Love Disasters

Now nearing sixty, I finally can look back at all the serious romantic relationships I have ever had with an impartiality that never existed before. I think as I grow older I have indeed grown wiser as well. I always thought we never stopped growing as people as long as we continue to strive to make ourselves better for us and others. And I've had a lot of growing to do in this department as I've fumbled around a lot.

I had a two parent family growing up with my dad working in construction and my mom, a stay-at-home mom. Because she was a stay-at-home mom though, don't think her life was easy. There were five of us and my dad whom she looked after from morning to night. Those memes they have on the internet of the women saying they're going to bed, then moving on to more chores before actually hitting the bed were true in my mom's case.

My mom and dad's relationship wasn't all good, nor was it all bad. My dad at times drank a lot, but he always went to work. He was a jolly fellow too when he drank, much jollier than when he wasn't. He was a good man with good intentions, and he always wanted us to be the best we could be. The one thing I always did remember though was I always felt safe with my dad.

As a woman I mention this because our dad is the first man in our lives, and so I guess as children it is safe to say that our dad's our model of a man or at least for me he was. My dad also died when I was fourteen years old, so he wasn't there to offer me any guidance while I was in my teens or be the strong presence in my life that would keep me on a more even keel so to speak.

Carlos

My first serious relationship I had was with a man I had met in my early twenties whom I thought was really interested in me. He had come from a latin country and exuded charm when I met him. I will call him Carlos even though it is not his real name. (I've changed the names of the surviving to respect their privacy, but have used the real names of the deceased.) I met him at a downtown nightclub where it was all lights, music and dancing. It was all very exciting I thought. I continued to see Carlos as time went on and went out with him to various places and met his family and friends and vice versa.

One day Carlos was with me while we talked with my mom and in front of my family (mom and my brothers and sister); he asked my mom if he could marry me. That was it. I was completely swept away by that. I never, ever thought anything like that would happen. Normally I always have held back a little and never let myself get too carried away, but after that I thought how could anyone ask something like this to a parent and not mean it. I don't know maybe he did at the moment or maybe he didn't as I look back on it now.

Well after this he asked if I would move in with him, and I said yes because I thought well we're getting married anyhow. My mom on the other hand said to wait until we were married. I just told my mom everything would be ok. (Famous last words!)

I moved in with Carlos in his small bachelor apartment also near downtown, and I felt perfectly happy. Everything did seem to go well for awhile and in my mind I was thinking about our wedding, having children and having a happy home life.

I can't remember how long this lasted but it was less than a year. In that less than a year I also got pregnant although I wasn't too concerned with that because we were getting married anyhow, so it was all good as far as I was concerned. Things started getting edgy at home. Carlos started coming home drunk and fighting with me. He'd break things and yell at me. I wasn't sure what happened between us, but this was only the beginning. Soon he started not even coming home, and I was just left alone in the apartment. I felt helpless and unwanted. I felt more helpless because I was pregnant and now also had to fend for a baby when that baby was born. I wasn't sure of my future anymore and realized finally I had made a huge mistake. Carlos kicked me out eventually, and I left quietly.

I went back home to my mom big and pregnant with nowhere to go. I remember crying every night to sleep wishing I had listened to my mom when she said wait till we are married. Actually in this case I should have waited a couple of years till I got to see a bit more of his character. I was surprised though too because I hadn't had much experience with men like this or any men for that matter. Naively, I thought all men were like my dad. I never felt so stupid and embarrassed in all my life as at this time. It took me years to get over that feeling.

Eventually I had my baby and loved her at first sight. Carlos made an appearance under the guise of trying to work things out. He actually seemed to be trying to be a good partner and dad about the first six months after our child's birth, and we seemed to be slipping back into a happy time. That didn't last.

He wasn't violent with me while I was pregnant, but became so after I had our baby. The problem there for him was I grew up with three brothers, and I had my fair share of fighting with the boys. I fought him back which I believe is the only reason I never ended up with black eyes or anything worse. It was definitely not the great home life I had envisioned for all of us. I never in my life remembered my dad treating my mom like that. It was a great disappointment but also a great lesson in life for me.

He eventually walked out on us when our baby turned one year's old. Apparently he was trying to bring his girlfriend from Mexico to Canada and if successful, he'd have to marry her within six months time. He had a child with her in Mexico; something that was not mentioned to me except when I was trying to find him after he walked out on us. I am not sure where I fit into all this, but as time went by I just believed finally I was just to fill in the time. I remember him coming to my home after he had married her crying at my door. I never opened the door or talked to him. I didn't want him around me anymore, but that action I believe was that he really didn't know what he wanted in life. I had been thinking for a long time how could I have gotten into that mess, but I guess it takes two to tango as they say.

I think Carlos was my biggest mistake, but he definitely wasn't my last. With him I grew up a lot as far as men were concerned. I learned to try to get more acquainted with the character than get swept away by circumstance, and I guess not to be so trusting. Trust needs to be earned.

Eduardo

My next serious relationship was also with a latino. I met him at a dance, and I really liked him. He was intelligent and kind. I saw him regularly, and I remember the sparkle in his eyes and that he did nice little things for me and my daughter who was now a toddler. He'd take us out sometimes for ice cream or to parks for walks or barbeques. I liked talking with him also. We talked about all sorts of things like politics, movies, or anything that came up.

Eduardo was different than Carlos; that is for sure. We continued to see each other for years. I never really saw any temper in him or anything that looked like a red flag either. That's an important point to remember; it doesn't always have to be a red flag.

We finally moved in together after about four years of seeing each other. I let myself get excited about that because I felt he was more family oriented and seemed much more stable than Carlos. I let myself dream again and think maybe I had a chance at getting married and having that family I wanted.

Fast forward to year seven, and we're still living together; he's made it clear he will never marry me, and he didn't want any children. He told me this because I kept bothering him because I did want more children and time was a ticking. When he told me he didn't want to marry me or have any kids, it was blunt and felt like a hard kick to my stomach. I don't know why but after that I never wanted to be around him anymore and just would go out biking or to visit my mom - anywhere he wasn't. Eventually he moved out because we were fighting quite a lot as well. I guess it was probably my fault here because I didn't think we had the same ideas on where we were going and deep down I guess I felt rejected again.

What I learned from Ed was that I should have clearly asked what he wanted out of a relationship and life in the early years and not waited so long. It would have saved us both heartache in the end. He wasn't a bad person; we both just weren't aware of the other's aspirations for the relationship. Communication!

Fraser

My daughter was now a young teenager and we lived together in an apartment in an inner city neighbourhood. My friend Janice moved into the same building as us and I was glad to have an old friend so close by to visit. She invited me one night to her home as she was making a supper of cannelloni, salad and garlic bread. I agreed as I was feeling a bit down; I felt a bit down a lot at that time I remember.

At the supper Janice had her two sons (young boys at the time), another couple and two other people I didn't know, so it wasn't a huge supper which suited me. This is where I met Fraser. He was from Nova Scotia and was also intelligent, funny and seemed to enjoy my company as he'd seek me out.

I'll talk about Fraser less than the others as this was actually a great relationship. We spent a lot of time together, and he did eventually ask if I wanted to get married. We didn't get to see the outcome of this relationship though whichever way it would go as he passed away suddenly. We did have our fights as well but as far as I remember only two serious ones in our time together which was maybe six or seven years together. I mention him here just so no one gives up hope. Hope is important in life.

Juan

Finally when I was around 50 ish I met a man from Guatemala who I'll call Juan. I had met this man online because I was feeling very good in life at the time and thought maybe I could try online out and see how it was. We chatted online for quite some time before we decided to meet for a coffee. He made a first good impression as he brought me a box of chocolates on our first meeting.

Juan kept asking me out for months and I'd go. As we went out more it seemed we had more and more in common. We both liked photography, movies, drives in the country and going to events around the city. I actually didn't know how it would be if I met someone online because that was a new thing for me. It looked promising, but we only lasted about two and half bumpy years. Within the first six months of dating he had shown that he was jealous even of the deceased.

Juan and I were watching a movie one night and one of the actors looked like Fraser which I said, and he got up and left. He did many things like this during our time together and actually left one evening because he had a jealous fit about something I said. I am not used to muzzling myself; and I didn't talk about Fraser a lot, I just mentioned him due to the resemblance. I didn't think it was fair that his name was taboo either though.

Eventually in one fight he told me he followed me to my clients. Another time he was asking who all my facebook contacts were, and the final straw was he ruined my niece's wedding for me. He was saying things to me, but then acting like everything was fine to everyone else. He was angry I went to post the wedding pictures on facebook. He never said anything when I told him I was going to post, but just started fighting with me when I was doing it. Anyhow he never mentioned it to me, or I would have postponed till we got home. There's that important communication again. I knew after that that we wouldn't be able to make it as a couple because I started to feel he was always watching me to start a fight with me. I actually don't know if he ever really wanted to have a relationship as it seems to be the opposite of his actions, but I guess I'll never know. In the end we had a huge fight which I just blew up too because I didn't want him to come back.

The pattern with him I noticed was to have a jealous outburst with me then come back a few days later to patch things up. He was a very jealous man and I couldn't live with that. It's hard on a person and it ruined everything in the end.

What I learned from him is trust and communication are important and that if someone shows jealousy or you seem to be always walking on eggshells, be careful! This will probably not lead to a happy and loving home life.

Now I am not dating anyone nor am I looking. I live with my daughter and grandchildren, and so I do have the family I wanted. Maybe it wasn't in the way I thought, but I still have that and for that I am very grateful. Sometimes if you look past what you envision, you still may see what you wanted to begin with. I hope someone finds something in here useful as I lived it and if I can use that to help even one person, I'd be happy with that.