So I find myself single again after three and a half years of putting up unnecessary bullshit from a man who didn’t know how to love me. During that time I made a million and one changes, as we as women normally do, to appeal to his sense of what I was supposed to be and look like to no avail. In the process, of course, I lost who I essentially am.
Now at my age, 40+, finding yourself back in the dating pool can be extremely scary. So much has changed. The attitudes of both men and women, seems like dating to settle down with the one is a thing of the past. So many games, and who has time to keep score? Now women are expected to chase men?! So now I have a choice, I can try dating again in this crazy time or choose to be alone.
Here’s what’s important about this decision... knowing the difference between Alone and Lonely. At times the two will seem inseparable and codependent, and it may be true. However, I am choosing to be Alone. I’ve spent so many years playing roles to other people, sister, daughter, wife-ex wife, girlfriend, and my most important role mother. I realized with this last and final break up with my ex is that I’ve overlooked my vital role. Being the leading lady in my own story.
Now I can’t take all the credit for this leap of faith. I have a really good friend, more like a little sister, and she was the one who really inspired this Alone vs Lonely theme. She had broken up with her fiancé (as sad as it was, it was needed since the whole relationship became very toxic) and found herself falling into depression and unhappy with life so to speak. She decided enough was enough and took a trip to visit her brothers and father in St. Marteen, a beautiful island btw. By the time she came back home, she had a plan. Instead of wallowing in misery she was going to take a leap of faith. She saved her money and in two months from the time she got back home, she was moving! And she did! By December clothes and furniture were packed up and out in storage and she was on a flight to start her island life with the live and support of her new found relationships with herself and her family (mostly her brother). She has often told me she does still get lonely which is normal of course but has no regrets. I can see the difference in her pictures she’s posted her smile is brighter, her skin is glowing and she is finding herself again.
Thus leading me to develop myself during my own breakup and Alone time. During this time I’ve chosen to reintroduce myself to myself and maybe reinvent myself. I’ve started reading again, enjoying little things like hot tea and fresh flowers in my room again. I’ve picked up a choose your own adventure journal to help me get started (if you don’t have one look for one! They’re great for getting started and fun). I’ve started really listening to motivational speakers on life and self-improvement like Jay Shetty and Trent Shelton. I’m back in the gym regularly. Keeping myself busy and aware of this time I’m in. I might even change my hair, and ladies we all know that’s a huge step! Oh, and of course I’m here, sharing my story hoping it’ll resonate and help someone else going through “it.” You’re not alone.
So in keeping myself busy and emerged in rediscovery I’ve come to accept what has happened and opened myself to what will be but not feeling lonely at all. I’m content where I’m at right now and although yes loneliness will peak it’s ugly sad head around from time to time and not “having someone” might feel oh so tragic... I have me. I have a better me, that knows those moments aren’t forever, and my peace of mind and heart are far more important. Being Alone isn’t a curse. You have to remember, how can you expect to be loved by others if you aren’t loving yourself?
That’s what Rebuilding a stronger foundation for ourselves is about. We have to get to a place where we can enjoy our own company without feeling like we’ve failed because we don’t have a partner. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. Being Alone doesn’t mean I’m Lonely, and it doesn’t have to mean that for anyone. So if you find yourself alone take advantage of that. Reconnect with friends, write letters, travel, and send postcards. Look in the mirror and remember how beautiful you really are inside and out. Do all the things you’ve put to the side, but most importantly learn to love again by starting with yourself. After all, you have you forever! Remember you’re magic! You always were and you’ll always be.
So don’t be lonely, rather learn to enjoy your alone time by finding your light. Loneliness is only a temporary side effect. It won’t last forever and you will survive coming out more confident and stronger than ever. 🤗✌🏼