Loving You Was Burying Me

I never loved someone as I did you. I never knew loving someone would be so exhausting to where I’d want my last breath. My heart poured out love and your valves were open and leaky. My love was escaping you and all I wanted was for it to course through your veins. I wanted my love for you to nourish your being and to be what you thirsted for. It was unreciprocated and lonely to be unloved and unwanted.

My love for you allowed me to remain by your side during the hard times, the good times and through the abuse. I allowed so much to carry on because I thought it was normal and it would get better. Each year I kept defending you making excuses for why you treated me the way you did and convinced myself it will get better that it was just a phase. Everything changed for us when our son was born because my love for you was replaced with a new love so pure it knew no wrong. My perception of things changed, and I started to realize what we had wasn’t love. It was always the idea of love that had me woven into this relationship to carry on and fight to make it work. I failed at relationships before and I never wanted to fail at this relationship.

Our son brought me so much joy and happiness that I started to wonder how is it that a mother could smile so much and feel so much love. I realized our love was tainted and I became unsure how to cleanse the toxins that consumed us. My fight for us to work became greater because I wanted our son to have parents in the same home as he. I began to express my thoughts and feelings more with you trying to have as many conversations as possible about whatever problem we had to come to a resolution.

I felt blown off a lot. We really couldn’t communicate with each other. It was hard for you to find the words to convey what you wanted, and I had trouble understanding what you were saying. Things you said would come off in a way upsetting to me and it was always a challenge. Things I said to you didn’t make sense most of the time and it became hard for me to find a way for you to understand. Communication allows a bridge for feelings to cross and when the bridge is broken feelings stop coming. Once the feelings stop visiting then we felt unloved and unwanted. That bridge needed work and repairs, but time left it closed and we sat our hard hats aside. The relationship suffered, and our emotional well-being suffered. The love was there but it faded.

We invested so many years into the relationship, but we never valued that time. The bridge being closed we couldn’t tell each other how we felt and our way of letting each other know how we felt was through verbal, emotional and some physical abuse. I shut down and stopped trying because I couldn’t connect with you anymore and agreeing to everything was easier. Our son witnessed all this, and he could feel the anguish and that broke my heart. I had a difficult year going through so much and feeling alone through it all I reached my lowest losing my faith and thinking that death was a better option. It was my love for our son that kept my heart pumping to push the blood throughout my body and allow my brain to work and talk to someone about that. I was told to hold on because my son needed me, so I started holding on for dear life as this roller coaster started again.

I couldn’t make the relationship better and wanted to cross the bridge again. I longed for things to work and to communicate better but it felt like a lost cause. I became so exhausted in loving you that I just wanted my last breath at different moments throughout the relationship and I knew that it all was enough. I felt like you were a stranger when you made statements of wanting to harm me which created fear. I reached my limit with it all and walked away. I wanted things better for our son and that was the only solution I could come up with.

I never knew what all would come of it all, but I never expected good things to happen because of it. You said I gave you a wake-up call and turned your world upside down and I could see that. You brought our son to visit me and you kept telling me you changed but I have heard that before. Each visit you made me grateful for leaving you. You kept pushing to put us back together when my focus was our son. I spoke with you on the phone today and I actually felt happiness, smiled and laughed. This time I wanted your company and enjoyed the bridge being open. I don’t understand what happened to create this side of you that I have never seen before. You were telling me you no longer want to see me cry, be hurt or sad and that my happiness mattered to you. You said no one would hurt me again.

Darling, I have always loved you and always will. I have always wanted your happiness and I don’t like seeing you hurt, and I knew I wasn’t making you happy that truly killed me. I always felt like something was wrong with me for you not to love me. You have finally accepted my friendship and that thrilled me. We are finally making progress to make things better with ourselves, how we are to each other and most importantly our son. I don’t know what time will bring us or if we will ever be together again, but I look forward to being your best friend to continue walking through life with you and watching our son grow. I look forward to our son’s happiness to no longer see us hurt each other and hurting him in that process. I look forward to a beautiful life with you and for our son to see and feel so much love.

My love for you wouldn’t allow me to hate you or make your life miserable. I had been told to hurt you through this separation and you having our son. I have been told to stop communication with you and at times you made me wish I listened. At times I wanted to hurt you because of all the hurt you caused me. I am forever grateful that my kindness was greater than hate. I am grateful that despite all our difficult moments that I have patience with you. The walls are up, my heart is caged, and the hurt is severe. For my love to be given again or to gain access to my heart it will be the greatest challenge like robbers wanting into Fort Knox.

It has taken a great love to truly break my heart and forever change me. It took a greater love of my son to realize it was never okay and that it was time to end it all for him. I can’t predict the future, but I can only hope for the best and it will be amazing to have a best friend like I have never had before from a man I’ll always love and my son’s father.