When I think of one woman that has changed my life, it has been my Grandma. This is a lady that would put up with everything from my Grandpa screaming "Woman! Get me a sandwich." to grandkids coming to her house just for some cookies and a talk at the kitchen table.
Trust! That is a loaded word if you have been through the ringer of events with people you thought would never break you down. Hearing that your family talked bad about you at an event is never fun. Or having a spouse cheat on you is not the best thing to wake up to the next day. What happens if you never trust someone again? Will that feeling of untrusting go away? How can you have love if you don't have trust with anyone?
I loathe you. I cringe at the sound of your name even when it isn’t referring to you. I absolutely hate the things you have put me through. It’s been years since I have seen you and I can still hear your slashing words towards me, killing every ounce in my body. You walked all over me like a child in the middle of a stampede. You have made me lose all hope in love and in being loved. You have made me question every ounce of “love” I thought I felt in my lifetime. Is it really love? Is it really love when someone literally manipulates, lies, and makes your self-worth feel like the size of a pencil dot on a piece of paper? Is it really love when someone makes promises that they have never once kept? Is it really love when you cry yourself to sleep because you feel like absolutely nothing? Empty, lonely, and pathetic.
No matter how hard you are on yourself, you can't be stuck on the past. If they ever had a time machine, people would be stuck on it. You know why? Because no matter the outcome everyone wants to always change one thing that happened. I have learned that no matter what nothing will ever be as fantastic as you would want it so just go with the flow.
Falling into a pit of utter failure while eating your last box of rice and beans can feel a bit like you will never get out. Some days it may be struggle to get out of bed because you feel like you are going to get nowhere or that you just can’t do it. Getting sucked into your negative thoughts as if they are a vacuum piling the dirt and dust of your life, all into one spot. Stagnate and stuck like it’s never going to go away.