Loving an Asexual

In October of 2018, I swiped right on a girl on Tinder. She caught my eye with her sense of style, her cute face, and her bio that described her interest in video games. A few hours later, at work, I received a notification about a new match. It was that exact girl. She sat within a sea of other matches of men, women, and non-binary people, but I smiled at the notification anyway. I gave it a few hours to see if she would message first.

There was nothing. Bored that particular evening, and perhaps a little interested in some extra attention, I decided to make the first move. "Favorite video game franchise of all time?" I asked, due to our mutual interest in video games. The conversation would then continue for a few days until she asked me to "hang out", which we all know is code word for "I am asking you on a date but am too anxious to call it that."

Many, many dates later, I asked this girl to be my girlfriend (by singing a super cheesy song). We had made out a few times, but she had told me that she wasn't ready to sleep with me. That was fine with me, I could respect it; I wasn't a virgin but I was a person who understood taking it slow (she tried to kiss me on the 2nd date, but I wouldn't do it until the 3rd). Even after becoming "official," our sexual history didn't go too much beyond some 2nd base shenanigans. She told me she was demisexual, so I was like, "Ok, guess I just have to wait until we're in love. Not a problem."

Like the girl I am, I fell in love after about 3 months, but didn't tell her until about 5 months in. She didn't feel the same yet, and I knew that; but I couldn't hold it in anymore.

We continued getting to about 2nd base but she would stop me before I got any further, which of course I respected. She was demi, which she said at some point in our dating history; I had to wait for her to fall in love. And in November of 2019, she finally confessed that she loved me too, and I was over the moon. The most important part was that she loved me back--I was finally confident in our relationship. And perhaps, now that she loved me, I would get to express my love for her with sex. To me, it was something fun, something that I could use to bond with my partner.

But as time continued on, we still didn't go any further. I couldn't understand; she was in love with me now, right? Wasn't that what activated the sexual attraction in demisexuals? Was she not attracted to me after all?

I tried heavily hinting to her one day that I wanted to get into bed. But she didn't really respond, and we continued on with our day together. Later that night, once we were apart, she started apologizing profusely via text for turning down my obvious signals. I said it was okay if she still wasn't ready (she was a virgin, I thought she might just be scared or have some trauma). It was then that she texted me "I don't know if I ever will be."

Something clicked in me and I asked, "Do you think you're asexual?"

She responded, "I don't know."

Time continued on. She started to realize she was definitely ace. She was definitely in love with me, but the sexual attraction never came. Cue paranoia in both of us. She started getting scared that I would break up with her for someone that wanted to have more sex, and I started getting scared she'd break up with me for another asexual.

And to be completely honest, it did cross my mind. I knew for sure I wasn't asexual. In fact, as a younger girl on Tinder, I had once said to my best friend, "I don't care what parts people have, as long as they use them. I don't think I could date an asexual." I did enjoy the experience to a degree. But at the same time, sexual encounters had always felt like a performance to me. I felt like I had to moan at the right time, say their name at the right time, make sure I both orgasmed properly and was honest about that (faking it had never gotten me anywhere good). It never felt genuine besides pure physical elation. But I was most certainly sexually attracted to people, so I knew I wasn't ace. My best friend had a different opinion; she described her sexual encounters as "great" and "amazing" while I would've put mine as "ok/fun" at best, regardless of who it was with.

So I did some reading. And I read an article from another allosexual (a person that experiences sexual attraction) that had married an asexual. She said, "I would rather get to love my wife than ever have sex with anyone ever again." And that brought tears to my eyes. It struck a chord within me that I didn't know existed. I repeated that phrase and said, That's how I feel.

I would rather love my girl than have sex ever again. Like I said, sex was always performative to me. It was something that was fun, something that I could use to bond, but not something I needed to live, or needed in my relationship. And we did talk about this. I stopped hinting that I wanted sex, and told her I was taking care of my needs through my various toys. We were also both very monogamous, so polyamory was out of the picture.

Now we're about to hit 3 years together. I'm not going to pretend that dating an asexual is for everyone. If you're a person who thinks you absolutely needs sex for validation and security in your relationship, dating an asexual is probably not for you. I thought I needed it, but I really don't. My toys always pleasure me better than anyone ever could anyway. My girlfriend is still romantically and aesthetically attracted to me, which matters the most. She doesn't want to have sex with me, sure, but she doesn't want to have sex with anyone. That makes all the difference in the world. If it were just me, I would have some pretty severe insecurity. But it's not me. There's nothing wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with her.

If you're an allosexual person considering dating an asexual, I encourage you to consider it. But you have to know if you need sex to enjoy a relationship. If it's more of a "side quest" thing like me, it's probably a perfectly great option if you are romantically attracted to that person. But if it's a main quest thing, it's probably not the best choice for you as a person. And that is OK! Some people do require it. All levels of sexual attraction & need are valid--don't let anyone, regardless of their sexuality, ever make you feel any different.

But the main reason I wrote this article is for the asexuals. I recently came across a TikTok of a hypersexual and asexual engaged couple, and left a comment expressing my love for the allo/ace couple movement and my own ace girlfriend. It got a ton of likes compared to anything I've ever commented, as well as some comments of people from many sides of the sexual spectrum. Allosexuals who also loved their ace partner, and aces who hoped for love & acceptance, responded to my comment.

While we allosexuals tends to be a little more confident & secure in what we want and need in a relationship, as a severe minority, asexuals live in a different space. They fear never finding love with an allosexual, or suffer about the difficulties finding another asexual close to them that they are romantically/aesthetically attracted to.

Let me say this to the asexuals with fear: there will be someone who loves you. Whether they be allo or ace themselves, someone will love you. Being communicative, especially with an allosexual, is the foundation of a relationship. Don't lie about who you are or what you are willing to do with your partner. It can be hard; rejection is scary. There are many allosexuals who do need sex for a relationship to work. That's not their fault; they need it in the same biological way that you don't. It's not an attack against you personally. But there are plenty, like myself, who don't. Polyamory is an option for many, but isn't always for some. Talk about it with your partner. As long as you talk about issues early on, everyone will avoid the most heartbreak they can.

And for my allosexuals: if sex is performative to you, or something more casual that isn't required for love, consider an asexual. Whether they are into polyamory or just content letting you have your alone time with your toys, it's really the same as any other relationship. You care for one another, support one another, and love one each other all the same. The pleasure under your pants just might take place by yourself. And if that sounds pretty satisfactory, then open your heart to the aces of the world. They're pretty fucking great in my experience.