Loving Through Leukemia

Jordan wasn’t in bed when I woke up. I heard the bathtub running and went to check if he was there. He had started taking baths because they helped his stomach feel better. For the last few months he had severe stomach pain. We had gone to the ER but they sent him home that same night with some Tylenol. As his stomach pain continued, we urged his doctors for more tests.

That morning, we got the call that would change our lives forever. Jordan's mom answered her phone as we three gathered in her bedroom. I anticipated the doctor saying he had some type of infection or a stomach ulcer. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect the doctor to reveal a cancer diagnosis. The doctor flatly said "thank you for getting that blood work. You have acute myeloid leukemia." My jaw dropped and I covered my mouth to stifle the scream I felt being released from my lungs. Jordan sat on the TV stand starring at the phone. I went over and held onto him, desperately trying to control myself from crumbling. As the doctor kept speaking, I felt tears well up in. my eyes. The doctor said "please come into the ER as soon as possible. You will be staying in the hospital for a month." Jordan's mom hung up the phone and quickly went downstairs to tell the rest of the family.

The next thing I knew I was on the floor, screaming, tears streaming down my face into a puddle on the ground. I had to force myself to exhale after my hyperventilating inhales. Jordan sat on the floor in front of me, held my face in his hands, and starred deeply into my eyes. With tears in his eyes, he promised me he would be fine. He kissed my forehead and begged me to be strong.

The rest is broken images in my memory partially pieced together as time passes.

We drove back to our apartment. I almost passed out while driving but forced myself to focus and get us home. At a stop light, he looks over at me crying uncontrollably and says "baby, I am so sorry to leave you this way." I cried harder and made him promise to beat this and come home to me. I made him promise that he was just leaving for month and not forever.

When we got home, I looked around in panic at our room. What should he bring for a month long stay at the hospital? Instead of rushing to grab things, we laid down in our bed for the last time. I closed my eyes, still filled with tears, and desperately tried to soak in every smell, feeling, memory possible as he wrapped his arms around me. My body seized every time I breathed from sheer despair. He held me tighter and tighter. Finally, he got up, kissed my cheeks, and started grabbing items to bring to the hospital.

His mom drove us to the ER because I was still on the edge of passing out from hyperventilating for nearly an hour. We walked him to the ER, but because of COVID we couldn't go in. Leaving him at the door of the ER was probably one of the worst moments of my life, obviously after the cancer call earlier that morning. He kissed me, his hands around my waist, his eyes deeply immersed in mine. He looked at his mom and said "please take care of her, please protect my Ella." I burst into tears again.

Jordan stayed in the hospital for three weeks. The usual treatment for AML patients is 4-5 weeks depending on their response to chemo. Jordan, from the beginning said that he would be out in 3 weeks, and so he was. I was absolutely terrified to visit him because of COVID. A stressful pandemic on top of a fairly rare cancer diagnosis is not a recipe for happiness. We were told that only one person could visit him one day per week, so his mom, and I traded off weeks except for the few times one of us snuck in to deliver him food from the outside!

On my off weeks, I would go to the park which faced the hospital. I made a giant sign that read “CUCK FANCER” on one side and “I LOVE YOU JORDAN” on the other side. He could see me from his window but we had to Facetime still since he was on the tenth floor! The days felt long and passed slowly. Our love withstood the trial and grew immensely. It's one thing to agree to a distance relationship but it's another thing to be suddenly thrown into one without any notice at all. But we did it. We are stronger than ever and cancer chose the wrong people to mess with.