Love, What Are You Afraid Of?

Love scares me, maybe more than it should.

I mean, it's supposed to be this beautiful thing, right? It's supposed to be amazing, and great. Of course it's not meant to be perfect. It's supposed to have it's ups and down. It's supposed to have it's flaws. But in the end of it all, it's supposed to be worth it right?

I want to believe that. I want to believe that love is worth the pain. I want to believe it's worth the risk of getting hurt. I want to believe it's worth hurting for.

But do I believe it?

How can I believe it when years and years have only hurt me? How can I believe it when experience has taught me the opposite? How do I trust that somehow there's relief after the pain? How do I justify the aching in my chest that makes me breathless and say that somehow it'll be worth it? Maybe I'm weak for not being able to handle it. Maybe I am.

There was a time in the beginning of this, when you first found out I loved you. I told you then that I was afraid. I told you I wasn't sure I was open to love yet. You told me though, that you loved me too. You told me you wanted me to be happy, and that you wouldn't push. And you asked me if I wanted to run from it or accept it. You didn't demand an answer then, you just wanted me to think about it myself.

I didn't answer then, but I was afraid. Time's passed since then, and I thought for a while I wasn't afraid anymore. Things got easier, things got comfortable...I thought the fear had passed.

But all of a sudden I'm afraid again. I'm sitting, realizing my feelings and I'm afraid. I see how much I care now, and I'm afraid. I see how much we've grown together and I'm afraid.

I'm still afraid.

What am I afraid of?

I'm afraid to love you...

To really love you...afraid that I don't know how to love you...or afraid that I already love you, and maybe it's just too much...I'm afraid that I've given out my heart, and somehow I'll get it returned to me in pieces...

I'm afraid to be hurt...afraid for that aching in my chest to come back...afraid that one night, I'll be wrapped in my own arms again, tears streaming down my face...afraid to fall asleep with my head hurting from crying...afraid to wake up the next morning in the aftermath of puffy eyes and dry skin on my cheeks...

I'm afraid to say the words "i love you" and not hear them back, or worse, hear them back but know they aren't true...afraid one day I'll wake up, and you'll have realized you didn't love me to begin with...afraid one day you'll admit you were just confused about your feelings...

I'm afraid I'm wrong for you...afraid that one day, it'll be someone else...afraid that's it's supposed to be someone else....afraid I'll have to smile and watch you in someone else's arms...afraid to have to navigate the confusion of being happy you're happy while my heart is aching because it's not with me...

I'm afraid that after that, I won't be able to look at you and not cry...afraid that I won't be able to go to you for comfort because you'll be the reason I'm hurting...afraid to not be able to even get a hug because it'll hurt...afraid to lose you, even in the simple ways...

I'm afraid that after you, I won't love again...afraid I won't be able to trust my heart again...afraid that I'll close up and never truly open again...afraid to never feel the way I feel about you about someone else...

I'm just so afraid that you might be the love of my life, but I'm not yours.