Love Does Not Leave Bruises

As someone who has experienced, endured, and escaped an abusive relationship, I find myself having to still handle and confront the repercussions and aftermath of it, more than two years after it ended.

Not many people know how an abusive relationship leaves someone broken, exhausted, scared, anxious, unable to trust, guarded, and many other things. However, I want to talk about one thing specifically, many people who have been abused have trouble re-learning... it's the same thing I'm struggling with constantly, and that is learning to accept genuine, authentic, and real love, especially romantic love.

But, you see, I didn't know this was a struggle for me, until I met the man I'm currently dating.

When we met, before we even started dating, I could tell there was something different about him. His manners, how he held himself, his smile and kindness, his selflessness, not to mention he is incredibly handsome. He was respectful and a gentleman, he was vulnerable and open about his past and his fears, and remember, this was all BEFORE we started dating. When we did start dating, it just got better. He was there for me when I needed him, he was patient, and understanding, he was just incredible. He is literally too good to be true, a once-in-a-lifetime kind of man.

But what he doesn't know is how that terrifies me... because I, too, dated a man before him, that I thought treated me good too, and then it all came crumbling down.

I worry and get anxious and overthink everything he does. Why? Because I'm not used to genuine good things happening to me. I'm used to being told I'm a whore, slut, liar, no one would love me but my abusive ex, I'm too dirty, I'm too much, and I should be grateful that I had my abusive ex in the first place. My ex was controlling, manipulative, he isolated me, threatened me, downgraded me, tore apart my relationships with my family and friends.

That's all I knew. That was my definition of love. That was the kind of "love" and "affection" I knew, so to be treated the complete opposite, by this man was abnormal to me, because his version of love was not the version I knew, and I didn't know how to accept it, or if I even could.

I remember him telling me, "even if me and you don't work out, I want you to know how you should be treated, and what it means to truly be loved." That was bizarre to me. Like, he's okay with risking the possibility that we may not work out, as long as I know what it means to be treated properly by a man? Huh.

It's a hard mindset to break.

There are nights I cry endlessly, because I overthink everything about my boyfriend. I'm always on edge, I'm always waiting for "the other shoe to drop". I'm always thinking how he's just going to leave me, because I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough for him. My past is too damaged, my heart is too bruised and broken, I still have trouble trusting him, and opening my heart to him, even though he's given me no reason not to. I still look at every little thing he does or says, trying to find a flaw, because I think if I find one then maybe it'll feel normal again.

And isn't that a shame? That my normal is being abused and hurt.

Here I am, dating this too good to be true, once in a lifetime man, showing him my broken pieces, exposing him to the pain of my damaged past, revealing my fears and anxieties, expecting him to throw in the towel and say "this is too much for me, you are too bruised"... but instead, he stays, he asks to hold me, he caresses my hair, as I scream and cry in his arms from the memories of my past, and he wishes to heal my bruised heart.

I don't know about you, but being with a man like this, I no longer want to be the chains that hold him from pouring his real, authentic love into my starving and deprived heart. He doesn't deserve it, and I don't deserve it.

I remember I read a quote that stated, "if you're in a relationship that seems too good to be true, be glad. Because that means it's healthy."

And after these experiences with my boyfriend, I think I'm finally ready; ready to accept his love for me, to open my heart to him, to not cast him in the same circle as my ex. I'm finally ready to believe that love does not leave bruises... it leaves bliss.