snob.

They really do like you, honest!

They just need to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of social activity sooner than you do. And once they’ve had a chance to recharge, you can likely expect a text from them inviting you over for wine, movies, and thoughtful conversation.

Originally published in Illumination on Medium.

Author's Note

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