Loving From Afar

Five years ago, I met the man that held the key to my heart. He wouldn't be the man I would marry, but he would be the man that I would love for the rest of my life. I loved this man whole heartedly; even after he left me for someone else, had me try to get them back together, and even after he went back to prison. I stood by his side even when I didn't agree with it, because that's what you do for the people you love. However, it's when you realize that they will never love you the same is when the game changes.

I held my heart out on a silver platter. I've pleaded and begged this man to pick me, choose me, love me, and have cried many tears for this man to just love me back. I've lost a good amount of sleep wondering why I was never good enough for him, asking myself what was wrong with me, knowing what I brought to the table and it still wasn't good enough. Nothing was good enough because I wasn't her. I had it stuck in my head that if I did what he asked of me, he would love me. If I lost weight and always had makeup on and looked nice, he would pick me. Typing this now makes me realize how blinded I was by him, because when you are madly in love with someone, you put blinders on and only see the good in them. They never do any wrong. Five years later, the blinders are off.

It took one phone call and a conversation with his mom to make me realize this isn't true love. "No man is worth chasing after if a person has to chase and accept verbal or emotional abuse. Stop, turn away and run in the opposite direction. True love doesn't hurt, and it doesn't hurt others." When she said those words to me after the traumatizing phone call I had with him, everything made sense. I changed my number, and knew it was time to start learning how to love from afar. Loving from afar is the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I thought he was my person. Songs still come on the radio and make me think of him, something happens and I want to call him, but I can't.

You can always love someone, but you have to do what's best for yourself. You should NEVER have to beg for someone's love. You should NEVER change who you are for someone just so they will love you. Don't lose yourself in the process of loving someone, because I did, and somedays I'm still trying to find my way back. You need to remember you're worth so much more than that. Easier said than done right? Trust the process.

Ever since I cut him out of my life, my life has been peaceful..something I never ever thought I would ever feel. I have gotten closer to my friends that I avoided because I knew they didn't like him. I have found the beauty in this crazy life that I have, and I have become a better mom. This person has taught me a lot of things; the most important is how I don't want to be loved, because it has allowed me to take my blinders off and really explore this beautiful world that I live in, and meet new people.

No one ever said love was easy, however it shouldn't be a chore. Remove the toxic people from your life, love them from afar and fill your life with positive, loving people. Always remember your worth, take life one day at a time, and trust the process.