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"Lose You To Love Me"

Releasing Toxicity

By SophPublished 4 years ago 3 min read
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The pop princess dropped this emotional ballad on us back in October and I was immediately enthralled. Each line hit my very core as I related with everything this song was saying. I had just recently called it quits for the umpteenth time that year with the father of my two youngest and it was the break up lament with a pick yourself up and rebuild anthem that I sorely needed. The first time I heard it, I sobbed uncontrollably then rewound it and let the words sink in. For the first time in nearly 5 years, I was forced to really look at the relationship from the outside. The damage it was doing to my already fragile mental health and the acceptance that nothing ever changes no matter what haphazard discussion or agreement I tried to enforce before inevitably giving in to his every demand at the time.

I came to the realisation that by allowing this man to treat me the way he does, silencing my voice and going along with his every whim to keep him happy; I was neglecting myself, playing second fiddle to his own narcissism. I got so caught up in him, what HE needed or wanted, how HE was feeling, how HE would react; that I lost who I was and all sense of being. I convinced myself i couldn't do it without him, that i needed him, that it wasn't that bad and i was doing it for the kids. The ugly truth was I was just feeding his narcissism, putting him first and he adored it.

My mind took me back to when we first met. I had just been released from St Charles. I was fragile. I put my entire self into him. Became someone I didn't recognise. He was God-like and I his worshipper. I thought he was my saviour. Then my meds kicked in and my mind was my own again. I started questioning things, rather than jumping head first with blind faith. I challenged him and this just made him angry. He even tried to get me to stop taking my meds in the hope I would return to my more appealing subservient self. It was too late the foundation of his pedestal had start to crack and i could finally see all the ugly underneath. Yet, i still tried to make excuses. Accept his blaming of others as the reason he was the way he was.

I come back to the song. "I saw the signs and I ignored it". The signs. There were so many signs. Everyone could see them. Everyone but me. "You got off on the hurting, when it wasn't yours". He revelled in my pain. The constant jabs till I break at which point he would laugh and jeer at me. This dance was most definitely killing me softly. I couldn't keep taking him back. Nothing will ever change. He will never change.

I reach to the end of the song and it hits me like a ton of bricks. I have to let him go, lose him to learn to love me. But you can't, you can't do it on your own. When we are together he does everything for us and the kids seem happier. So long as I did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I thought about what it would mean to learn to love myself again after all these years of focusing my energy on him. The only way to do this would be to close the chapter on our relationship for good. Proverbially hate him to love me. And so far I'm doing a lot better.

breakups
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About the Creator

Soph

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