When I was a young girl, I remember sitting on my bedroom floor, on my knees, next to my open window. I was praying to God and I remember thinking if my windows open then my prayer would travel faster to God's ears. I was praying a very serious prayer for such a young girl—I was praying about who my future husband would be.
As someone who has experienced, endured, and escaped an abusive relationship, I find myself having to still handle and confront the repercussions and aftermath of it, more than two years after it ended.
The day she was born is one of my favorite memories.
I really want to answer this question because, like others who may have asked the same thing, I struggled with it myself for years, especially when I started to seriously date and have relationships. I started having desires to get married when I was young, and it became my almost every thought: boys, dating, relationships, marriage, having kids. I actually thought something was wrong with me because of how often I had these thoughts and desires, especially with how young I was. I remember praying to God and going into scripture hoping to find something about me, almost directly, that I could apply to my life to answer the questions I had about who do I look for when it comes to my future husband, how do I know if he’s the right one for me, etc. And I’d end up becoming depressed because I felt God wasn’t helping me because I wasn’t getting the answers I was seeking as well as I was reading the Bible almost like a fortune cookie to help with my specific life when it’s really a narrative about Jesus and how he redeemed humanity. As I’ve grown up and my walk with Jesus has grown, my perspective on that question changed as well as what it really meant.
I blinked. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. When my eyes adjusted, I looked around and noticed I was in a small room where there were neither windows nor a door, but bookshelves on both sides of the room full of office-looking-supplies like tape, staplers, rulers, etc., and above me were lights slightly hanging from the ceiling; they looked like Christmas tree lights. They reminded me of the stars. I don’t know why but they gave me a sense of peace and comfort. In the back left corner was a cardboard box full of instruments with some other instruments hanging on the walls next to it; some had strings, some were longer and bigger than others, and some looked so weird like how could someone play it? In front of me was a dimly lit, brown desk with small racks and shelves full of monotone colored books and knick knacks like dolls or snow globes, but more specifically an hourglass right in the middle of the desk, which was between two wooden stands with a wooden rod in the center to turn the hourglass. It was filled with black sand all the way at the bottom; it kind of shined in the dim lights and made it appear to glitter and shimmer.
There’s a monster under her bed…