Being the girl who's only been in one real relationship, and how that ended up on bad terms, it's been hard for me to get back into the feeling of actually truly "loving" someone.
What do I mean by loving someone?
More of actually opening myself, learning more about what I've went through and how I got to where I am today, seeing the flaws and still accepting me for who I am, to see the overall beauty on the inside and out, and to also know that I'm more than just an object being sexualized, I'm just as much a human as everyone else is.
It's hard to even crush or like a guy, because of the doubts of only liking me for my physical attributes and not for who I am.
Endless of guys throughout my social media, hitting me up wanting nudes or even to the points of jerking off to my photos. Even to the point where guys have sent videos of them jerking off to me.
It makes me feel disgusted about myself, and not make me feel as much as a human being.
I stand my ground and stand up for myself, but even then... does it really do anything? These guys are persistent on another level.
If I don't give them what they want, they'd call me names and sometimes put it out there. It's tragic if anything.
It's the way I've been treated not only online, but also in person.
I can see myself as beautiful, but their eyes of "beautiful" is far more different than mine.
Hell, I can't even really post the confidence I have in myself and my body without getting thirst comments and many guys in my DMs.
It's been going on for five years now, and I know it's going to continue on further, but I still need to continue to find that love somewhere.
Maybe at some point, I'll find that person who loves me for who I am as a person and what I strive to do with my life.
Maybe, I can actually see myself getting into another relationship or possibly within the future of getting married.
Someone actually loving me, for the quirks that I have.
Someone... actually... really loving me.
It's something I could see in the future, but I feel like not as of right now.
There's a guy I'm currently talking too, and he's amazing.
Trust me, he is.
However, I feel myself guarding up my wall, making sure that I'm not getting hurt again like I have in the past.
He might have broke my guard down, and seeing me as a person... Not a sexual object to be satisfied of.
Maybe my whole perspective is changing because of him, but I guess you can say that he's been making me the happiest that I've been in the longest.
Maybe these next couple of months or possibly next year might be the year where I can see myself do a risk.
We'll see whenever that time comes...
But first, I'll continue to love myself even more to the fullest potential.