love

love is both a verb and a noun.

something you do, and something that is.

both definitions, though, includes the word "feeling" or "feel." this would imply that love is felt, and it exists in the world as a feeling. and there's a difference between a feeling and a choice. feelings involve a temporary physical symptom, or instinct, that we sometimes can't choose. A choice is the opposite, a decision made by our brain that can make us feel some type of way.

But if love is either one or the other, why do some think it is a choice?

You make a choice off of a feeling, so the feeling ultimately results in a choice. But the feeling is temporary, and it weakens.

Does it then become a choice? Or was it always one?

Think of the first time you fell in love. Why was it that person? What made you say the words "I love you.."

my first kiss was when I was 16. late, yeah, i was pretty ugly before then. I had never felt worthy of love, and no guy had ever seen me in that way before, as far as I knew. he was someone I hadn't met in person with, because of social media we found each other and started snapchating and texting constantly. he became attractive to me, and as time went on i had started to feel something i hadn't really felt before. we talked like we had always known each other, he told me i was beautiful, and that he felt the same way i did. in my 16 year old eyes, he was picture perfect and we did everything cute that a couple would do.

a few weeks in, i introduced him to my best friend at the time. it was an hour tops, at mcdonalds. a good time i thought, and so time went on. i feel deeper for him, as an amateur in love would, we both said those words and i thought we were inseparable. one day, a month into the relationship, he told me he was moving to Wisconsin.

i knew that we probably wouldn't stay together, but the whole thing had me devastated. in my mind, it was rare finding someone that actually loved me and saw me in that way. i spent more time with him, as to 'soak up the time we had left.' around that time, my best friend was complaining that I wasn't spending enough time with her, after my mom made me cancel on our sunday coffee plans due to me being out late the last night. the small fight took a dramatic turn, and she went off on me for being a shitty friend and tried to convince me that none of my other friends were there for me like she was. she tried to turn all the people, including my mom, against me. It got dramatic, as she started to threaten suicide and blame me for it. "I want to die because of you," she told me, and it was hard to handle. she'd been my best friend for the longest time i'd ever had a best friend, since my friends/friend groups were always changing throughout the years.

we were enemys at this point. it was also close to the time that my boyfriend was going to move, and i had started to tell him about the massive feud. before i could say much, it seemed to me he'd already formed opinions about it, but to my surprise, he was taking her side in all of it. it confused the hell out of me, since he wouldn't tell me what he thought i did or what she told him. and to my knowledge, they had only seen eachother the one time at mcdonalds.

when he left, we kept in touch as I still had strong feelings. what I didn't know at the time, was that he was also keeping in touch with my ex best friend. he then told me that he was visiting, and this was the highlight of my 16 year old life. I asked him if we could see eachother the first night he was here. to my surprise, he already had plans. with my ex best friend. it hurt, and i didn't end up seeing him again. he later told me that "we were never in love, or anything close to it" which hurt even more, but it was then when discovered the first thing about love.

love is a choice, and lust is a feeling. the dictionary isn't wrong, but when you love someone, it isn't because of a sparkly feeling in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. you feel the bond and connection with someone because of the choice you make. you choose that person, and you have to keep choosing them. sometimes things don't work out, like, 45% of marriages end in a divorce, and sometimes its for the best. But when you put aside you're own feelings and emotions for someone, making harder and scary choices for the sake of how much you care about them, that is a choice. Letting someone go because you of how much you care about them is a choice. Keeping someone close despite the turbulence and chaos of life, is a choice. and that, i believe, is real love.