Love Cannot Fix a Broken Person

Love can offer and accomplish a great many things in life, but it doesn’t fix broken people. Another person will never have the ability to heal the wounds inside of us. How many people do you know that believe they just need to find that perfect person, or find someone to love them, and then all of their old wounds will miraculously heal? How many people believe that they need to have someone else in their life to accomplish anything and to motivate and drive them? I can think of more than one of my closest friends who, no matter what I say, won’t do this for themselves. One of them actually believes that he must have a woman by his side to give him that motivation. He told me at one point, “I just don’t care about myself, but when I have someone it makes me want to be better for them.” My jaw hit the floor as I stood there looking at him with wild-eyed amazement. The fact is that this is an all too common way of thinking for many people. This specific example is obviously a case of low self-worth and image. My friend doesn’t value, respect, or really care about himself at all. He essentially believes that someone spectacular is going to come around and make everything that’s not alright, okay again. And he’s wrong, plain and simple.

Love is one of the most powerful forces in this amazing world that we live in. It can offer and produce a great many things, but it cannot do for you anything that you’re not willing to do for yourself! Often, there are times when a person will meet a new special someone and the love they share can mask those wounds and emotions for a period of time. But your brokenness will always reveal itself, it will always rise to the surface, and if it wasn’t dealt with, initially may even manifest in unhealthy ways. That’s because the love of another person will never heal you. That takes work, it takes a love for self, it takes discipline. YOU have to make the decision to grow and heal for yourself, nobody else is responsible for your personal healing.

The idea of an emptiness inside is an inner urging and longing to find ways to fulfill yourself. How many of you could give me a short list of your passions? What drives you, what brings you the greatest joy in life? The feeling of emptiness is your inner self telling you to discover yourself, learn to fulfill yourself before anything else. And when you learn to do this another person is only an addition to the amazing beauty that is you. If it doesn’t work out or they leave or cheat you won’t be left with that feeling of emptiness because you understand that you are already a whole by yourself; there is nothing they can take away from you. Nobody else on this planet is responsible for fulfilling your needs. It’s not up to someone else to fulfill you, it’s up to you to discover and do! Some of the time you can do this on your own by reflecting inside and learning what drives you, what your innermost yearnings are. Other times, most of the time, you need help. The most successful people in the world all have a coach on their payroll. Someone to help them discover and define their goals and the steps towards those goals.

How many people do you know who are afraid to be alone, petrified of being single and alone, or may even lack the ability to just sit silently with themselves for a period of time? Healing in itself is a personal journey that takes a definitive decision to open up to yourself and slowly work through the pain of the past. This is how we learn and grow; this is how we heal. Learning to be alone with yourself is probably the biggest necessity in terms of self-healing. If you can’t be alone with yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? Often, I hear people talk about their wounds as if there is some hole that’s left inside of them that needs to be filled. Or a feeling of emptiness left from the loss of someone. The thing is, that to sustain any healthy relationship people need to learn to be whole by themselves first. Anything anyone else has to offer in terms of healing or filling a void is temporary at best. Whatever ails you, whatever pains and wounds you may have will always reveal themselves in time. Trying to fill an inner emptiness is like trying to plug a leak in the side of a swimming pool. You can patch it, but the pressure from the water will eventually blow that patch out. We as people are the same way. If you’re using the swimming pool analogy, think of the pool as you or your person, and the water inside as your emotions; no matter how you try to fill the damage in, the side—the emotions—will always build pressure and come blowing through that patch job. Thinking another person can heal or fulfill you in ways that you don’t want to fill yourself is like putting a piece of duct tape over the hole in the side of the pool. That hole, that void, that feeling, is a lack inside of yourself, not to be filled with another person, but to be filled with yourself; That is to be filled with your purpose your passion, learning what gives you the most joy, what you love, and doing it!

Don’t be afraid of the idea of coaching, it’s not weak or undisciplined, it’s someone with more experience and the ability to point out traits and behaviors that you may not realize, to hold you accountable, to call you on your shit in a healthy, supportive way. Coaches don’t analyze, they don’t counsel, (unless you want a coach to specifically counsel you in some aspect of your life). They ask the right questions that you don’t know to ask yourself. They make you come up with the answers, you must take the steps and do the work. The coach only helps you see what’s important and then finds ways and resources to help get you there. Don’t be afraid to hire a coach to help push and support you through any struggle, that’s exactly what they’re there for!

Just remember that I’m not saying love doesn’t aid in the healing process or help us see our true worth; it can certainly offer a variety of things and amazing support in times of change and healing. But one person will not heal you, the right person is not going to make you whole again; you need to learn to be whole for yourself! And then things will play out in the most amazing way that you could ever imagine!!