Lovely Lily in a Field of Jealousy

When I was in college, my freshman year, we did a thing. It was supposed to be a social thing about who we were and the likelihood of our study habits. We all stood up at our seats. The professor proceeded to ask a series of questions. If you…go stand over on the right side of the room. If you… stand on the right side of the room, and so on. In the end, there was me and two others left standing in our seats, and everyone else was on the right side of the room. What the heck?! Am I that different?! Or was I being honest? Whatever it was, I was devastated. I felt like Charlie Brown.

In middle school, the bullying started. I have always had a boyfriend since Kindergarten. Boys seemed to crush on me even at an early age. I would come home from school and tell my mom, "I'm going with so-and-so," and she would say back, "Where are you going?" This one particular time, however, my boyfriend was in the grade above mine. We were at a roller-skating party at school, and I was so excited to hang out with him, hold his hand while skating the circles. But that didn't happen. The girls in his grade were vicious. One of them liked him and decided that I couldn't be his girlfriend. I didn't understand why they were so mean to me at first. I was super friendly to everyone. When the skating party ended, so did my relationship; he had broken up with me. He didn't want to but mean girl society wouldn't have it. They picked on me the rest of the school year; then, they moved on to JR. High, to another school. I had one year break from them until I moved to JR. High and it started all over again. They pulled down my pants, poured water over my head, yelled at me, and beat me up, and left me in a ditch. Why, because some boys liked me. All I wanted to do was to be their friend, and so I didn't stick up for myself, hoping they would change their mind and realize how nice I was. But that never happened until one day, I finally snapped. I saw the fear in their eyes and that-was- that they left me alone from that day on.

I have always had a hard time making friends. Moving into adulthood, I still struggle with it. I'm not letting it affect me anymore, much. I know it's not me. I mean, it is, but it isn't anything that I do per se. I'm pretty, I'm intelligent, and I'm talented. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back; it is just the way it is. One thing that happens to me is when I go into a social situation, and there are several seats, I try not to sit until most others do. If I sit first, people will leave the one next to me empty every time. I even tested this at a conference I was at in Miami a couple of years ago. I was there with my team and said, "watch, no one will sit in the seat next to me," and sure enough, the stadium filled up, except for the emptiness by my side.

Throughout my life, other woman's boyfriends and husbands stare at me, show me attention. Many times right in front of them. Sometimes it's incredibly uncomfortable. When I first moved to Florida, my boyfriend and I would hang out with this other couple all the time. The guy would compliment me, stare at me, shower me with attention. It was so obvious and so horrible because I liked them both. We didn't remain friends, and she succumb to her jealousy. A few years ago, I walked into a party with my husband; he was trailing a bit. This friend of ours, a husband, says out loud, "you're my number 2; I just need you to know that you're my number two." I'm like, what the heck! He shouted it in the middle of a party! Before that, it was the same; he would intently stare at me. One day, the group of women, including his wife I used to hang out with, stopped calling me.

In University for a while, I even try to simplify my look. I wanted people to take me seriously and not think I got special treatment because of my appearance. So I wore frumpy-looking outfits and little make-up. I wanted to be known solely for my intelligence. It was silly, really, in hindsight, just plain ridiculous. It still happened. I bartended on the weekends and had to look a certain way for my job; I needed to make good tips. So, of course, my fellow students saw me.

Fast forward to today, and I embrace my looks. I exercise daily, running 4 miles and 30 minutes of meditation. I take many supplements and eat a healthy balanced diet. I'm going to be the best me I can be, and no matter what, no one will stand in my way. If I want to dress up and look amazing for a lunch date, I'm going to do it. No more hiding. Because I'm 52 now, and my looks are starting to fade. It's only a matter of time, and my beauty will slip away. So I embrace what I have left and cheer others to do the same. I call Misfit Island home, but I rename it Paradise. And everyone is welcomed, the seat will be open next to me.

By: Kimberly Paulus