Logic & Love
Letting myself feel real love for the first time
Throughout our lives, we experience love is different ways. Love for you family, for your friends, and for hobbies and jobs. First crush, first love, first real relationship. There's so many different kinds of love, I don't really think it fair to put one above the others. I don't love my family more than my best friend, my chosen sister, and my rock. I don't love her more than my current boyfriend. All three of those relationships are different and unique in their own way.
I don't believe in true love. I don't believe in love at first sight. I don't believe in fairy tale endings for real life.
In Greek Mythology, humans are initially created with four arms, four legs, four eyes, and two heads. However these creatures are deemed to be too powerful so they split them and sent them to opposite ends of the earth, this is how they define soul mates. It's a beautiful story, but it still didn't make me believe in soul mates.
I'm a practical person, I was with someone for almost six years and I was planning on spending the rest of my life with them. I loved him, but that love had boundaries. It wasn't a great love story between us, but I thought it was going to be enough for me to live the rest of my life. Then, I realized that I was happier alone than I was ever going to be with him. So, we broke up.
And then I met this guy. Totally not my usual type, but he made me laugh and I felt comfortable being myself around him. A month after my break up he asked me to go out with him and a few friends. We had an amazing time, I hadn't smiled or laughed so much in what felt like years. I couldn't sleep when I got home that night. I kept grinning to myself and I couldn't stop.
I don't think I will ever forget the first time he kissed me.
It was maybe a month later, we were taking things really slow, and we were talking and joking around and suddenly he wrapped his arms around my waist and stared into my eyes.
"Can I kiss you?"
I nodded and his lips were on mine before I knew it.
No one had ever kissed me like that before. It felt like the air was charged with electricity, my skin tingled, I felt dizzy, and yet I felt comfort. The wave of comfort and peace that went through me was completely new to me, I had never felt that before. Every time his lips separated from mine, he reconnected them immediately and it was like getting shocked. His hands were holding onto my waist keeping me still, but not restraining me; just like he needed to touch me, to hold me. There was nothing possessive or dominant about the kiss, it just felt right. Like breathing.
I pulled away pretty suddenly, he looked confused but let me go without any resistance.
I have no idea how long it was, it might have been one minute or ten.
In that moment, when I stepped back a few feet and caught my breath again; I was terrified. I had never felt anything like that before.
Every time my Ex kissed me, it always felt like he was trying to prove something. It felt nice, and sometimes very passionate, but never like that.
I told him I had to go and I left pretty quickly. He called me later and told me he was sorry if he scared me, and that if I wanted to end this it was okay, that the kiss could last him forever and a day.
First of all, who fucking talks like that? If I had done that with any of my other Ex's, they'd be pissed. Here was this guy, who thought we were moving too fast and told me to take my time. I hadn't told him what I felt during the kiss, I listened to everything he wanted to say before I talked. He told me how he felt like the kiss was the best he ever had, that it felt right, and that he never had a kiss like it before.
Could he have been playing me? Maybe.
I often keep up an emotional barricade, I try not to let feelings dictate my actions. In my previous relationships, I was often told that I was cold and calculating, that I treated the relationship like a contract. One guy called my emotional personality 'Anna Wintour'. Those comments didn't offend me, I saw my friends and family get hurt by letting their feelings take over instead of their logic, so I often didn't let my feelings get in the way. I didn't let people in and I treated a lot of decisions in those relationships like business actions, I'm not ashamed of it.
But with this new guy, I found myself letting him in. It was like talking to an old friend, I told him my dreams and ambitions that I had never told anyone except my best friend before.
I've spent so much of my adult life not letting someone completely into my heart, of managing my relationships without much emotions because I thought it'd be smarter that way. I saw so many friends and family pour everything into a relationship and then repeatedly get their heartbroken, shattered. It didn't matter how sweet or kind their partners were, they always left. I didn't want to spend my life getting my heart broken over and over again, so I closed it off.
Growing up, all I wanted was to have a fairy tale romance. I wanted to e swept off my feet and worshiped and adored. I realized early in my life that things don't work out that way.
Maybe, I know this is going to sound so cliche, letting someone in will hurt me more but can you really live a full life without getting your heart broken?
All I know is that I'm willing to try. After that kiss, that world-shattering kiss, I want to go all in for him. I want to be vulnerable and messy and wrong and right and real with him, I want everything. I might get hurt in the end, this relationship may not go the way that I'm hoping it will, but I know that I won't regret letting someone in who makes me feel things that I didn't even know existed in my soul.
I might regret it. It might be a great decision. Either way it's a risk, and I want to take it.
"Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold." - Zelda Fitzgerald