Love Hate Past Time

by Salina Lehn 6 months ago in breakups

Creation of a better me...

Love Hate Past Time

I loathe you. I cringe at the sound of your name even when it isn’t referring to you. I absolutely hate the things you have put me through. It’s been years since I have seen you and I can still hear your slashing words towards me, killing every ounce in my body. You walked all over me like a child in the middle of a stampede. You have made me lose all hope in love and in being loved. You have made me question every ounce of “love” I thought I felt in my lifetime. Is it really love? Is it really love when someone literally manipulates, lies, and makes your self-worth feel like the size of a pencil dot on a piece of paper? Is it really love when someone makes promises that they have never once kept? Is it really love when you cry yourself to sleep because you feel like absolutely nothing? Empty, lonely, and pathetic.

Thank you.

Sounds insane that anyone would ever even say thank you to you for all the terrible things you have caused in my life, but I am. Thank you for pushing me to the absolute lowest and making me feel like I was worthless because it made me stronger than ever. Thank you for never believing in me because I’m doing all my dreams without you. Thank you for never taking care of the lives you helped create because I’m fulfilling all the love and happiness they need. Thank you for pushing me down when I was weak. I’m only more determined and stronger because of it. Thank you for the threats and the death wishes because I am aware more than ever. But most of all thank you for showing me exactly what I would never want in a partner, and for never settling for less. I now know what blind love is and how it can completely tear you down, but now I never let it do that. I know all the red flags of a pathological liar who is selfish, mean, and rude. You were the building blocks to my voice. To make me never take anyone who takes me for granted and trampled over every self esteem worth that I could have.

So if I see you again, which I hope is never, I’m not going to yell at you, cry to you or even show one ounce of weakness because you feed off that as if it gives you some kind of self satisfaction. I’m going to simply be stone cold to you and say absolutely nothing because you don’t deserve my time, my voice, or my attention.

As much as I cringe at you, you made me the better me that you will never get to know. Thank goodness. I am in a better place because of everything that has happened in my life before all of the good came. I am more appreciative, grateful, loving, caring, patient, understanding, and passionate.

I know what love is finally. I know what I have wanted and I finally got it. So yes, thank you for doing this to me to lead me to something even better than I was hoping for. I couldn't imagine what my life would be if I was still in that place with you. Thankful for everyone who got me through all the hard times and helping me clean up the mess that was made from you coming in and destroying everything that I thought could never go back to what it was.

But it is. And it is even better than what I could ever imagine. Having someone who makes you feel worthy. Having someone who makes little problems seem like nothing. Having someone who deals with all of the trust issues that you have caused in my life. Now that is something that is worth everyone's time.

So, again, thank you.

Salina Lehn
Salina Lehn
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Salina Lehn

I am a single mom of three beautiful kids. Love to write in my free time on things going on or that have happened in my lifetime. Hope you enjoy!

UPDATE: I am now a fiance to an amazing man and we have 6 kids together and 3 wonderful dogs!

See all posts by Salina Lehn